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This I knew. This brokenness. This confusion. This what-the-fuck moment. I knew it. Lived it for so long.
He needed to process it. Understand it. Even if it was something that could never be understood.
“He’ll be lucky if he lives for another month,” Justin finally said.
“Doesn’t mean you need to put up with that.”
He kept staring at the ground. “I know. I know. But just another month.”
I released a slow breath and wrapped my arm around him, leaning into him, taking in his warmth, and hopefully sharing mine, because he’d feel cold. Moments like this always felt cold to me, like the living breathing soul inside of me had been sucked out and there was no fire inside to keep me going. I always felt like that until time passed and I was able to rekindle that fire.
We shouldn’t have gone in there. He had been away from it for so long and then in a span of an hour, was tossed back into that world when he should have never gone back. We walked away from the hospital and I finally began feeling like I made a mistake. I told Justin to do what he wanted. Supported him to do what he wanted. I did nothing to stop him.
And he dove back into his hell.
No one should ever have to face their hell.
I should have stopped him.
Chapter Thirty-Three
We didn’t return back to my place right away, instead going to what was quickly becoming our little spot. It seemed to do the trick as Justin began looking like himself. All we did was sit and listen to the rushing water as it went by.
By the time Justin stood up, my ass was frozen. For a moment, I almost thought it was going to be frozen to the ground.
On the ride back to my house, I finally talked. “I feel like I made a mistake.”
“How so?” Justin’s question was too casual, too normal for what had happened.
“I let hell visit you,” I whispered, gripping the steering wheel. “I let you face it when you shouldn’t have.”
Justin’s quietness only felt heavier to me. I kept my focus on the road.
“You didn’t make any mistakes,” he finally said, head leaning against his window, eyes closed. “You’ve been the only one there who has helped me. Everyone else doesn’t get it, why I’m doing this. Just you and I’ve needed that.”
“They are right on some aspects,” I said. “It’s one thing to be there for him as you have been. But it’s another to let him drag you down back to hell. You don’t need to go through that.”
He finally looked at me. “You do that every time you visit your mom.”
That shut me up right away. He was right. Every time I visited Lindie, it was like going back to the past—reading her moods, bracing myself, readying myself for the pain and torment. Hardening myself.
I wanted to tell him it wasn’t the same, but the words were heavy on my tongue, because it was the same.
I understood what he was doing just like he understood why I kept visiting Lindie and why I kept taking care of her.
I chuckled at a random thought. It was bitter, not happy at all, but it still came out.
“What?” Justin asked.
“People always say blood is thicker than water. And when I was in the hospital, talking to a social worker, she went on about how new bonds can be formed, stronger bonds than family. Like blood wasn’t thicker than water. That I could find something stronger than that. But look at us two. Sticking to our parents simply because they’re our parents. Makes me question a lot. That’s all.”
Justin cleared his throat. “For me, it’s the history. He’s the last connection to my mom and little sister. The only person who remembers them. And I’m about to lose that. It’s like I’m about to lose them all again, and this time it’ll be final.”
My heart shattered for him.
“Tell me about them,” I rasped out.
Justin cleared his throat and sat up straighter in his seat, like he was bracing himself. I almost wanted to tell him he didn’t have to tell me anything, but then he started talking, his voice rough. “Ariel liked to sing. She was too young to know how to do it, but she sure loved to try. And my mom would go right along with her. Would drive Dad and me both crazy with it. I’d tease that they were making my ears bleed. Ariel was vibrant, always jumping around. She liked being chased and tickled. Claimed she hated it, but she actually loved it.”
