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My little car ended up wedged between a van and a truck, so I didn’t see Justin right away. He stood waiting by my car, staring down at the ground, his bag by his feet.
“Justin?” I asked.
His head snapped up. “You didn’t ask me.”
“Oh.” I glanced at my car. “Did you want to come with me?” Unsurety made my question come out hesitantly. I really hadn’t been expecting him there.
“Yeah.”
Nothing about his response gave anything away. Just like for the last two weeks, he was completely closed off. “Okay.” I unlocked my car and we got in.
I headed toward the cafe shop that I used to go to a lot with Dad when I was a kid. It ended up becoming that space for us to meet and talk. Last time I was there with him, it didn’t go so well and there was a chance today wouldn’t go well either.
Dad had been making so many steps to reenter my life, but I didn’t know where to put him in it. So much of what I had now, I had to figure out on my own without him. I even bought a house on my own without the help of any parents. What seventeen-year-old bought houses? Now he wanted to be a part of my life again.
I just didn’t know what to do with him. And it felt like it was the same for him too. We didn’t know what we wanted from each other, but we wanted to find out.
I was scared shitless though that he was going to be gone just as quickly as he arrived. That this was all a dream and once again I was going to find myself back on stage singing in hopes that he was out there listening.
I tapped at the wheel as my nerves rose again and that ugly monster I called Doubt whispered sweet ugliness into my thoughts. It was almost too hard to breathe with how all my fears seemed to be trying to hold me back. It’d be so easy to push Dad away. It was more of a fight to not do it.
“Justin,” I said, gripping my steering wheel. He sat in the car with me. He was in touching distance, and yet, I’d never felt so alone.
“Yeah?”
“Are you here with me?” I asked.
“I’m sitting right here.” Frustration slipped into his voice.
I gritted my teeth as I sat up straighter, ready to get defensive. “Sure, but what about inside your head? You’ve been gone for two weeks. Isn’t that why you’re not swimming right now? Because you’ve been banned from the swimming pool, spending too much time there. Becoming reckless.”
“How do you know about that?” He actually sounded surprised.
I sent him a glare. “I didn’t. I only made a guess. Otherwise, you’d be at the swimming pool. But I also do pay attention. I’m not so self-centered that I wouldn’t know you were being an idiot.”
“The guys told you,” he grumbled.
“No, they didn’t. Lillian told me today in class. About how you were an idiot during swimming practice and nearly hurting yourself. That your swim coach had gone there to make sure everything was locked up yesterday and you were still there. That he had to kick you out.”
“So that’s why you didn’t ask me.”
I squeezed the wheel. “I need the Justin who can be with me right here in the present while I go to talk to my dad. But you can’t be him right now. So no, I wasn’t going to ask you.”
“You can rely on me.”
“I know. I never said I couldn’t.”
“You should have asked me.” Anger slipped into his voice.
“Why would I ask the guy who swims like he’s an idiot, willing to hurt himself? I refuse to unload my shit on you while you deal with your own shit.”
I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car. Justin didn’t reply. I turned to him. He was staring straight ahead, hands in a fist on his lap.
“Justin.” I softened my voice, trying to swallow my own disappointment. “Wait out here. I shouldn’t be too long, then I’ll drop you off at home.”
“You got hurt.”
I was going to get out when he finally spoke. I stopped moving. “What?”
