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Tears stung my eyes. “How do I tell my brain that? How do I let him go when I have nothing left of him but a few items from the hospital and his ashes? I wanted to bury him. I wanted a place where I could go visit him and sit with him like I do my parents.”
“It’s not too late to do that.”
I shook my head. “I don’t have the money for that. There’s the plot, the headstone, fees... I can’t afford it. I told Raymond I wanted a burial, and he told me it would be too much for me. It was what I needed, and he just ignored it because he didn’t want to deal with me and my emotions.... He controlled everything. I was so stupid to stay with him for so long.”
“You were dependent on him, and he knew that. Narcissists have a way of making you feel like you’ll have nothing without them. But you are not under him anymore. You have your own now, and you did that. If you want to bury your son, you can do that now. Many funeral homes do this free of charge.”
“They do? I didn’t know that.”
“I can give you a list of places I know that do the service. You may have to pay a small plot fee depending on where you want him to be, but you can bury your son in peace.”
I began to cry. Had I known this information, I would have done it alone. My baby deserved to be laid to rest. I wanted him with my parents. I wanted him where the three people I loved most could all be together until I joined them in the afterlife. Dr. Thomas and I spoke for another thirty minutes before I got off the phone. After talking to her, I felt I needed to nap.
Getting up from the chair, I walked over to the bed and climbed under the covers. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I got a text notification. Picking up the phone, I saw that it was Callum. When I opened the thread, a voice message populated. I hovered over the play button for a moment before pressing it. His deep voice came through, and I could hear its sadness.
“Hey, baby.... It’s day fourteen. I miss you, Pasha. My days and nights have all seemed to run together at this point.... I’m worried about you, baby. I know you told Avyn that you’re okay, but I can’t believe that until I lay eyes on you or at least hear your voice. Just please... Call me or come home.”
There was a slight pause, and I thought the message was done until he said something I wasn’t expecting.
“I love you, Pasha. That’s not how I wanted to tell you, but I love and miss you. Come home.”
My body shot up from the bed. I stared at the phone. Did he just say that? I pressed play again, listening carefully to the message.
“I love you, Pasha...”
“He loves me,” I parroted.
My heart fluttered. I hadn’t imagined hearing those words would make me feel so good. He told me he wanted to love me. If I was honest with myself, I was a little afraid of loving him. I was afraid to give my heart to another man and have him do what Raymond did... or worse. But Callum was different. His spirit felt different with mine. He was sweet, caring, loving, gentle, and so intentional.
I hated being away from him. It killed me not to speak with him. So many times, I wanted to pick up the phone when he called me. I knew I was wrong for shutting him out, but I needed this. If I knew his heart the way I felt it did, he would understand, and he wouldn’t hold it against me. Still, hearing him tell me he loved me made me vulnerable.
I looked back down at the phone. With trembling fingers, I picked it up and pressed the call button. He answered on the first ring.
“Baby.”
“Callum...”
“Baby, where are you? Are you okay? God, it’s good to hear your voice, Pasha. I’ve been so worried about you.”
“I’m okay. I just needed to get away and clear my head. I’m sorry I abandoned you—”
“No, don’t apologize. You know what you need better than anybody. I can’t hold that against you. I just... I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” Tears spilled down my cheeks. “Did you... Did you mean it? When you said you love me.”
“Of course I meant it.”
“Say it.”
He didn’t hesitate. “I love you, Pasha. I love your smile. I love your voice and the way you say my name. I love your eyes and the way you look at me so innocently. They make me want to protect you from all the bad in the world. I love the way your body feels in my arms when I hold you. I love kissing you, making love to you. I love your strength and resilience. With all that life has thrown at you, you’re still here, and I’m so proud of you for still being here. I love your friendship with Avyn and how she’s willing to go to bat for you every time. She’s a little crazy, but they make the best friends.”
I giggled when he said that. My girl had a few loose screws, but they were the reason I loved her so much.
“I’m in love with every part of you, baby,” Callum said. “You never have to wonder about that.”
“... Can you come to me?” I asked through my tears.
“All I need is an address, and I’ll be there.”
