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“That’s not entirely true,” Alan said, looking curiously at Chad. “Chad is just being nice about the fact that I showed up unannounced and he has too kind a heart to kick me to the curb.”
“The way you kicked me to the curb?” I asked. “You can leave, Alan. And do not come back to my house again.”
“That’s fair,” he responded. “I’m sorry I came, Cole. I’ll leave right away.”
Chad walked across the room and reached for Alan’s hand, nearly causing me to punch something. I immediately hated seeing my boy holding hands with the man who nearly destroyed me. What kind of spell had Alan cast on the man that had facilitated my recovery, my coming back to life? I had the physical urge to puke.
“You are going nowhere, Alan,” Chad stated, glancing at me for my reaction. “We, well, I want you here, so if you will please excuse Cole and me, we will be right back.”
Chad headed straight for the hallway and once there, turned and waited for me to join him. “We are not done here, Alan,” I hissed.
Chad was already sitting on our bed when I made it upstairs. He sat with his hands folded neatly in his lap and a calm demeanor on his face. His reaction to Alan being here was outrageous as far as I was concerned. How dare he not side with me and demand that our uninvited guest get the fuck out of our home? His level of betrayal both angered me, as well as broke my heart into a million pieces.
“He is leaving, Chad,” I insisted. “I am not going to allow that man in my home after what he did to me.”
“Okay,” he replied. “If that is how you feel.”
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’ll go down and tell him.”
I immediately turned and headed out of the room before Chad raised his voice slightly to catch my attention. I paused and wondered what on earth he was doing.
“Be sure to explain to him how you don’t care that he will be all alone on Christmas,” he said as I turned and slowly made my way back into the bedroom. “And also, please make sure that he knows he hurt you so badly that you cannot open your heart to a man who came here looking for something. Something from you, I might add.”
I was too stunned to react initially. I leaned my forehead against the wall, my back to Chad. My blood pressure had to be redlining based on the pulse beating in my temples. Chad hadn’t been there for those three years that I’d wanted to die. I’d been all alone too, for God’s sake. What about me?
I turned to face Chad, no longer able to hold the rage that had now turned into an emotional avalanche as tears sprang from my eyes. “What about me during the Christmases he was gone? I was alone. Where was he?” I asked, my voice breaking. “He… he… didn’t give a shit that I was alone then.”
“I’m sorry, my love,” Chad said, standing and coming toward me. He wiped my eyes with his hands. “I completely understand that you have a right to hurt, Cole. You suffered horribly because of Alan’s actions,” he agreed.
“Then why?” I sobbed, barely able to speak. “Why would you do this to me?”
He tugged on my hand and moved me toward the bed, patting the place he wanted me to sit. I sat on the edge and he knelt in front of me, holding my hands lovingly.
“Do you recall how you felt being alone?” he asked. “The wondering about what Alan was doing? The abandonment you must have experienced?”
“Of course, I do,” I agreed. “The feeling was… it was… horrible,” I whispered.
“I’m certain it was. Do you think that experience would’ve been a little bit better if someone would’ve come around and wanted to help you, understand you, be there for you?” he asked.
I lifted my face and found Chad weeping as well. He sensed my pain deeply. Of course, he did. That’s what Chad does. I gazed at him and absolutely knew that he was on my side. The compassion and understanding that emanated from him was palpable.
“But… I just don’t know, Chad,” I began. “That’s a huge ask.”
“For me?” he whispered. “But more importantly, for you, my love.”
“I don’t understand,” I confessed. “Alan doesn’t deserve your caring. Why would you ask me to even consider spending a minute with him, let alone our first Christmas with him?”
Chad lifted my chin with his finger. “Because he needs us. He is here today, Cole,” he said. “Let’s be clear here, too. I am not asking you to forget. What I’m asking you to do is to forgive.”
“Oh, that’s all?” I half-joked. “Just forgive and move on like none if it happened? Yeah, that sounds easy.”
Chad smiled, knowing I was a stubborn man, but he would not mock me, I knew that with all my being. “Please allow me to do this despite the struggle you’ll need to endure. I know it’s a big ask, but I believe in my soul that we need to have him here with us. Don’t ask me how I know, but I know.”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Is this what life with you will be like from now on?” I asked.
“I hope it is,” he answered. “I hope we always have space in our hearts for love.” Chad wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. “I was fortunate enough to have found you, Mr. Hicks, and hopefully you finding me is as important to you. We have a responsibility to protect what we share, and that includes sharing our ability to forgive and to love unconditionally. Even when it hurts.”
“That’s who you are, isn’t it, baby boy?” I asked. I pulled back from his embrace and locked eyes with him. “This quality you possess, and your capacity to love, and how you strive to embrace everyone equally, is exactly why I am in love with you the way I am.”
