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“I’m sorry... I-I tried to hold it in!”
“It’s okay,” they both said, hovering beside me.
I didn’t know why this pregnancy announcement hit me like this. I’d been around Precious and Armani. I’d spoken about wanting to try again in the future. Why did the announcement do me like this?
“It’s okay, Pash,” Avyn whispered, kissing my temple. “We’ve got you.”
“We’re right here,” Callum assured me. He sat on the ground behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and gently rocked me.
The harder I tried to calm down, the worse it felt.
“I... I can’t... I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe...”
“You’re having a panic attack,” Avyn informed me. “Look at me, Pasha.”
I tried to focus on her face, but my body wouldn’t cooperate.
“Listen to the sound of my voice,” she said softly. “Tell me three things you see.”
I panted heavily as I looked around, trying to focus my attention elsewhere. “Um... trees... f-flowers... a p-playground s-set.”
“Good, good.... Close your eyes for me.”
I did as she said and closed my eyes.
“Tell me three things you can hear.”
I listened. “C-cars on the road.... Crickets.... An owl.”
“You’re doing so good, pooh. Keep your eyes closed and focus on your breathing. I need you to move three parts of your body for me.”
I focused my attention again. First, I stretched and flexed my fingers. Then my toes, followed by my neck. Slowly, my body began to relax. Calm settled, and embarrassment set in. I hadn’t had a panic attack in so long that I almost forgot what it felt like. Avyn had seen me at my worst with those, but this was new for Callum. I wasn’t sure what he thought of it, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him right now. Looking past Avyn, I could see everybody standing on the back deck, looking out with concerned faces.
“I want to go home, Avyn...” I said quietly. “I can’t go back in there after this.”
Callum gently rubbed my arms. “Baby, nobody is going to judge you.”
I ignored him. “Please,” I begged her.
“Okay. I’m sure Malcolm will let me borrow his car.”
She stood and beckoned him over. They spoke quietly for a moment before he handed over his keys. She came back over and helped me to my feet.
“Just give her some time,” she said to Callum, who I was sure was confused. “I’ll let you know when we make it back.”
She led me away from him. Eva stepped forward in front of me when we got closer to the group.
“I’m so sorry, Pasha.... I wasn’t thinking.”
I shook my head. “No. No, this was good news, and I’m so happy for you. It’s just me. It’s nothing to do with you. Thank you for having me tonight, but I think it’s best if I leave.”
She didn’t try to protest, and it wouldn’t have done her any good. She simply pulled me in for a hug and kissed my cheek before allowing Avyn to lead me inside. Avyn grabbed her purse and mine, and we headed out to Malcolm’s car. As we settled in, I saw Callum standing in the doorway. He looked hurt, and I hated that. I knew he wanted to console me, but I just needed to go home and gather myself right now.
Back in my apartment, I sat in the tub in the bubble bath Avyn had ready for me. She stepped out to call Callum and let him know that we were here, and I was okay. Only I was far from okay. My heart was aching in its cavity, and the drive back was filled with loud and deafening silence. I cried the entire ride. I cried in the elevator. I cried for twenty minutes in my bed while Avyn lay there with me, gently rocking me and wiping my tears. Eva’s announcement did a number on me.
It made me sad because I knew that being with Callum meant I would be around everybody in attendance tonight. I’d have to watch her belly grow. I’d probably find myself touching it. I’d have to listen to her picking out baby names or talk about her pregnancy journey, all while I sat there, childless... a childless mother, mourning the loss of three pregnancies and the death of a child.
The realization was too much for me. I might have held it together if Callum hadn’t grabbed my hand. It was like a knee-jerk reaction for him when the words left Eva’s mouth. It was as though he felt the shift in my spirit when the feeling hit me. I was so embarrassed about breaking down like that in front of everyone.
