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“Then stop looking so angry. Who are you even angry with?” I asked.
“Myself,” Paxon snapped. “You shouldn’t have gotten hurt. That wasn’t supposed to happen like that. And yet it did because I opened my mouth at the wrong time. I knew they were going to be mad. I’m pissing on their dreams. I proved I’m good enough to get what they can’t but decided not to continue playing.”
“You already explained yourself to them. If they can’t accept your choices, that’s on them to get over. They don’t get to run your life.”
“I know that! But they’re my teammates. We talked so much about the future. About soccer.” He lowered his voice. “I can’t help but feel like I really did shit on their dreams. And then you got hurt because of it.”
“I already told you it was no one’s fault.”
“But isn’t that why we’re doing this, all of us dating you. Because none of us want you to be hurt. And yet, with us all right by your side, it still happened.”
My heart twisted with his words.
“Are we doing something wrong?” I asked. “Do you not want to date me?”
“No! No, that isn’t what I’m getting at. We aren’t doing anything wrong. As long as it doesn’t feel wrong to you, then it’s fine.”
I frowned. “But what about you, does it feel wrong to you?”
“I want to be there for you.”
My heart sank. “That isn’t an answer.”
“I don’t… I don’t know how to respond.” Paxon was beginning to look really flustered. “I’m doing what I think I should. I just want to be with you, I know that much. Sharing you with the others, that’s something I’m going to need to learn how to wrap my head around.”
“I don’t want you doing something you aren’t comfortable doing.”
“I love the guys. They’ve been my friends since practically my whole life. If you asked me and they were strangers, it’d be a hard no. A fuck no, no thoughts needed. But it’s Seth and Justin and Toby and Bryan. They’re practically my brothers, and I want their happiness as much as my own. Taking that away from them feels too much like cutting my limbs off.”
“And forcing yourself to do something you aren’t comfortable with isn’t right either,” I said.
“Cadence, I’m in. I’ve already given this a lot of thought. Did pros and cons. Went through a million and one scenarios. And my decision always comes down to being your boyfriend when I know you have other boyfriends. It’s knowing that your heart is big enough for me and for others. I’m not backing down from this. If I do, I feel that in ten or twenty years from now, I’ll look back and realize this was my biggest regret in life, that one thing I wished I changed but didn’t. I don’t want that.”
“No regrets?”
“None. I’m happy when I think about you.” He smirked. “And all the adventures we can get up to, the two of us, and sometimes the others. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I don’t want to think about an ending before we even had a chance to do anything. So I’m going to give this my all. I wasn’t lying when I said I was in. I’m honored to hold the title of your boyfriend.”
Vulnerability slipped into my voice as I quietly asked, “You’ll tell me, right, if you change your mind? Please. I won’t hate you. I won’t be mad. I just need to know.”
“I will, I promise. I just need time to adjust, that’s all. I’m exactly where I want to be.”
“Okay,” I said. Yet, still my stomach felt like it was falling endlessly from his words. I truly didn’t want to force him into anything or make him believe he had to do it because the others were doing it.
That wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted to create.
“So what are you doing out here?” Paxon asked.
“I’m just making noise,” I said, letting him change the topic.
“I doubt that. You never make noise. I’m not even sure you know how to just make noise.”
I forced a smile and pushed away all the heavy thoughts. “Well, I should start thinking about what I want to do for a small little event I’m going to do in two weeks.”
“Oh? What kind of small event?” That seemed to perk Paxon up.
“I got invited to join a streamer. He’s putting on a Thanksgiving event to raise money for cancer research for children. I’ll get on, perform and then be done. Easy enough and it’s for a good cause, so I thought why not. I’ve never been a part of a live stream like that before.”
“Oh, Toby has a few streamers he likes. I think he mentioned them doing a huge fundraiser that he was interested in watching. He’s going to flip out when he realizes you’re in it. What song are you going to sing? Are you going to do that thing, I think it’s called looping.”
