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She kissed my cheek, then grabbed Malcolm’s hand and left. I headed back into my bedroom space with Blake and Tia. The moment I stepped in, they looked at me with curious faces.
“Sooo...” Blake said, dragging out the word, “Where did you find that handsome hunk of man candy?”
“Who, Callum?”
“Um, yes! Girl, he’s beautiful.”
I rolled my eyes. “He helped me out a while ago. We ran into him in Walmart yesterday, and our big-mouthed friend accepted his offer to come help out today. Low key, she was trying to set me up.”
Tia smirked. “Well, our friend has good taste. You deserve a little fun.”
“I’ll tell you like I told her, I’m not trying to see anyone. I just want to get my life together. He did give me his number and said he wants to be friends.”
“Nothing is wrong with being friends,” Blake said.
“What if he pushes for more?”
Tia pulled me to sit between them on the bed. She linked her arm through mine.
“There are good men out there, Pasha. Men who would respect a friendship until you feel like you wanted more or even if you didn’t. You can’t be afraid, boo. I know you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone. You’re only twenty-eight. There is plenty of time. I just don’t want you to go through the rest of your life being afraid of men and what they might do to you.”
“I’m not just afraid of what they would do to me. I’m afraid of what I might allow.”
Blake shook her head. “You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Pash. With everything you went through, you are still here, baby. I know you wanted to give up. I know you wanted to end things, but you fought it. You won the battle so many people have lost. I admire you for never taking that route.”
They had no idea how many times I wanted to end my life over the years. There were times when I had razor blades to my wrists in the bathtub. There were times when I had a handful of painkillers ready to swallow. There was a time when I had a loaded gun to my head. I’d been so deep in my depression that I couldn’t foresee any way out other than ending my life. Then I thought about my parents.
They would be so disappointed in me if I’d done that. I thought about my baby and how he wouldn’t want his mommy to die because he didn’t get to live. Even when I felt like I didn’t have much to live for, I chose to live for the three of them because they couldn’t live for themselves. My life as I knew it had ended, and now, I had a chance at a new beginning, and this one would be what I made it.
The sun peeked in through my window bright and early Sunday morning. My eyes slowly opened, and I looked around, remembering I wasn’t at Avyn’s anymore. There wasn’t the sound of her gospel music blaring through the speakers. I laughed to myself, thinking of how she used to tell me she attended Bedside Baptist with Reverand Pillow. She maintained the idea that she was a holy hellraiser; she may be a sinner, but she knew God and had a personal relationship with Him.
Tossing back my covers, I stood and headed into the bathroom to relieve myself. When I finished, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. Heading back into the bedroom area, I grabbed my journal and a pen and went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. While it was brewing, I threw two slices of bread into the toaster and cut up an avocado to top it. Once everything was done, I grabbed it all and placed it on the floor in front of my living room window. I opened the curtains to let the sunlight in before taking a seat.
After taking a few bites of my toast and a sip of coffee, I opened the journal to today’s writing prompt. Write a letter of encouragement to your mind. I pondered the sentence. There were so many things I could say to myself. Taking a deep breath, I picked up my pen and began writing.
Dear Mind,
It’s me, your human. I know we’ve been going through it for a while now, but things are improving. I know I haven’t been kind to you. I know I’ve burdened you with so much, and it’s been unfair. It’s time we started taking in some of the encouragement given to us. We have to believe in ourselves. Take a look around. We aren’t where we were four months ago. You need to know that your greatest gift is you. You have resilience that can’t be broken, no matter how many times it’s been tested.
You are uniquely equipped to carry your burdens. Trust yourself. You will let yourself down. You will make mistakes, but forgive yourself and turn your tragedies and failures into triumphs. Life may knock you down nine times, but you’ve got to get up ten and keep fighting. Persistence is key. You are not a quitter. You are not weak. You are not unworthy.
You deserve to embrace the fact that you alone control your life. You deserve to allow yourself to feel and be heard. There comes a point in life where self-loathing and self-doubt become torturous and no longer healthy. This is that point. Remember what drives you. Remember what makes life worth living, even in the worst of times. Take a deep break. Inhale. Exhale. You’ve got this.
Sincerely,
Pasha
I closed the journal and set it aside. That was the kindest I’d spoken to myself in a long time. It felt good and uplifting. I lifted my head toward the sun, allowing it to warm my face. Today was a brand-new day. Today, I would do something just for me because I deserve it and am worthy of having a good day. Pulling out my phone, I booked an Uber for pickup in the next hour. After finishing my toast and coffee, I put my dishes in the sink and returned to my room to find something to wear before hopping in the shower.
I took the time to cleanse my body and complete a makeup routine that I hadn’t done in at least a year. I did my lashes and eyebrows and applied a light beat to my face. For my hair, I pulled it up into a sleek, curly puff atop my head and even added earrings. I smiled as I looked in the mirror at the once-familiar reflection of myself. I felt pretty, and that had become foreign to me. Going to my closet, I sifted through my clothes, determined to put on something other than sweats and an oversized T-shirt.
I settled on a pair of khaki joggers that hugged the curves I was trying to embrace, a white T-shirt that I tucked in, and my favorite pair of canvas shoes. Digging through my keepsake box, I pulled out my mother’s silver necklace with a small diamond pendant and matching bracelet. I also pulled out my father’s favorite wristwatch. They wore these when they passed away, and I hadn’t had the heart to touch them since I placed them in the box.
The watch didn’t work, but I didn’t care. Today, I wanted to feel close to them, so I would proudly wear the pieces. Standing in front of the mirror, I looked myself over with a smile. I even snapped a picture or two because I felt that cute. Then the notification chimed, letting me know that my Uber was waiting outside. Grabbing my crossbody and keys, I headed out the front door to see what adventure awaited me.
Chapter Twelve
Callum
