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“Mmm… okay…” She runs the tip of her tongue over her overly glossed lips. “Let’s talk about your sex life.”
“Or lack thereof.” I snort.
“Yeah—we’re going to fix that real soon.” She gives me a saucy wink. “You are in serious need of some Vitamin D.”
“Vitamin D?” I know what she’s alluding to. Gross. I tip the glass in the air, finishing my drink. “I love you, Ava, but sometimes you can be a bit too direct.”
“Hmm… I don’t know that I’ve heard that about myself before.” She laughs. “But seriously—please come do an Upside-Down Pineapple Cake shot with us and stop thinking about that loser. It’s delicious.”
“Was he?” I ask. I think of Patrick, his cute secondhand flannel shirts, his quick wit. “A loser?”
Ava rolls her eyes to the heavens. “God, yes! He made you completely transform yourself into something you’re not. Just to please him. Then, after you twisted yourself up like a pretzel, he told you even that wasn’t good enough. And slept with a badly dressed coworker… In your bed!”
For the first time in months, dredging up the image of those two having sex doesn’t make my stomach turn. Remembering the buck-naked deer-in-the-headlights look on Patrick’s face, I actually…
Laugh.
“True. All true.” I shake my head, the giggles now erupting with relief. “Oh gosh, Ava. You should have seen him! Buck naked in bed with her, and guess what he said to me?”
Her eyes shine with the promise of juicy gossip now that I’m finally sharing the story. “What?”
I take a deep breath, relieved to be sharing the words out loud to someone else. “‘It’s not what you think.’”
She stares back at me, equal parts anger and disbelief. “You’re joking.”
“No, I’m not.” I shake my head.
It feels so good to finally talk to someone other than myself about that horrible moment.
“It’s what’s always bothered me the most about the whole thing,” I continue. “Those words. Like I’m stupid enough to believe that I’m not seeing what I’m seeing. Or like, he thought he had manipulated me so much, changed me so much, that he could make me believe he’s not cheating on me when I’m standing there, literally staring at the two of them naked. Like, you have your you-know-what—”
Ava nods eagerly, helpfully interjecting, “Vitamin D.”
“Yes.” I laugh. “You have your Vitamin D stuck inside her patchouli scented…”
“Pussy,” Ava offers.
“Exactly. You have your… your flannel-covered ‘D’ stuck in her patchouli pussy, and you’re going to tell me it’s NOT what I THINK it is? Like, what else could it be?” A bark of laughter escapes me then I sigh, placing my empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter.
“Patrick is the Vitamin D,” Ava says. “You should stop thinking about him and start thinking about the next chapter of your life.”
Another server appears with a full tray of champagne. Ava grabs two flutes, handing me one. I gratefully accept. “Like what?”
She blows air upward, fluffing her newly cut blunt bangs from her forehead. “What’s the future going to look like? Who is going to be in it? What do you want to get out of life?”
How do I reply?
Ava’s already dumped her last boyfriend and moved on to girls since my breakup, and I’m still hung up on my ex.
I take a sip of the fresh drink, thinking about how to reply.
Finally, I say, “You are unapologetically yourself and I love that about you. I guess I’m just weak?”
“You stop that right now! You are one of the strongest women I know.” She slips her arm in mine, dragging me over to where our colorfully dressed coworkers now crowd the bar. “Come on. We’ve got to get you a real drink!”
I let her tug me across the room. “I’m not strong.”
“Yes, you are,” she says, stopping me to look me in the eye. “Everything you went through growing up? All that stuff with your mom? That was seriously effed up. You could have let that stuff destroy you, but you didn’t.”
