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“Yeah, and now I know why.”
“Yeah, I do too,” he said, as if that hug was all he needed to know everything that had happened between them, the bond they had formed, and the deep friendship forged from what they had been through together. It wasn't one I should ever feel jealous about but if anything, eternally grateful. Which was why I got my head out of my ass and told him,
“I owe you, man.”
“Yeah, well not trying to fucking choke me up against the wall will be thanks enough.” I shook my head at that and repeated the obvious,
“I lost my shit.”
“Well, the next time you lose your shit, remember who I'm actually in love with, will you?” he said, and my mind's eye instantly went to Smidge, knowing that was a forbidden love unlike any other. Because it all made sense now. As a simple Seeker, he would have been free to give that piece of himself to another. But as an Oracle, he was condemning his life to one of death should he fall in love and share his soul with the Demon. A fact I knew he’d had no choice but to keep from Smidge, unable to tell anyone the truth until now. And of course, her hostility toward him had grown over the years of hurt, one built on the falsehood of him not caring about her. Of her not being good enough for him. Of him breaking her heart, having no other choice as Fate had literally forced him to do it.
He hadn't admitted it, but I believed now it wasn't only our friendship that made his life feel like a curse. It had also been from falling in love with a woman he knew he could never have. Something I didn't know how he lived with, for if it had been Ella, well let's just say I would have gone to war against the very Fates themselves.
Either way, it was fucked up and like most forbidden love stories, it was…
Far from a fucking fairytale.
17
THE WORRYWART
ELLA
Ihad to say, that when I heard we were going to see my parents I thought I would be more excited. Now the reasons for this didn't have anything to do with my parents per say, because of course I wanted to see them. Hell, there had been times that I’d been heartbroken at the thought that I would never see them again. So no, my worry didn't really have anything to do with them but more to do with the fact that Jared was taking me there.
It had been five days since I told him the truth about his wife. Five days since the hardest conversation of my life. He had clearly needed time to process, because even after he walked back inside after needing time alone, Jared had been different.
Of course, my worry didn't stem from whether he believed me or not. I also knew he didn't blame me for any of it. And as for the physical side of our relationship, if anything, this had simply intensified. Like his need to touch me had become even stronger. However, in the bedroom, the dominant side of him had calmed significantly and was replaced with intense love making. There were moments of such powerful intimacy between us that I often felt tears fill my eyes, as he placed his forehead against mine and his gentle thrusts came to fruition with us both finding our release at the same time.
It was like he was trying to relay his feelings to me without being able to say the words. But unfortunately, it had gotten to a point where it was his words that I really needed. Because Jared had grown distant in a different way. I knew what he must have been going through was hard. A lot to for him to process, difficult to accept, and even harder to move on from. Which was why I tried to make it easier for him by not pushing him to talk about it. But I couldn't help the worry and anxiety that grew within me as time went on. It was like he was planning something and, in the past, for Jared, that had always meant bad things for me.
I knew that his first instinct was always to keep me safe. To keep me safe while he dealt with whatever problem we faced, but in that I also knew it meant making decisions without me. Which was why when he told me about going to my parents’ before the New Year’s Eve party at Afterlife, I hadn’t felt the happiness that I should have, because I was terrified that he would simply drop me off there and walk away, ready to face the dangers alone.
I hoped I was being paranoid. But when he started going outside to make phone calls, I knew he was planning something and if he didn't want me to hear what was being said, then I knew that didn't bode well for me. Once, I had tried to listen in, falling back into old habits. I had crept out the back door onto the deck so I could listen around the corner to what was being said. Let's just say that the conversation he was having with his brother didn't do anything to ease my fears.
“I need to be ready to slip away, it has to be when Ella is distracted.” I didn't hear his brother’s response but it surprised me when Jared didn't start arguing. Because if Jared was about to leave me without my knowledge, I knew that his brother would have been the first one to argue against it and not help him.
“I will take her to her parents, I need to speak with her father anyway before the party at Afterlife,” he said in response to something else his brother had asked. After this he started to ask if the men were ready and that's when my heart sank. Because I knew then, Jared was planning something big. And that something, well, it didn’t sound as if it included me.
After hearing all that, I slipped back inside, totally disheartened because it felt like we were back to square one again. However, instead of approaching him about it, I decided to give it time in the hope that he would feel guilty about his plans. I was living with the hope that he needed time to think. That he needed the time to realize his mistake and include me in his decision making. Because this time, I didn't want to do the typical thing I always did. I didn't want to pack my bags and run away without giving him a chance to explain. We had been through too much together for me to act out my own mistakes again.
Now all I was hoping for was that Jared wouldn't make his own.
So yeah, needless to say, the last five days had been an emotional roller coaster. In fact, when his brother came back the day after he caught us on the couch, it was nice to see a friendly face. It had given us a slice of normality. Something to talk about rather than facing the elephant in the room that was no longer hidden by my secrets.
Instead of just bringing food like the first time, he had brought clothing, something I had desperately been in need of because I couldn't keep on wearing Jared's clothes… Despite what he thought and how funny he found it.
We had talked about how Asher was getting on and I couldn't help but laugh as he recalled the antics of Marcus and his ‘guidance’.
But soon, he left us again, however, not until we had fed him. Jared had cooked the steaks on the grill outside, while I had done potatoes and corn on the cob, both of which were loaded up with butter and salt. I also knew that this was an opportunity for Jared to tell his brother everything that I had told him. I may not have had supernatural hearing, but even I could see his brother's shock through the window at everything Jared had to say.
Obviously, after this, much of the meal had been spent in quiet contemplation for Jared, and his brother made a conscious effort to try and make conversation with me. It was clear that he felt sorry for me and, in true Orthrus manner, he was kind and gentle. Careful of where the conversation may lead and purposely asking me about my family. Mundane questions about my work and life before meeting Jared. He even inquired about my dancing and asked if I had the choice and my body was up to it, would this have been what I would have preferred to do for a career.
I thought about the question, knowing how much I loved to dance. The thrill of being on stage and having the audience eating out of the palm of my hand. Telling a story with my body, putting my heart into every movement and my soul into every punishing step. Meaning that…
Every dance was a living dream.
But then I thought about all the people I'd helped, the wildlife I’d had a hand in protecting and how it all meant something to me. And choosing between the two was like asking whether I preferred peanut butter or jelly when I love them both equally on a sandwich together. In essence, they were both a part of me, and every one of the years I’d spent doing each had helped mold me into the person I had become.
