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Again, I felt the tears streaming down my face. They weren’t just tears of sadness. I felt so much anger and rage thinking about the way Raymond left me to grieve by myself. He didn’t leave physically, but mentally and emotionally, he abandoned me. In front of other people, he was the most loving and doting husband in the world. Alone, he was cruel and standoffish. For weeks after our son passed, he looked at me in disgust.
Every time I cried, he’d make me feel worse by telling me I should have done this or that, and our child would be here. When he decided he wanted to try again, I was barely six weeks postdelivery. I wasn’t sexually or mentally ready to try to have another baby, and I adamantly refused him. He cursed me from here to hell and called me everything but a child of God. How could he think I’d be ready after the loss I experienced?
As I sat there stewing in my anger, I thought of all the things I wanted to say to him that I never said. I thought of all the pain I wanted to inflict upon him. He was basking in the joy of another woman carrying his child while mine was sitting here with his ashes in an urn.
I placed the items back in the box and put it on the top shelf. After slipping on a hoodie and my sneakers, I left the closet. I walked carefully to the front door so I wouldn’t wake the girls and grabbed my keys. After quietly unlocking the door, I slipped into the hallway, took the elevator down, and quickly went to my car.
My mind raced as I drove through the semiquiet city streets to the place that was once my home. It was after midnight when I arrived. The light in the living room was on, and Raymond’s car was in the driveway. Memories of coming home to my things sitting on the front lawn filled my head. I saw Adora proudly standing in my doorway, laughing at me. I felt embarrassed knowing my neighbors could probably hear and see everything. Anger coursed through my veins as I climbed out of the car and stormed up to the front door, banging on it.
I could hear movement on the other side before it swung open. There stood my soon-to-be ex-husband, his mistress... and their baby. She’d given birth. I stared at the beautiful, curly-haired little girl swaddled in a pink blanket. For a moment, I was stunned.
“What the hell are you doing here this time of night?” Raymond snapped, breaking my stare.
I blinked and refocused my gaze on his angry face. “I have something to say to you.”
Adora scoffed. “You show up here after midnight, banging on our door while my child is sleeping, and you think you’re gonna talk to him? I get that you don’t have any children, but please, consider those of us who do.”
“The only thing saving you from my fist meeting your face is the fact that you are holding that baby. Consider that, bitch.”
“Adora, take my daughter upstairs and wait for me, baby,” Raymond instructed.
She frowned.
“You should listen like you’ve been trained to do,” I said, folding my arms.
“Bitch—”
“Adora!” Raymond raised his voice. “Go—now.”
He leaned in and kissed her, then motioned for her to leave. Reluctantly, she backed away and took the stairs. Raymond stepped out onto the front porch and closed the door.
“What, Pasha? What did you have to say that was so important it could—”
I hauled off and slapped the shit out of him will all my might. He stumbled backward, his body hitting the door with a thud. When he realized what had transpired, he tried to come at me, but I raised my foot and kicked him as hard as I could in the groin. That took him to his knees.
“You bitch...” He seethed through gritted teeth.
I stood over him and bent down. Grabbing his face, I forced his eyes to meet mine.
“I... fucking... hate you. I hate you for all the mean and nasty things you said to me. I hate you for making me hate myself. I hate you for making me grieve the loss of our son alone! I gave you the best of me, and when my best wasn’t up to your standards, you discarded me like trash. You used me until you couldn’t use me anymore. I was your wife,... your wife, Raymond. Through sickness and health, until death do us part. That’s what you promised me! Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I needed a shoulder to cry on? A listening ear? Comfort from my fucking husband? I was dying inside, and you were out here sticking your dick in other women and getting them pregnant!”
I slapped him again.
“Do you know how many times I wanted to take my life and end it all? That’s how bad my depression was, and you did nothing to make things better for me! I catered to you day and night for years. I fed you, cleaned your house, and washed your dirty drawers. I gave you my body when I didn’t even feel like it, and you, in turn, made me feel like my body was disgusting. This is the same body that tried to carry four of your children! This is the same body that was poked and prodded with needles for fertility treatments to bear you a child. How dare you shame me. How dare you disrespect me!”
“You were weak!” he spat, shoving me away. He climbed to his feet and towered over me as he glared at me. “I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you. You were nothing but a young girl trying to play a woman’s game with an older man. You were the perfect submissive, and it was so easy to make you one.”
I shoved him, but it did nothing but cause him to laugh.
“You want the truth, right? That’s what you came here for, right? You want to get some shit off your chest. Don’t grow a backbone now, Pasha. That man has you feeling yourself. He gave you a little bit of confidence, and you thought it would be a good idea to come over to my house!”
He backed me down the steps.
“Look at you. You’re nothing. You don’t have shit, and you will never be shit. As soon as he leaves you, you’ll be back to your same old, tired, depressed self. I’m sure you’ll find something to eat your way through it like you always do. Who knows, maybe this time, you’ll actually have the nerve to take the coward’s way out. You cut off your family. Your parents are dead, and so is your son. Who would really miss you?”
I saw red.... Burning, hot, fire red. If I could get away with murdering him where he stood, I would gladly do it. The smirk on his face as the last words left his mouth made my blood boil. I looked down at the bricks lining the driveway. It would be so easy to pick up one and smash it into his head over and over until there was nothing but bloody brain matter splattered across the lawn.
But I couldn’t do that. He’d already stripped me of so much. I wouldn’t allow him to rob me of my freedom too. I stepped toe-to-toe with him.
