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He had handed her the last of the wineglasses, and she held it, wiping the dish towel over the whole thing, watching as it started to shine.
This was an old dream. Or maybe one that had never gotten a chance to fully form.
And here she was now. With him. Living this kind of life she’d thought she was too wounded to have.
Men could leave. It could destroy you. But you could also live like this. With someone who supported you, cared for you. Accepted you.
Called you carrot.
The reward seemed so much greater than the risk.
“I love you.”
She hadn’t meant to say it then. Over a sink full of soapy water, and with the dishes still to be put away. She hadn’t meant to say it this soon. She maybe hadn’t meant to say it at all. But there had been talk of things being finished after the farm store opened, and she still didn’t know where he stood on that.
So it seemed... It seemed fair...more than fair...that she put her cards on the table now. Because why not. Why not?
Well, there were so many reasons why not. But she could lose him no matter what. And she had changed. These last weeks had changed her.
“I didn’t really mean to say it like this. But I do.”
“Quinn,” he said. “We...we talked about this.”
There was no anger in his voice, and she had expected anger. Because she heard anger from him so many times. He had been so angry at her at first, and maybe this would make him mad. Make him shout.
“I know,” she said. “I know we talked about it. I do. But I love you anyway.”
“Quinn... Didn’t you hear me? The other night. The story that I told you. When I watched my father die of a broken heart.”
And there was something desperate in his voice, and something unbearably sad. Something that made her feel sorry. Like maybe she was doing something to him that she shouldn’t be doing. He wasn’t doing her the courtesy of being angry. She knew how to be soft now. She knew how. And she would be whatever he needed now. Soft or a fighter. Or maybe both all at once. Because she didn’t have to be one thing. Because she didn’t have to close herself down and cut herself off, and break herself into smaller and smaller pieces.
“Of course I heard you. And I care, about all of it. Everything that you said. It broke my heart. You should never have had to go through that. But I still love you. Because...because you are the most wonderful man, for taking care of everyone. Absolutely everyone. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve for me to be here, loving you. And you don’t need to do anything. You don’t need to say anything.”
He shook his head. “Quinn. You deserve somebody who isn’t used up. You deserve a man who didn’t...get turned into both the oldest and most immature man all at the same time, because that’s what I am. I am somehow eighty years old, with no desire to have more kids or more time at home. I want to retire. And I’m also... I don’t know how to do this. I never got a chance, and I’m too tired.”
“I’ve been with you for weeks now, and nothing about you is used up. Nothing about you is done. You are the most incredible man that I have ever known. I was raised by a man who didn’t know how to stay. I was raised by a man who took advantage of you, Levi. And you... You are just such a wonderful example of what somebody can be when they love selflessly. And I don’t believe that you’re used up. I don’t believe that you don’t have anything left, but until you can find it, why don’t you just let me love you. Let me have this.”
“Because. Quinn...” And he looked devastated. She had been willing to take his anger. She had half expected it. But she hadn’t expected him to look broken. “I have been responsible for people...”
She shook her head. “That isn’t it. That isn’t what’s wrong. You like being responsible for people. You like taking care of them. Yes, you threw me in a pond, but you never actually kicked me off of your land. You explained things to me. And you helped us.”
He looked at her, his blue eyes shattered. “I’ve always wondered. Which one of me is the real me. I will never know the answer to the question, Quinn, because I never got to be the version of myself that I dreamed I would be. I wanted to show people. That I was great. That I wasn’t lazy. And yes, I’ve done something here, but it wasn’t the glory that I wanted. But I don’t feel unfulfilled.”
“You did show them. You showed them all, and better yet, you lived gloriously. And I think that this is you. What did you think you would do when your glory days were over, Levi? Did you think you would come back here?”
“Well, yes. I did. Because I figured this place was my legacy.”
“That’s who you are. The man who wanted to come back here. And it would never have been when your glory days were over. Because these are glory days. You have built this ranch. You have fought through so many obstacles. The community should’ve taken care of you, and they didn’t. An adult that you should’ve been able to trust took advantage of you. You are bruised. And it is understandable. You have every right to be distrustful. Of the world, of everything. And isn’t Four Corners lucky that you’re in the community now? That Brian Sullivan is gone? Aren’t they lucky in this town that they have you to look out for them? And if some kid was ever in the position that you were, you would come alongside them and you wouldn’t let them suffer. Just like you didn’t let me suffer. Even though you wanted to. Even though you wanted to be angry, and you said angry things, you didn’t abandon me, because that’s not who you are. You didn’t trick me. You didn’t take advantage of me.”
“I just can’t,” he said. “Dammit, Quinn, you have no idea how much I wish I could. If I could love a woman, it would be you.” He walked toward her and cupped her face, his eyes desperate. “No one else has even come close. If I could imagine having this life, it would be with you. But in my head all I see is dropping dead out in that field in a couple of years. I fucking can’t handle that. It’s the unknown. I just can’t.”
It wasn’t people he was afraid of being vulnerable to. It was the world. It was himself. It was his own heart.
She could see it in his eyes.
And she was...broken for him. For them, yes, but mostly for him.
Because Quinn had had her share of trials. The abandonment of her parents really hurt, and it had shaped her. Changed her. There was no way around that. But his life had been a different kind of hurt. The devastation and scarring that he had endured, the way that he had been used. Every time he had shown a little bit of trust in another person... She didn’t know how to get past all of that. She didn’t know how to fix him. She didn’t know how to help him. Because there was no way to do it. No easy way.
