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Not when it was just that simple thing of getting over grief, of getting over loss, of getting over betrayal.
The fear of death and brokenness.
These were not things that people could do. They couldn’t. It wasn’t easy. And there was no real answer to any of it. She knew that. She knew that she couldn’t be angry at him. Because they were Quinn and Levi in those first days, and that moment that she had yelled at him outside of the bar and said that he was being stupid.
He wasn’t being stupid. The world was dangerous. And he was right to be afraid, and everything in his experience had taught him that that was true.
She loved him, but he may never be able to love her, because life had shown him that love was pain. And why would he ever see it as anything else?
She wanted to fight, but she didn’t even know how.
“I could... I could protect you,” she said.
“Shit. No. Quinn. You are not... You are not supposed to protect me.”
“Someone should have,” she said, the anger that burned in her breast now at the world, at her father, and everyone who had ever failed her. And him. “Somebody should take care of you because all you have done is take care of other people, and they don’t even deserve it. Nobody deserves how good you are. Nobody.”
“Quinn, I will never regret my life. Ever. But it is what it is.”
“I love you.”
“I know, carrot,” he said, his voice rough. “I believe you. Dammit, I believe you. I wish...” He moved his hand across her bottom lip, and she closed her eyes. “Oh, Quinn. For a while there, things felt magical. Not the kind of thing that I’ve ever experienced before. I’m never going to know how Pride and Prejudice ends.”
That broke her. Split her in half. It cracked her soul, and everything she was.
He didn’t want to break up with her. But he didn’t want to care for her. And he had valid reasons for that. She couldn’t argue against them.
She just couldn’t.
“What am I going to do? What am I going to do without you to hold me every night?” she asked, through her tears.
Dammit, the tears. Why was this happening?
You can’t let it make you angry. He’s hurt. He’s not trying to hurt you.
He’s not your dad.
“You are a smart cookie. You’re gonna figure it out. And you are going to be just fine. You don’t need me, Quinn. You have done so much without me. You got those scholarships, and you put yourself through school. You stood strong in the face of all the criticism your dad ever leveled at you. You’re the greatest and best woman that I have ever known. That I ever will know. And you don’t fucking need me. I am just a sad guy who’s old before his time, out in a shack in the woods.”
“This is not a shack,” she said, almost laughing through her tears.
“It doesn’t matter. The principle of the thing. I’m just a guy. You’re something special. You were right. To come in and tell me that you were better than me, smarter than me. Look at what you did. The life that you imagined was not a life that was put in front of you, and you got that farm store opened. You went toe-to-toe with me, and you refused to back down, and that is all you. It is all you. You are determined, and brilliant, and a hard worker. You understand ranching. Deep in your bones. You talk about it the way that I feel about it. I’ve never known anybody who could put words to the things that are just in me. But you do it. You gave me words for myself. For what I think. You fixed my office. You made me feel like this isn’t insurmountable. You’re so smart you made it so that I could live without you here.” And that, too, was soft, spoken like it was the highest of compliments, but it made her want to weep.
He wasn’t being angry. He was heartbroken. And so was she. And she hadn’t expected that. In all the scenarios of what might happen when she imagined telling him that she loved him, this was not it. This regretful, horrible goodbye. Where he said nothing but wonderful things. Nice things. Where he said everything but I love you.
Everything but stay with me forever.
“But I don’t want to leave you,” she said.
“Later, maybe a lot later, but later, Quinn, you are going to be glad that you left. Because you are gonna go find everything that you want. You did it once before. Hell, you’ve done it more than once. You have pushed on over and over again, and you will do it again. I will never be the thing that keeps you from having it all. Please don’t make me into that. Don’t tempt me past what I can handle.”
“Okay. But I want you to know something, not because I want you to regret anything. I don’t. I really don’t. But I want you to know that over there across the field, working in that store, is a woman who loves you. Sending me away won’t make it so that I don’t love you. Because I just do. With everything that I am. And everything that I ever will be. I don’t know what I’m going to go on to do. I know that I’ll love you every minute that I do it. I was wrong, Levi. It’s okay to need somebody else. I have never felt so alive as I have needing you. And I would break my heart a thousand times, over and over and over again, for this. For you. Because you’re worth it. And I just want you to know that.”
And she kissed him, because he was so close. And that kiss was devastating.
It didn’t stop.
And then he had her backed up against the wall, kissing her like a man on fire.
