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I felt absolutely useless as the doctors talked to Justin. I barely understood anything that was going on, and from Justin’s despondent expression, it was the same for him. There was a hospital representative there, standing by Justin as the doctors explained everything. He was dressed professionally in a suit, with his dark hair pushed back.
When Justin asked a question, the representative would explain things a bit differently for him. At least the man was attentive and respectful when he spoke, patiently answering questions for Justin.
From what I gathered, his dad’s organs were in a state of failure now and they didn’t expect him to live much longer. He was in a coma and they were currently deciding on treatment moving forward.
“You’re asking me if I want you to let him die or to fight to keep him alive?” Justin finally asked.
“We’ll give you time, but the sooner we know, the better. Right now, his heart is barely working. If it gives again, we need to know how to react. Since you’re his only family, it’s up to you.”
“Up to me,” he whispered, looking through the window at his dad.
“We’re going to go spend some time with him,” I said when I realized Justin had no response.
The doctors glanced at each other before the main one finally gave us a small nod.
The representative gave Justin a squeeze on his shoulder. “I’ll stay out here. If you have any questions, let me know.”
Justin nodded at the man before going into the room. I gave him a moment, watching him slowly approach his dad’s bedside. I finally followed quietly, making sure the door was closed and the blinds on the window shut. Justin needed as much privacy as possible.
I claimed the chair in the corner while Justin pulled up another and sat down. He didn’t say anything. Only stared at his dad, lips pressed tightly together.
I slowly looked over his dad. This was my first time really seeing his face. The last time I was here, I stayed outside. And whenever Justin came, one of the other guys stayed with him, making it easier for me to stay away.
Justin almost looked exactly like him. Nearly black hair. Broad jaw. Raised nose. Thin lips. They both had an oval face, but where Justin’s face was filled out, his dad’s was sunken. He already looked dead, only the beeping machines letting us know he was still alive.
This was what the end of life looked like.
My phone buzzed with the guys checking in.
I briefly filled them in and went back to keeping an eye on Justin. He looked so broken and scared. My hands itched to hug him, to keep him close and away from all this.
But I knew the truth, there was nothing I could do for him, nothing I could say to make this easier.
“They want me to decide to kill him or not,” he said in a raspy voice.
“Not quite like that,” I said. “It isn’t murder.”
“It feels like it.”
I swallowed hard, feeling like I was choking. I drew in a breath.
“Did you feel something like this making decisions for your mother?”
“My mother wasn’t dying,” I said. “I had to make decisions based on her mental health. I even got a couple different doctors to diagnose her and the results were the same. It made it easier for me to decide. Why punish someone who’s not mentally there?”
“Do you ever think you made the wrong choice?”
I thought about Lindie at the hospital. How she still lashed out. The last check-in seemed to go fairly well. I’d seen her on Wednesday and not once had she yelled at me. She’d barely even spoken, and when she had, it’d felt like she had looked right through me. But it was a step up still. A small improvement. Before that, she’d barely tolerated me in the room with her. That had to be something, right?
“Not yet,” I finally responded.
He nodded.
A thought came to me, about why this all felt too wrong.
“I’m going to make a quick phone call,” I said, jumping to my feet. “Will you be okay?”
He only nodded.
