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“There he is,” Tyler said. “The missing boyfriend.”
Even though I knew we were alone here, my gaze darted around to check again. “Trust me, it’s better I was missing.”
Tyler walked over to my bench. He didn’t lean in to kiss me or even hug me. He was extra careful for my sake. And that was just another proof that I was weighing him down. “That bad?” he asked, sitting down a foot away from me.
“Um, nah,” I said. “It’s all the usual.” I’d done it again. I was always doing it. It was like an instinct. If I felt bad, all I had to do was tell Tyler and he would pick up the task of making things right for me. Dad made me sad? Tyler built a pillow fort for me. I got cheated on? Tyler swept in to be the best partner I never dared to hope for.
Silence settled between us. The cheerful greeting faded and what remained was the mutual knowledge that I had been distant. It’s for your own good, I thought, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that. It was too big and too final to say it immediately.
So I sat with him, pushing my left leg closer to his right, letting our knees touch.
“I miss you,” Tyler said.
My throat closed. “How’s your dad?” I whispered.
Tyler stumbled for one second, then cleared his throat and moved on as if I hadn’t just ignored his attempt at intimacy. “Good. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think the new therapist is really helping. He’s not restless, but he’s not drugged into being a houseplant, either. There’s still passion in him.” Tyler talked about the miniatures his dad was building with an air of awe that I envied. There was little I could say about my family with that tone. Except for Eryn, who was gearing up to make her life her own without compromise and without an apology.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I said honestly. “He deserves to be happy.”
“Well,” Tyler said, hesitating. “Happy might be too strong of a word, but he’s not unhappy. There’s still a long way to go, I think.”
Again, silence returned.
I didn’t dare look into his eyes. Since the moment he had first kissed me, the way he looked at me was different. He couldn’t control it. It was a look brimming with devotion and loyalty. And I hoped I had given him such looks, too. I hoped I’d made him happy for a while. I hoped it wasn’t all self-serving happiness that I had needed to feel.
“Sebastian,” Tyler said, his tone a little more urgent. It was like he was holding something deep down but it was breaking free despite his effort. Fear.
“Hm?” I frowned, looking at the space between us. The paint was starting to peel from the wood. This bench was old. I wondered if our carved names were still on the underside or if the wood had been replaced. As if by instinct, my hand hooked under the bench, and I ran my fingers over the rough surface.
I couldn’t tell, of course. Not without looking.
Leaning in, Tyler dropped his voice by an octave and spoke seriously. “Whatever’s going on there, you know you can tell me.”
It felt like his words had fingers and those fingers squeezed my heart. I wanted to moan and sob and do just that. “Nothing’s going on.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Tyler said, then fell silent after his words sounded angrier than he’d apparently intended. I looked up and saw him looking away from me, biting his lower lip.
I swallowed. “We’re just talking a lot about this and that.”
“Uh-huh,” Tyler said. He refused to look at me. “And all that talking isn’t giving you some new ideas, is it?”
I turned away from him. Why did he have to know everything in such detail? Why did he have to be so goddamn aware all the time? It was infuriating how much he tempted me to share my troubles and cling to him. I could do it. I could hold him close and keep him from ever finding true happiness. I could trick him into staying with me, missing out on all the good things, and being my rock, my support system, my everything.
Was I that selfish?
I couldn’t be. Not with the guy who’d already given so much of himself for my good. I only had one way to solve this mess.
Carefully, I thought about my words and I swallowed. Rip it off quickly, I told myself. “I don’t think we should be together.”
I could hear his teeth grinding. He needed a moment before he spoke in a sour and bitter voice. “Why? Why now?”
I knew what he was asking. “It’s got nothing to do with them. They don’t know, Tyler.” My guts twisted and felt as cold as steel. “I just don’t think it’s the right thing for us.” For you. I wasn’t lying, either. Not yet. But I wouldn’t shy away from falling that low if he pushed me. Right now, I was less of a coward than ever before and I just had to push through this one heartbeat at a time.
“Bullshit,” Tyler snapped. “You’re hiding something. I know when you’re not being open with me.”
I spun my head to face him. “Think about it. We’ve been dating girls for years. And then, suddenly, we just — what? — discovered we could do that in-house?” My heart sank. “It’s not good, Tyler. We’re like…brothers.” I wanted to scream. “I think we fooled ourselves because our relationships weren’t going well. That was all.”
Tyler’s eyes were ablaze. “Do you seriously expect me to think this has nothing to do with your dad’s homophobia?” He shook his head furiously. “Where’s this coming from? Truly?”
