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“If you’re comfortable with it, can you tell me what this other student said?”
I bit at my lip briefly before caving and going into the details of what happened, how everyone reacted, why I got hurt. And that led to talking about how I hadn’t been able to have a decent conversation with Justin because he kept going off on his own. As far as I knew, no one was able to have a conversation with him.
When I drew in a breath to continue talking, Dr. Arason held her hand up, letting me know she wanted my attention. “Cadence, I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to take a moment to truly think about what it is I’m asking you, okay?”
I nodded and swallowed, not sure what to think.
“What are you afraid of?”
I blinked, not expecting that question.
“I—”
“Think about it before you answer me. What are you truly afraid of?”
I snapped my mouth shut and let her question swirl around in my head. What was it that had me so on edge? That haunted me? What was the reason I was so scared and worried?
Licking my lips, I finally answered her. “I’m afraid Justin is going to disappear.” My answer came out thick and hoarse, the heaviness of it suffocating me. I sniffed, feeling the tears trying to push out. My eyes burned as I kept talking. “I’m afraid that I’m going to lose him because of what happened.”
“You think he’ll disappear like your dad?” Dr. Arason asked.
I squeezed my fingers, trying to keep the courage to talk. It wanted to run away. I wanted to run away. “Yes.”
“Like Micah?”
“Micah?” I stared at her, confused. “What does Micah have to do with this?”
“Cadence, you know loss in a way that not a lot of people do. Your loss itself may be something you see as common. There are plenty of diverse family dynamics out there. But yours is one that is deeper than that. Your loss has led to a lot of trauma with your mother. Your dad disappeared from your life completely. Your mom changed too, you lost her in the sense of her being a mother.”
“I wouldn’t say she was ever a mother.”
“But she was when your dad was around, right?”
I grimaced at how true that was. “She may not have been a perfect mom, but there were moments when you had a mom, but when your dad left, you lost those moments too. Micah is more of a minor point. You continuously lost him every time your summer camp ended. Your best friend physically gone.”
“I think you’re stretching it a bit,” I said.
“Am I?” Dr. Arason asked genuinely, like she really wanted to know. “In that case, then I apologize. I can only make inferences based on what you tell me, and we’ve talked about Micah extensively a few times, especially in regard to your ability to connect with him.”
“He’s my best friend. I connect with him just fine.”
“But he doesn’t feel that, right? The last two arguments you told me you had with him were around you being unable to open up to him. Because he felt like you were pushing him away, hiding things from him. Was that wrong?”
I clenched my jaw. It wasn’t wrong. Again and again, I was reminded how terrible of a friend I was being to the one person who has stuck to my side since we were kids causing trouble at camp. All those late-night phone calls, pouring our fears and secrets to each other. And yet he was finally in front of me, and it was different. For some reason, I struggled talking to him like I did when he lived across the country. It scared me.
“Why won’t you open up to Micah?”
“I think we’re getting off track,” I mumbled.
“From my perspective, it’s the same with Justin, right? He’s someone important to you. I’m not sure how because you avoid that when it comes to your new friends, but he’s precious to you. And you feel like you’re losing him. You’re feeling that trauma of loss again. So, will he become another Micah?”
“No!” I nearly jumped out of my seat.
She raised an eyebrow. “Then how is it going to be different? Will you let him pull away? Will you keep your thoughts and your fears to yourself?”
“I can’t lose him,” I admitted. I curled my hands in my lap, trying to keep still even though I wanted to get up and start moving. “It feels the same, like when I went to my first ever competition. I was scared. It was a small competition—the audience was filled with only family and friends of competitors—but I was still so scared. And I went out on that stage, and I played the piano, and I failed. I kept making mistakes. Over and over, faster and faster. And it was just a complete failure that wouldn’t stop. And it feels the same with Justin. Like he’s on that stage, all by himself, and he’s scared, and he just keeps making mistakes. I don’t know how to help him. To show him that competitions aren’t always solo. I’m even willing to learn to play the violin so I can accompany him.”
Damn. I was going so far into this analogy I wasn’t sure what I was talking about anymore. Yet, it felt right. Exactly what I was feeling.
