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I decide to think about something else, anything else. I guess I can make it down for breakfast with Seb if he didn't stay at The Mill last night. The reminder of The Mill leads my thoughts to another person who I’d do better not to even entertain in my thoughts. I can't think about him, or I'll never drag myself out of this bed.
I throw back the covers and sit up, stretching my arms above my head and groaning as I try to work out the stiffness in my back. That’s what you get for lying in bed for a million days. I shove off the bed and cross the room, walking into the closet. The lights turn on as soon as I step over the threshold, and I run my fingers over the numerous articles of clothing. Something in here has to cost less than my old car.
Money or not, I'm not eating breakfast in thousand-dollar sweatpants.
When I find a pair of joggers and a hoodie that still seems suspiciously expensive, I throw them on. After a quick stop in the bathroom for deodorant, I catch my reflection in the mirror. Dark bags are under my eyes, and my once vibrant green eyes look duller now. I’m still me, but something is missing.
I look away from my reflection and pull my long blond hair up into a messy topknot. My fingers graze the tender flesh at the back of my head, and a memory flashes through my mind.
"It’s time for you to leave. You can take the trash out yourself, or I can take you out. You are nothing to me and never were. Nothing more than a warm little hole to sink into every once in a while. Now get up and get the fuck out and let us men do our talking.”
The hole in my chest throbs, pulsing, blood pouring from the place where he ripped my heart out. A physical scar will always remind me of what happened that day, but eventually, that will fade. What will not fade are the memories that Drew left me with. The rage in his eyes, the venom in his words. The pure, unfiltered hate. True or not, the pain he caused me that night will forever linger. I blink back the tears burning at the back of my eyes.
Do not cry for him. He does not deserve your tears.
I take a couple of calming breaths to compose myself. Then I leave the bathroom and walk through my bedroom, heading downstairs. Perhaps I can convince myself that Drew was never a part of my life. Ha. I wish. It would be possible if he would leave me alone, but he’s like an infestation of fleas. And there’s no damn exterminator that could take out Drew Marshall.
On my way downstairs, I take in the sights and sounds of the mansion. Staff bustle around the place like it's a hotel instead of a home. It’s amazing to me that it takes all these people to take care of this place. Then again, I’m not surprised due to the size of it. It’s just a gross display of wealth to hide the rotten truth beneath the surface. Or maybe that’s the grief talking.
By the time I make it to the dining room, I’ve already considered going back to my room ten times. This place is too big, too over the top. It’s not home even though it’s more than my mother and I ever had. It still doesn’t compare, though.
Stepping into the formal space I've only seen a couple of times since moving in, I drag my eyes to the long table meant for twenty chairs. The soft rug under my bare feet runs the length of the room, from the door to the far wall, with a floor-to-ceiling window that looks out upon the estate.
Seb sits in the first chair on the right side of the table, holding a dainty tea cup. I want to smile at the ridiculously tiny cup, but I don’t have the energy.
After a second, he spots me, stands, and pulls out the chair at the head of the table, with its back to the window. It wouldn’t be my first choice for seating, but I don't have the energy to argue, so I mutter a thanks and sit.
My ass has barely hit the seat when one of the staff bustles out of a side door with a tray of food and a carafe of coffee with all the fixings.
The contents are distributed around my place setting, and once the maid leaves, I stare down at the sheer mass of food that is about to go to waste. There's no way in hell I'm going to eat all of this. My stomach feels weird just looking at it.
As if Sebastian can read my mind, he speaks, "Just eat what you want and leave the rest." It seems like such a ridiculous waste, but I don’t bother arguing with him. I pick up a croissant and nibble on it.
"It's good to see you out of your room," he adds casually as he sips his coffee out of that stupid cup.
His tone is too unconcerned, like if he points out that I've left my room, I might make a mad dash back there.
"I'm sick of wallowing." My voice catches. "Don't get me wrong. I still miss my mother more than anything, but I can't lie in that bed any longer. Lying around and doing nothing makes me sick. I need to find my way back to who I am."
I sigh and grab a fork, spearing a piece of egg. I've lost way too much weight in the past month, weight I couldn't afford to lose in the first place. I eye the runny yolk and force myself to take a bite.
"I agree, and I think you should consider going back to school. You can re-enroll at any time. All I need to do is make a phone call to the administration building. I had them hold your spot, and you won’t be penalized either.” Of course I won’t be. I withhold an eye roll. Money can buy you anything. Power. Corruption. I never asked for any of this, and maybe that’s why my mother hid the truth from me. Why didn't she tell me about my brother or family? Maybe it’s because she left them all.
I consider everything while chewing the eggs slowly. They don’t taste half bad.
It's still disconcerting to me that Sebastian’s being so nice after everything that happened between him and me, between Drew and me. He’s Drew’s best friend, so he should take his side, but if anything, Sebastian appears to be against him now, and I don’t know if I can or should trust that.
He might be my only relation left, but I don't expect him to take care of me like a child. In fact, I’m very against it. I’m not going to be anybody’s problem.
"I'll figure it out. I mean..." I let out a long sigh. "I’m undecided. The idea of going back to Oakmount terrifies me. It brings back all kinds of memories that I don’t want to relive. Plus, I don't even have my laptop or my books.”
Maybe I could enroll in online classes instead? No. As antisocial as I like to tell myself I am, I'd miss the library too much. Hell, I already miss it. The smell of the books, the quietness. I haven't been back to campus or my dorm room since my mom died, and the thought of going back makes the eggs in my belly churn roughly.
"None of that is a big deal. We can get you new books, and you already have a new laptop. Those are easy fixes.” He gives me a boyish smile that might have warmed my heart previously, but now just annoys me.
I hate myself for hating Sebastian.
He keeps throwing around how easy it is to drop thousands of dollars like it's nothing. I might have money now, not that I've really spent anything, but that doesn't mean I can switch my brain to his rich boy way of thinking automatically. I refuse to let the concept of money change my thinking. I’m still Maybel. The quiet, shy bookworm. I’m still the girl my mom loved.
