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I nodded, though a lump grew in my throat. I really wanted to throw the blankets over my head and cry, from shame and embarrassment and maybe even from anger. But I knew why they’d come. And I knew I needed to be the first to speak here.
“When I was young, the first lesson my father taught me was never to trust a soul. He said the world would sooner chew me up and spit me out than show me kindness. And he was right for my whole life. Every twist and turn that led me, guided me, were those words.”
“Dey,” Thea whispered, but I held up a hand.
“I thought—” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I thought I could come here and learn your secrets and figure out Orin’s secret. I’d seen him kill, and that’s the only reason I came back that day Thea freed me. I’m assuming you’ve gathered by this point that he has power?”
They nodded.
“I’d thought I was so smart, and you all were so naïve. I started this friendship on a lie. I tied Boo up down at the river and convinced Quill we could save him, just so I could ask her questions about you.”
“This isn’t necessary,” Elowen said.
“And you?” I laughed, though a tear betrayed my feelings. “I slipped you a sleeping tonic so I could search the house. That’s how I knew about Thea’s armory. I’m apologizing for those things because honesty is the only way forward. So, I’m sorry. For being the worst of us. And I know you knew him longer. You’d loved him harder. Your loyalty to him trumped the friendships we’d grown. I get it. I wish I’d known, though. I wish one of you would have told me I was only here because of my touch.”
“No one told you that because it isn’t true.” Paesha stepped closer, lifting her skirt to sit on the edge of the bed. “We didn’t tell you because we wanted to keep you here with us. We knew you’d be pissed, and we knew you’d run.”
Another tear fell. “I would have. I did.”
Thea smoothed a hand over a wrinkle in the blanket at the foot of the bed. “He’d gotten so dark and so mean. And by the time we were all on the same page about telling you, he’d become so attached, we knew neither of you would forgive us. So, we had to sit back and wait and hope that when it was time, we could find a way to salvage this family.”
“We are a family, Deyanira, the six of us. As a mother, I needed you to help my son. I won’t deny that. But I also needed you here. We all did. We still do.” Elowen shuffled closer. “You can consider this tough love, but I’m not going to allow you to run off without the apology you deserve. You can take it or leave it, but just know that after all this time, none of us were pretending to want you here. We love you.”
I traced the stitching pattern on the quilt folded over me, the tears still falling, though now it was a release more than anything. Letting go of twenty-seven years of emotions I’d never been allowed to feel without being weak.
“You’re safe here,” Elowen said. “And we’d like you to stay. Not because of Orin. Because your place here is deserved.”
A simple throat clearing from the doorway sent a ripple of anticipation through me. The women filed out of the room, revealing the most stunning man I’d ever seen standing in the hall, wearing a black suit, tie, tails, pocket square, and all. He looked just as I’d remembered him. The darkness gone, the light honey of his eyes returned.
“Is it safe for me to enter?” he asked, a playful lift to his brow, an attempt to ease the tension, no doubt.
“Define safe.”
“If you have to ask, I’m safer in the hall.”
I cast away all attempts at lightheartedness, lowering my chin to glare at him. “People died, Orin. A lot of them. And for what? Me? I wasn’t worth a single one of their lives. And if I were bold enough to sit here and say I was, it still doesn’t change the fact that you’ve lied to a degree I can’t and won’t get over. The night I met you, you played the part of a man, smitten at first glance, willing to sweep away the Death Maiden for the good of the kingdom. And I hated you the next day. I wanted you gone in those moments more than anything. I’d cast you lower than every other person in this realm. But every day that’s passed since then, you climbed step after step, redeeming yourself, becoming the man I’d hoped you were all those months ago. I was such a godsdamned fool to have believed you. Again.”
“No.” His skin paled, confident shoulders sunken in. His breath rattled as he managed to draw it. “I hated myself, too. In so many ways, I thought we were the same. Most know Death delivers the names of his preferred victims, but the details get lost in gossip. So many before you have killed far beyond those demands; no one knew the truth anymore. Not even Hollis, who watched his sister succumb to the madness. But I thought I did. I thought somehow there’d been a mistake, and two were born with Death’s power. I could make choices and so could you. But you chose a woman that helped my mother raise me. And then Ezra. My brother. My best friend. And the grief from those losses was all-consuming.”
“So, I deserved to be lied to because you made assumptions that were wrong? And even when you learned that, it wasn’t enough to speak the truth?”
He closed the distance between us, falling to his knees on the floor beside me to take my hands. “No. I never lied to you. I didn’t tell you the whole truth, and I’m sorry for that, but you came to your own conclusion about the Maestro forcing our marriage, and I just couldn’t tell you otherwise because I knew you’d run. I needed you far more than you’ve ever needed me, and I thought if the woman who tried to kill me several times knew that, it would just be another weapon for you to yield against me. But I fell in love with my enemy, and as the truth unraveled, I couldn’t bear to lose you for so many other reasons. For the smile you give when you think no one is looking, the way you feed that damn dog so much he doesn’t eat his supper anymore, for the way you love my family so fully, for Hollis. Because he loved you more than all of us, I think.
“I was selfish. I just kept holding on to the moments I had with you because I knew the end was near. Every single night, I’ve prayed to gods I don’t know the names of to help me find a way to keep you. You always deserved the truth. I don’t care how complicated this gets. I still want you.”
He looked so hard into my eyes I could feel every second between my heartbeats, could feel each lingering moment like the ticking of a dying clock.
“I’m sorry, Deyanira. You deserve so much better than this bond between us. I know you never chose it. And I wish I could say this just isn’t meant to be, but I can’t speak those words. That truly would be a lie. We are meant to be. You’re my counterpart. You are the balm to my broken soul, and though you hate it, you know I am the only man you want. When I kiss you, your knees weaken. When we’re alone, your eyes linger.” He stood, closing the distance between us, leaning over the bed. “Whatever it is you need to forgive me and stay, speak it, and it is yours. There’s not a single mountain I won’t climb.”
“Omitting the truth is exactly the same as lying.” I needed to speak the words aloud to convince my heart of the same, because I was weak for him. And I loved him, even in this vat of pain.
“I know it is, love. Please. Let me earn you back.”
I placed a trembling hand to his cheek, closing my eyes. “I wouldn’t even know where to start forgiving you.”
He tucked a finger under my chin, lifting. “At the beginning. This time, you have all the truths and all the choices.”
“What do you mean?”
