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Not at all.
“I’m dyslexic. I learned that a few years ago. I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t know... For a while, I didn’t know there were names for all the things wrong with me. I just thought I wasn’t smart.”
“Levi, I am so sorry.”
“Don’t pity me.”
“No, I didn’t mean that I was sorry for you—I’m sorry for me. I’m really sorry that I didn’t listen to you. And that I judged you. And that I thought somehow going to school for four years meant that I was smarter than you. When you have been running this place since you were eighteen years old, and I don’t know very many people who would’ve had the inbuilt instinct and ability to do that. You are clearly incredibly smart. Incredibly strong.”
“Well, don’t go crazy with the compliments. I signed a contract that I couldn’t read, because I listened to the guy who was talking to me. Not only did I not do a lot of digging, I let my skimming and my own reading comprehension be the guide to signing a ten-year lease for my field. It was stupid. I knew my own limitations, but because I wasn’t willing to ask for anyone’s help, because I wasn’t willing to expose myself, I got myself into a heap of trouble. I worked hard after that. To never be dependent again, while at the same time understanding what my own limits were. That’s why I don’t find deals anymore, Quinn. I just... I made a big mess out of it. And I never wanted to go through something like that again.”
“Of course you didn’t,” she said.
She did look sorry then.
And he didn’t want her to look sorry. He wanted her eyes to be full of desire again. He wanted her to want him.
He really wanted her.
“I think I might also have sequencing disorder. And also maybe some dyscalculia. Basically, the grab bag of learning disabilities. And you have no idea how pissed off that makes me. I thought my whole life that I just didn’t want to work hard at school. All these things that other kids could just do easily, and I knew I couldn’t do them. I knew it was harder for me. My parents were consumed with my mom’s illness. In hindsight, I think my dad had some of my same issues, so he didn’t really care about school. The teachers would tell him I didn’t apply myself, but my dad saw a hard worker, so he thought they were liars. At school I got told I wasn’t trying. I knew that I wasn’t lazy when it came to doing real work. Work on the ranch. I wanted to get away and go to the rodeo, where all that would matter was how good I was on the back of a horse. Where nobody would give a shit whether or not I could read a crusty old novel about a man on a fishing boat.”
“The Old Man and the Sea?”
“Moby Dick.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Men really do like to write about travails on the water, don’t they?”
He laughed. “I guess so. And when you showed up, it seemed like a game at first to go ahead and play down to what I knew you thought. But eventually...”
“Eventually it got old.”
He nodded slowly. “Eventually. Apparently I don’t possess the ability to toy with you indefinitely.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” she said. “But especially as I’ve gotten to know you, I really wouldn’t have assumed you struggled with that. Because of the way you talk.”
“Audiobooks,” he said. “Nothing has ever made me feel more smug than the ease of access that you have to all kinds of information on audio nowadays. And video, too. Videos online were how I found out about the different learning disabilities I probably had, how I figured out how to set up my computers so that I can do most of it through voice. And have it read things to me. It isn’t that I can’t read. I can. But it takes a hell of a long time, and a lot of times I don’t retain some of the things. It’s just easier to have a little bit of help, and to not turn everything into a mission.”
“I definitely understand that.”
She was silent for a long moment. “Why didn’t you want me to know?”
He didn’t have a ready answer for that. Not really. Except...
“Remember what I said to you about vulnerability?”
“You don’t want anyone to use it against you.”
He shook his head. “No. And... Quinn, I learned a long time ago I had to take care of myself, and the people around me. I can’t be vulnerable. I have to be in charge. In control. For Dylan, Jessie and Camilla. At least if people think I’m dumb, I’m in control of that. Because I know I’m not dumb. So I can do things like I did with you. I played with you. It was easy enough to do. When someone’s underestimating you, it’s pretty easy.”
“Yeah,” she said. “I get that. And also...I bet me being a Sullivan...”
“At first,” he said. “But it doesn’t now. So now you know.”
“I meant what I said. If you still don’t want to do the easement, I am more than willing to look at the paperwork anyway.”
And he looked at Quinn, and he realized that he was just... He wanted to give her an award. For being the stubborn little cuss that she was. For sticking it out through all of the different tantrums he had at her, and for going right at him and having several tantrums right back.
She was the only person that he had ever told about the dyslexia. She was the only woman that he had ever kissed in this house. She was something, whether he wanted her to be or not.
