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There was an opportunity before me. The handful of friends I had would laugh me right out of the building when I told them this story; chalk it up to some sort of grieving or temporary insanity. Even though I knew all to well how bad things could get if this went south, I didn’t want to talk my way out of Penny. I didn’t want to rationalize it so I could put it in a nice box like the rest of my life.
Caitlyn got tired of waiting for me to make the next move, so she told me to have a good day and started out the door.
“You know how I’m always telling you that I’ll let you know if I need advice?” I shrugged my shoulders. “I think I may need some advice.
Caitlyn pivoted back to me, her movements cautious and deliberate. She scanned my face, and I scanned her right back. The lines that creased her skin told a story of a woman that had to fight for everything she got, but despite her hard exterior, had the gentlest heart.
She gave me a sharp nod as she marched back toward me. She lowered herself back into the seat beside me with a sigh. When she rested a hand on my shoulder, I knew that no matter how large my empire or net worth grew, I’d never be able to repay her friendship.
Still, asking for help was far from my forte and I was suddenly at a loss for words.
“You've already done the hardest part, Xander,” she nudged.
“Admitting that I have a problem?” I joked.
She waited.
My tie suddenly felt like a noose, Penny's eyes locked on me. There was this hesitation that clouded her caramel eyes at lunch and I knew that our arrangement had a lot do with it. How could I tell her that this was real, then write her a check like she was performing some service?
“I don't think I should pay her.” I grimaced, picking up on how awful that sentence sounded. I was used to having my shit together, every word coming out just right, but when it came to Penny Robertson I was reduced to some bumbling fool. “I didn't mean it like that.”
Caitlyn patted my hand supportively. “Of course you didn't. Love makes people do and say incredibly foolish things.”
“I'm not-”
“If you want my advice, stop fighting that word,” she said sternly. In her olive colored suit and steely glare, she reminded me of a drill sergeant barking orders, coming down hardest on the wise ass kid with potential.
A knot formed in my throat. A wise ass that wasn't used to not being in control. But falling in love was the epitome of losing control. Penny’s face was the first thing I saw when I woke up. My days used to be filled with work, and my weekends filled with finding my next conquest. Now, I checked my phone like some pining teenager and would literally drop everything, do anything, just to see her smile. But it was more than the smiles and all the beautiful curves of her face. I wanted to know everything about her. Every triumph, every sadness, every scar, every open wound—because I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to show her that the world was a better place with her in it.
I couldn't catch my breath. My lungs were empty, grabbing at something stable. Something sane. I just kept falling, one heartbeat away from clutching at my throat, even though my tie was completely loose.
I stole a look at Caitlyn and she was geared up to call for medical assistance, her eyes wide with worry.
“Xander, breathe.”
It was easy for her to say. The words I'd kept inside rushed from my lips, each one like teeth being ripped from my mouth. “I remember this feeling. I felt it once before. I put all of my trust, all of me into something and I found out later that it was all a lie.”
I wasn't the type to dwell on the past. It was one of the few admirable traits I inherited from my father, but I opened the door as soon as I started thinking about love. Jenna Wells. I pretended I wasn't bombarded by a sea of her, the blonde hair that she kept in a messy bun but always made sure the rest of her was perfect. The life we used to dream about after we graduated. A life she told me she didn't want anymore.
The tightness in my chest lifted when I raked a hand through my hair and remembered that Jenna walking away ended up being a blessing in disguise. I threw myself into my studies and internships. I took all of my frustration and hurt and channeled it into something positive. But I couldn't think about Jenna and not think about the pain. It took months for me to open up to her and I'd opened up to Penny in a matter of hours.
“You were right,” I said softly. “Love is dangerous.”
“And that's why it's so beautiful. It's a risk, giving your heart to someone else and safeguarding theirs,” Caitlyn said softly. “Sometimes it happens in an instant, and sometimes it takes a while. But it's worth it, Xander. And you deserve to be happy.” She looked at me over the rim of her glasses. “The money works without love. If you're serious about this woman, you know what you've gotta do.”
I steepled my fingers beneath my chin. She was right. I knew what my next move had to be. I didn't want an arrangement. I wanted to do more than say that my feelings were real. I wanted to show her.
Chapter Three: Penny
I only agreed to meet my mother for lunch because she loosened her grip on the reins and let me pick the restaurant. She probably assumed I'd pick some place with 'attire: dressy' on Yelp, a place where we could pretend that we had a hundred dollars to blow on lunch. She was definitely dressed for the occasion. She wore a crisp white blouse with the collar upturned, a cardigan tied around her shoulders, black and gold sateen pants, and red bottom stilettos. Pearls glittered around her ears, neck, and wrists and she was surrounded by a cloud of Chanel no 5. I'd pulled on a plain white tee and my favorite patchwork skirt. It was a gift from one of my students and I loved the way it swished around my ankles, reminding me of lazy days at the beach and road trips. I'd look like some charity case beside her if we strolled up to one of the fancy restaurants she loved to frequent.
I had a different kind of lunch in mind.
We walked through Union Square, my mother chatting brightly, like we hadn't argued the last time we were together. That was how things worked with my mother. We skated right past the uncomfortable stuff to pretending nothing uncomfortable happened at all.
“So where are we headed? There's that delicious steak place inside of Westfield-”
“We're going to Super Burger.”
