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His confusing answer did nothing to assuage my fears. “So, he does want you back?” I asked, immediately forgetting that I owed Chad a chance to speak, but I was, as usual, overcome with insecurities. Alan had left me, so naturally, Chad would, too.
“Yes,” he answered. “He does, but I’m not going. I’ve told him that already. What you saw was me saying goodbye.”
“Clint was basically manhandling you, Chad.”
Chad crossed his arms after my accusation. “He was not manhandling me,” he stated emphatically. “I do not get manhandled by men without wanting to be manhandled.”
“Then why the attitude?” I asked. “You looked suspicious.”
“Suspicious?” he questioned. “You think I deserve to be referred to as suspicious?”
“Hey? What’s going on here?” the stranger asked, appearing suddenly out of the tall grass and stepping between Chad and me. “You need to back the fuck up, mister fancy pants.”
Chad yanked who I assumed was Clint back and placed his hand on his chest to calm him. My eyes locked onto that movement immediately. I’d witnessed enough.
“I’ll do better than back off,” I hissed, turning and leaving.
“That’s right, buddy,” Clint yelled after me. “I’ll kick your ass.”
I came out of the grass and off the trail, meeting the softer sand above the shoreline. I wanted to keep walking straight ahead and into the Atlantic so I could drown myself. Nothing went my way, and I was tired of things being that way.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he’d hollered after me.
“Classy,” I muttered. “Real fucking classy.”
I made my way home, trudging up the trail and muttering about how my life sucked. After taking Chad to his parents after his outburst, and thinking he wasn’t over Clint, and then listening to Marla as she convinced me to step up for once and determine what Chad had decided, I was beaten down again.
Why couldn’t I be brave? I could not convince myself that what Chad and I had shared was of any importance to him. I’d let the one time we ran into an issue, turn belief in an ‘us,’ to believing there was no us. I’d thought I’d made progress concerning grieving over Alan and his betrayal but refused to believe that Chad cared for me. Why did I do that to myself?
And, of course, Clint stood up for Chad on the trail. I looked like a weak fool who had jumped to conclusions. Clint was big and powerful, a real man’s man, while I acted accusatory and pathetic.
I threw myself onto a chaise lounge and glared at the horizon, hating my life. “Fuuucccckkkk!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Jesus! Why?” I asked, closing my eyes tightly to block out the sun.
Ten or more minutes passed as I ran a thousand images of my life through my mind. Every single thought was, ‘why couldn’t I believe in myself?’ How much more time would I need to heal and move forward?
I needed to trust something, someone, but couldn’t see past what had happened the last time I’d committed. That was three years ago and still, I struggled to find safety in trusting my heart to anyone. I wanted to. I needed to.
“Feel better now?” a voice I recognized asked.
“Do I look like I feel better, Jack? And where the fuck have you been?” I muttered, not caring to check my surroundings anymore for a voice I knew was in my head.
I wasn’t surprised I was talking to myself lately. Why not? Everything else felt like I was steps from the looney bin. I swore I could see Jack as if he were standing right there on the patio, even if my eyes were closed tightly.
“He is not Alan,” Jack thought, or said, or whatever the fuck he did to meddle. “Stop lumping everyone into the Alan category.”
“I’m not,” I whispered. “I’m not. And who are you, really?”
“Who do you think I am?”
“I think you’re a pain in my ass, is who I think you are.”
Was I speaking out loud? Had I finally lost my mind? Maybe my pretend conversations with Jack were really me talking myself through things and using Jack’s entity as my sounding board. Either way, didn’t seem helpful or of sound mind.
“Good. Then you know who I am.”
“Go bug Chad and leave me alone.”
“I’m done with Chad. He’s more than able to make his own decisions nowadays. You, however, are a different issue entirely.”
