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“I literally jumped you in the shower and brought a condom. And news flash—I knew I was a virgin.”
“Yeah, you did, but... Quinn, I can’t do the whole true-love thing.” His chest felt like it was full of ground-up glass. He wondered if that’s how his dad’s heart had felt. Before it had given out.
The image of him dropping to the ground played in Levi’s mind.
He did his best to block it out.
“I understand that,” she said softly. “I don’t want it, either, actually. I want... Why do you think I’m a virgin, Levi?”
“You made it sound like you had an array of surfers.”
“I lied. I went to college, and I didn’t really make any friends. Even when I had roommates, I didn’t get to know them. Because I was so busy policing myself, making sure that I was there for the right reasons. Making sure that I was doing the right thing. I was trying to...to prove myself. To someone who wasn’t even there anymore.”
“Your dad,” he said.
She nodded. “Yeah. My dad. I told you I followed him around every day. I cared so much about the ranch and about his approval. He used to like it. He changed. He got short-tempered. My chattering started bothering him. The day before he left...he had a blowup at me. He said I was too much. Annoying. I...I thought he liked being with me. And then the next day him and my mom just...blew up. About his affair. I trusted my dad, Levi. I didn’t think he had a secret life. But he did. And he packed up his bags and left us.” She heaved a deep breath. “I chased him and I begged him to stay. I cried and cried. I ran after his truck. He didn’t stop. And I know he left because of him. I know the changes in him, the year he screwed you over, the year he started to get impatient with me, it was about him.” She breathed deeply again, like she was trying to shift a weight in her chest. “But it felt like maybe it was because of me. And I got so...so angry. It felt better than crying.”
She continued. “I was angry like that for a couple of years. Fighting with everyone, all the time. Until I got into a fistfight with a kid at school and got knocked flat on my ass. That’s why I was so horrified when I punched you. I...had decided to never be that person again. It’s when I decided I needed to get myself focused, because I couldn’t let what my dad did take my future from me.”
He felt understanding begin to shift inside him. “He was setting up income for himself. For when he left the ranch. When he screwed me over. Because he got money from that for nearly a decade.”
Quinn nodded. “I think you’re right.”
“Then it wasn’t you, Quinn. He was planning on going all that time. You get that, right? He...he was treating you like a dog you can’t stand to have following you around because you’re going to give it up.” He grimaced. It didn’t sound as flattering as he meant it to be.
But she just smiled. “I guess he was.” She shook her head. “I don’t ever want to rely on a man. Not like that. My dad already just about screwed me up for good. This...this is helping me. I didn’t know how to be anything but one thing after he left. I knew how to be angry. Then I knew how to be driven. Now I feel like I’m finding me again, so don’t regret the sex. It was time for me. And don’t think I’m going to expect more from you than you want to give.”
He needed that to be true. Because he needed her. Right now he needed her, but he didn’t want to hurt this woman who had already been so badly burned.
“Quinn, I am tired,” he said, his voice rough. “I’m really tired of being responsible for people. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to have kids. I’m done.”
“Okay,” she said.
She looked so young then, pale, the freckles on her skin standing out even more than usual.
“I just need you to understand that,” he said.
“I do. When we open the farm store I’m going to be busy. Very busy, and it’s what we’ve been working toward. This next phase of Sullivan’s Point. And that’s the most important thing to me. I don’t want to get married. I’m a Sullivan. I aim to stay one.”
“Okay.”
They were both silent for a long moment. “Just so you know, I don’t think you should hold on to that pain that you carry.”
He looked up at her. “What?”
“I know you blame yourself. For what my dad did. But just like with me...he had a plan and he was willing to take advantage of you to see it through. Your vulnerability wasn’t wrong. My dad was.”
He looked down at his hands, and he felt like he couldn’t fully turn over those things she was saying.
“Well, just so we’re clear, it’s the same with your anger. Did you ever think that you were entitled to it?”
She blinked three times. Four. “No. Because...”
“Quinn, you had every right to be angry that your dad left. It’s normal. And maybe you shouldn’t have gone punching somebody, but maybe they deserved it. I did. I made you angry. I can take responsibility for that. That’s why I wasn’t upset when you punched me. I deserved it. People have to take responsibility for their actions, too. Everything your dad said to you at the end, everything he did, was him trying to make his own actions seem justified, and they weren’t.” For a minute, the only sound was their spoons scraping against the ice cream bowls.
A small smile curved her lips. “You do admit that you deserved to be punched.”
“In this case.”
