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“Are you going to kill me, Raze?” I whisper, my eyelids feeling weighted from all the alcohol and dancing.
I watch him for a few seconds, waiting for him to answer me and watching his expressions as he stares blankly down at the floor. He lifts his head, his face turning over his shoulder slightly to look at me. “No. I don’t think I am.”
I smile gently, a yawn slipping out. “Aren’t you going to ask me the same question?” My mumbled response is the last thing I remember before letting my fatigue consume me.
***
The pounding of my head thuds so loudly, it pulls me from a deep sleep. I hear my door swing open and the smell of the dark pits of hell hitting me instantly. Coffee! “Morning, puddin’. How’s your head?”
I groan deeply, my hand flying out to reach for the pillow beside me. Snatching it, I throw it over my face. “What is that sound…?” My throat contracts while the mattress sinks beside me.
“That would be the sound of your alcohol consumption last night.” Miles pats my leg through the blanket.
I peek out from underneath. “Is that mine?” He laughs, handing me the cup and I sit up, scooting backwards until my back hits the headboard. Raking my fingers through my hair to brush it out of my face, I take the first sip of the black goodness. Sighing, I let the hot liquid cloak my insides with its magical powers. “Thank you.”
He smiles, climbing onto my bed until he’s leaning against the headboard beside me, his legs stretched out with mine.
“Miles?” I whisper, my eyes remaining on the ticking clock hanging from above the television.
He turns to look at me. “Yeah?”
“Everything is numb.”
He turns to face me more and I turn my head towards him. “You wanna talk about it? I sort of understand crazy,” he jokes, but I can see a look flash across his eyes.
Exhaling, I sit the coffee on my legs. “The weird thing is, I can’t even pinpoint an exact reason as to why I’m feeling the way I am. Everything inside of me, all the emotions I had, the love I had, the way I’d get upset if my sister would cuss around me, it’s gone. Now, I just… don’t… care.” I lean my head back and look up to the ceiling. “They messed with me for days, Miles. And that may be some tame shit compared to what you’re used to, but to me, it was chaotic. All I had in that dark cell were my own thoughts and their harsh actions.”
“Did they rape you?” Miles asks, his question genuine and a notch above a whisper.
A sadistic chuckle comes out of me. “That’s just it, Miles. It wasn’t rape because not once, while they were preforming their acts, did I tell them to stop. It hurt. I caved into a shell that sits in the corner of my head, but I liked it, Miles. I more than liked it, and that’s far worse than me being raped.”
I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and turn my head towards him. His hair is tied in a bun at the back of his head today and he’s wearing a crisp suit with no tie. His skin glistens when the morning sun peers into the room through the cracked open curtains and my eyes drop down to his lips, his lips that are suddenly looking very lickable.
A growl comes out of him. “Millie, don’t look at me like that.”
I pull my greedy eyes off him and smirk. “Sorry, can’t help it.”
He gives me a knowing smile. I know he’s attracted to me in a way. I’ve never thought I was ugly, but more recently I’ve found myself more appealing… more of everything.
“But, how’s that worse than if they actually raped you?” he continues.
“Because,” I swallow, drawing my legs up. “Because they showed me what it’s like, what it feels like to have someone make you feel good and dirty all at the same time. They tapped into a dark side of me that I didn’t know was there, and now, there’s no way that darkness can be drawn out. I don’t even think I want it to leave.”
Miles chuckles, his long lean fingers tapping on his leg. “And how do you feel about that? About the new you?”
I breath out a slow, steady breath of air. “I don’t. I just know I like it. But I also know that they have to pay in some way.” I bite down on my lip when I realize I had a case of verbal diarrhea. His hand grips my wrist tightly and I whip my eyes to his. “Let go of me, Miles.”
“You cannot go after any of them, do you understand me?” He searches my eyes closely, his jaw flexing and his eyes hard.
“Why not? I have nothing to live for. I have no home. I don’t want to see my sister. I don’t want her to see me like this. I’d rather her last memory of me be how I was, not how I am now.” I rip my hand out of his grip and stand from the bed, still in the clothes I was wearing last night.
He gets off the bed and comes toward me. “Puddin’, what the fuck are you thinking?”
I need to ask him what the fuck the whole calling me puddin’ is about, but I’m bringing it down to Miles being Miles and making up a funny name.
“I’m thinking, Miles, that battles aren’t won by surrendering. They’re won when the blood of your enemy is dripping from your damaged hands.” I let out a shaky breath. “Miles, they still stole something from me. I may still be a virgin, but they stole my choice to decide when I wanted to feel how good it was to have someone caress me. You think I wanted the first time for a man to have his hands on my body to be while I was handcuffed and shackled to a cold, dirty concrete cell floor? No, Miles.”
“Don’t.” Miles puts his hands up. I smirk, my eyes running over his body. “Just don’t say anything else. Jesus fucking Christ.” I tilt my head, gripping the bottom of my shirt and lifting it off over my head before dropping it down to the floor.
