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But two days ago, I had shut that door in a way I doubted I could open again.
My legs carried me in the direction of his house, but doubts welled in me more with every step.
When I was near the corner, I had to decide whether to go forward and sleep on some bench or turn left and take a chance. Would he slam the door in my face? I couldn’t blame him if he did. I had told him everything had been a lie. I had told him I no longer wanted him.
Fool, I snapped at myself.
Even trying to put myself in his shoes broke my heart. I’d done the unthinkable. Unforgivable. Unforgettable.
Or is this my dad talking? I wondered.
I needed to see him and ask him to forgive me. That was what I needed to do. And if I waited to see him at Northwood, it would only make things worse. But I wasn’t going to hope for more than that. How could he love me after I’d pushed him away so cruelly?
After taking a deep breath, I made my decision. I would go to Tyler’s place. I would ask him to forgive me. I would explain everything and he would understand. Who else, if not Tyler? And then, I would lift my head high and accept whatever he gave me. If he hated me, it was my own doing. If he sent me away, I wouldn’t protest. The least I could do was tell him the full truth and accept the consequences.
For once, I wasn’t going to be a coward.
I forced my left leg to move first. As I made three paces forward, a hurried figure stepped from the shadows into the pool of light from a street lamp. As I stepped into the same wide circle, we both paused.
“What are you doing here?” Tyler asked. He was out of breath. He looked at my duffel. “What happened?”
I opened my mouth, stunned, and only managed to reproduce his words. “What are you doing here?”
He clenched his jaws and looked into my eyes. He stood a little straighter. “I’m coming to get you.”
Stunned silence tied my tongue. “Wh-what?”
Tyler put on his bravest face. “I’ve been thinking about you for days,” he said, his voice thick with some emotion I couldn’t name. It wasn’t anger. “About what you said. And I refuse to believe you.”
“I lied,” I managed to stammer out.
Tyler’s expression crumbled for a moment, hurt showing briefly before he smoothed his face out. “You said that already. I don’t believe you. There’s something else and I’m not letting you off the hook until you tell me.” He frowned again at my duffel. “Are you going somewhere?”
He wasn’t moving to close the distance between us. Of course. It was up to me to close the distance if I could. To build a bridge rather than burn it. “Tyler, I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t…” I shook my head.
“Something happened,” he stated, eyes narrow.
A shudder passed through me. As I exhaled, Tyler made one small step toward me. I shook my head again, trying to sort through my thoughts. When I looked into his eyes, everything seemed simpler. “I was such an idiot,” I said. “Look, I don’t expect you to listen to me. You don’t have a reason to believe a word I say, but I swear, I thought I was doing the right thing.” As desperation welled inside of me, I dropped my duffel, my fists balling. “I wanted to push you away because I’m nothing without you, Ty. A lifetime of hearing how I’m falling short of all the great things my brothers achieved messed with my head. And seeing them now, hearing all the bullshit coming from their mouths…I believed them. And they’re right about one thing. I failed. I failed so fucking much. College, hockey, relationships. I failed you, Tyler. I thought you’d be better off without me.”
Tyler licked his lips and cocked his head to one side. “I figured it was something like that.” He shook his head in disappointment.
I couldn’t bear disappointing him and yet that was exactly what I’d done. “It’s the truth,” I whispered, then found my voice. “They took away the last shred of confidence I had, but it’s not all their fault. It’s mine. I feel like…like I don’t deserve you. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have even gotten this far. You should probably just forget about me.”
Tyler rolled his eyes. It hurt like hell, but I deserved it. It was the least I deserved.
I nodded. “I understand if you don’t want to see me. I’ll, uh…” What would I do? Find a room near campus and hope washing dishes in some kitchen would cover the cost? I really was lost.
“I was coming to rescue you, Sebastian,” Tyler said. He dropped that piece of information like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He might have been saying the sky was blue. “I knew there was more to it than what you were telling me. You always do that. All the time.” A note of despair was in his voice and I was completely alert. “When are you going to start believing the things I tell you? Because when I say you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, I fucking mean it. I’m not just flattering you. Why would I ever give you empty compliments?”
“But…” I wanted to give him all the evidence of my fuck-ups. I wanted to present to him, clearly, all the ways I’d failed him.
“No buts, Sebastian. You need to break free of them.”
I didn’t know how, but we were standing only a couple of feet apart now. “I think I did that,” I said. “I…came out.”
A pained expression showed on his face.
“Yeah, it went as well as you’d expect. But I’m out. Out of the closet and out of that house.” I shrugged. “And I was coming to see you. Now. I wanted to tell you that. And to ask you to forgive me.”
