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“My legs are killin’ me. I can’t wait to take a load off,” Wade says after we get the horses put away.
“I’m gonna shower and head to Buck’s.”
“I’d ask if you want some company, but I already know the answer.”
“You just said you were tired anyway.”
“Yeah, but that’s not the point.”
I pull my hat off and scratch my head. “This is why horses make more sense to me.” People make things hard.
“I guess you’re right. I just like to give you shit. You could use a little razzing from time to time.”
“I think you’re losin’ it, old man.” I wink, and Wade chuckles. Goddamn him. I don’t want to like him giving me a hard time, don’t want him or anyone else to be able to get to me, but he can, and he does.
“Some things just get better with age, kid, and I’m one of them.”
“At your age you must be a fuckin’ saint.”
This time we both laugh. In moments like this it’s hard not to forget the past. Hell, in moments like this it’s hard not to want to forget it, but my fear of getting hurt holds me back.
The rest of the guys are in the bunkhouse when we arrive. Big Jimmy made spaghetti, and we all dig in and fill our bowls—me and Wade washing up first.
I eat with the guys rather than heading straight for the shower. Jeb starts rambling about some woman in town, Bella, and how he’s been trying to get her to go out with him. “She’ll let me fuck her, but she won’t let me take her on a date. What the hell is that shit?”
“I can tell you it don’t sound like somethin’ you should be complaining about,” Bulldog counters. “Pussy with no obligation.”
“Jesus Christ.” Wade rubs a hand over his face. “Do you know the first damn thing about being appropriate?”
“Why the fuck I gotta be appropriate in here with you guys?” Bulldog argues. “Ask Porter. He’d agree. You want ass with or without obligation?”
I shrug. “Don’t bring me into your shit. You’re in this alone.”
“How do you know he wants ass at all? Maybe he’s a bottom,” Otis adds.
“What the fuck is a bottom?” Bulldog asks, and then the light goes on in his head. “Ooh, so you’re saying Porter takes the dick and don’t give it. Well, hell. I can’t see that happening. You can hardly get the guy to talk, much less loosen up enough to take a cock.”
The guys all laugh as I wonder how in the fuck we got here, where in the hell this conversation is coming from, and why it makes me feel an unexpected twitch in my chest.
“My dick or ass aren’t going anywhere near any of you, so I don’t know why you’re so worried about how I fuck.”
Of course it’s Bulldog who speaks first. “Well, I wasn’t until Otis got me thinking about it.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I groan, dropping my head back.
“What? I never talked to anyone about gay sex before. I got questions.”
Big Jimmy swats Bulldog on the back of his head for me.
“Don’t ask me. Ask Otis. He seems to know a lot.” I stand up and take my dish to the sink. We all clean up after ourselves around here, so I wash the bowl, then ignore Bulldog throwing questions at me, grab my clothes, and head for the shower.
It wasn’t like this at any of the other ranches I’ve been at. I don’t keep my sexuality a secret, but we also weren’t talking over dinner about what a bottom is and what sex is like with two guys. I’ll never tell them this, but I appreciate that they don’t make a big deal out of it, that they talk about my sex life the same way they would about Bulldog’s or anyone else’s.
Still, I’m thankful the conversation is over by the time I get out. They’re all playing cards at the table, Jeb looking over his shoulder to ask, “Wanna be dealt in?”
“Nah, I’m heading to Buck’s.” I hope no one asks if they can go as I grab my guitar. Contrary to what some people think, I don’t get off on being an asshole. I just need space. It’s how I’m built.
“Be good.” Bulldog pumps his brows at me, and Big Jimmy swats the back of his head again. “Goddamn it. Why you always gotta do that to me?”
