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The relief and gratitude in his eyes told me I had made the right choice. It was worth the wait if it made him this happy. Besides, my soul felt a little less stained.
It took two days to get Courtney to see me. I had decided against calling her right away that evening, going in for a long night of semi-lucid dreaming instead. I’d done great and wondrous things with Sebastian in my mind that night while he slept quietly in his bed ten feet away from me. His steady breathing became the passionate panting in my head, and whenever he tossed or turned, I saw his flesh revealed before my imagination’s eyes.
The following two days were a blend of torture. There was longing and desire that kept meeting the cold wave of reality. If we would try this crazy thing, we wouldn’t drag the burdens of the past into it.
I drummed my fingers against the wooden surface of the table in the café halfway between Northwood and Courtney’s place. The warm atmosphere was helped by the many little lamps scattered in the windows, books stacked on the windowsills, houseplants spreading their vines along the walls, and the smart choices of red brick and wood in the interior design.
My chest was tightening with every passing minute. I wanted to see Sebastian tonight and tell him this was over. I wanted to tell him I had done the right thing. And then…I shut those things out of my mind. I hadn’t earned them yet. First, I had to come clean, then I could daydream about Sebastian however much I liked.
Now that the door was slightly open to all those possibilities, I couldn’t understand why we hadn’t thought of this before. But the truth was, I had never even considered being interested in another guy. Besides, there were his parents to think of. I’d witnessed their homophobic remarks too many times.
Dread rose up my spine before I could contain it. We hadn’t thought of that. We hadn’t talked about it.
I needed to see him and Courtney was…behind me. She cleared her throat and I stiffened before I jumped. “I’m surprised you came,” she said coolly. “Or called.”
She passed around the table and dragged a chair out slowly so it scraped against the floor before plopping down into it. Aside from the unmistakable disregard for me, she was an attractive girl. Brown-haired, skin darker than mine, not too thin and bony for my taste, and with a piercing look that simply held my gaze like a magnet.
I folded my hands on the table as a shiver passed through me. “I figured we’d have to talk,” I said.
She studied me for a moment. I ran through my thoughts. I would begin by addressing the obvious problems we’d had for a while, take the blame for my coldness in the recent period, and admit to her that I had growing feelings for someone else. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it was Sebastian. I wouldn’t out him before we knew there was anything to out. Just as the silence urged me to start speaking, her words cut me off.
“It’s a good thing you called,” she said, nodding firmly. The waiter arrived and took our orders. We sat in silence again, words welling in me despite the lack of courage. I was getting ready to tell her. I had to. I had to admit there was someone else.
Courtney asked me how things have been these days. I started talking about Sebastian slowly recovering from the shock and the betrayal, but the waiter stopped me when he brought our coffees. It seemed to work in Courtney’s favor. She took a long sip of her frothy latte, licked her lips, and looked into my eyes. She didn’t ask me to continue talking about Sebastian.
“I’ll be honest, Tyler, I was wondering if there was any point to even bother trying to patch things up,” she said. I couldn’t read her tone exactly. “Had you not asked to see me, I think I would have moved on soon. But…” She hesitated, and I realized that this, to her, was a making-up date.
My heart sank. I felt horrible in an instant. I’d hoped to break it to her without disappointing her, but she was getting ready to give us another chance.
My chest was so tight that I had an urge to grab it with a hand and still my heart. I opened my mouth to speak, but Courtney waved me shortly to silence. “I think, if you’re serious about this, that it’s good we’re here, talking, face to face.”
My heart lurched. I was such a goddamn coward.
“You have so much potential,” she said. “I know there’s more to you than just hockey and that weird brotherhood you think is sacred. But it’s just a team, Ty. It’s not a real fraternity and you’re better than that musketeer bullshit.”
My brow wrinkled before I could start looking for words.
“Here’s the thing,” she said matter-of-factly. She spoke like all of it was a given and I just needed to nod along. “I’m willing to work on it. I really am. But things have to change, Ty. I can’t keep sharing you with those guys. And I can’t keep sharing you with Sebastian. I know you think it’s important, but it’s just a break-up. He doesn’t really need you. So, if you want us to be together, he’ll have to go.” She paused, waiting for a response. When she didn’t get any, she leaned a little closer. “Who’s it going to be, Ty?”
“Oh, Court,” I sighed. “That’s a horrible position to be in.”
She cocked her head almost sympathetically. “I wouldn’t put you in that position if it wasn’t important.”
I blinked once, confused, then frowned as I shook my head. “No, I meant your position.” Her eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch. “You can’t really believe it’s a good idea to make me choose between you and him. I mean, it’s not a nice place to be, Courtney.” My temper was rising, but something else was there too. Relief? I felt liberated. It was like tight ropes loosening and my muscles remembering what it was like to be free. I took a deep breath. “I choose him.” The surprise on her face was horrible. It made me sad to do it like this. And dirty. Like I was getting away with a crime. “I’ll always choose him over anyone else, Courtney. Sebastian is the nicest guy ever and he’s my best friend. There’s no negotiating his place in my life. It’s everyone else who needs to fit in.” The idea that I would have to cut him out for anyone made me terrified. I couldn’t imagine a life without him, no matter what his role in it was.
Her eyes grew wide with shock. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “I’m dead serious. Nobody gets between Sebastian and me. Not friends, not relationships, not even family.”
Anger tightened her lips. Her nostrils flared and she trembled with rage. “Are you two fucking?”
“No.” A distant, vague sense of longing passed through my chest. We’d flirted with the idea. We’d even kissed so passionately that fucking seemed like the only way to go, but we hadn’t actually talked about it. And we definitely hadn’t talked in length about the fact that we were two guys who had never been into men before. It was a huge leap and I wasn’t even close to unpacking these thoughts. What I told her was true even if I lied by omission.
“Fine. It doesn’t matter,” she said, softer. “I see that you’re a lost cause, Tyler. I tried to be someone to you. Someone to help you grow out of that frat bro phase. But you’re hopeless, Tyler. And I’m done putting work into this relationship.”
She pushed her chair back, the loud scraping filled the room and made a few people turn their heads in our direction.
“Wait,” I said.
