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Colin surprised her by taking her on a five-day honeymoon to Belize and then to Italy. The two destinations wildly different, but each serving a purpose.
They lounged lazily in Belize, the tempo there much slower, allowing them to relax without any pressure. They went snorkeling and he was even able to convince her to go parasailing. Italy saw them going to multiple museums. She refused any attempt to shop, only relenting to get them matching beaded bracelets that only cost twenty-five dollars each at a stand off the street. It was his most cherished possession aside from his wedding band.
She was thankful that she blushed frequently, because it helped hide the tears from her crying in secret.
Olivia didn’t know how to explain why her face was always pink. She looked forward to school, knowing that it would help distract her from this sudden bleakness she found that gaped like a black void inside her heart, right where her box of hurts was.
Too soon school started, she began to throw herself wholeheartedly into her studies, subsequently ending their little bubble of relaxation.
Colin felt that nagging feeling come back. They still had a couple of issues that they were both avoiding. They needed to figure out what to do with Allison, and he needed to tell her about the accident. He had a fresh outlook on the fear she felt at revealing how she’d made her extra money, feeling the same fear at telling her about the day that ended in him killing five individuals twenty-three years ago.
Olivia was currently sitting at the kitchen island, books spread out in front of her, and trying to type up something for a class while he was scooping chocolate chip cookie dough onto a baking sheet.
“Are you almost done, love?” he said, throwing her a glance as he placed the cookies in the oven and turned to lean against the counter, a fresh whiskey in his hand. He took off his glasses and placed them on the counter, finding he had to use them slightly more since the constant computer use was causing eye strain.
“Yes, I’m just finishing up a submission for my Architectural, Culture, and Society class,” she said, before she finished typing and closing her laptop on a heaving sigh, rolling her head back on her shoulders and moaning. She was having a hard time getting used to the long hours on the computer typing. So, he often sat near her when she had to do these assignments, working quietly on his own computer, catching up on the news or conducting his own business for his company.
She was in a way grateful for the distraction. Due to the complex nature of her studies, she was able to focus on that and not cry so much. Repressing those emotions was the one familiar thing she could latch onto.
Tonight, Colin was baking them cookies to celebrate the end of the week on Friday night. It was a rather brutal one for her with lots of assignments and she’d appreciated his support. Olivia put her elbows onto the island and let her face fall into her hands, just needing a minute. He walked around the island quietly and pulled her to him, resting her head on his chest.
“Colin, do you really think I can do this?” Olivia whispered softly, pulling back and gazing into his eyes, her own filled with tears. “Maybe I bit off more than I could chew?”
“Olivia, you’ve got this. Academia is just that necessary evil that we all must get through,” he smiled kindly at her. “I know it’s harder because you were out for a few years and now you’re back into it when it’s the toughest, but you did yourself a favor starting your studies months early,” Colin reached forward to push her hair behind her ear and run his knuckles across her cheeks.
“Come on, stop thinking about it and give yourself a break this weekend. You’ve been eating, sleeping, and drinking nothing but school for the last three weeks,” he leaned down and gave her a chaste kiss, turning to make her favorite drink. He didn’t let her drink when she was doing school work and she respected that decision.
A slow smile spread across her face, and he saw her gears switch rapidly.
“Can we talk about wedding planning?” Olivia asked excitedly, turning her wedding ring on her finger, it had arrived a couple of days before school started and it was a stunner. So much so he’d bought her an additional wedding ring for her to wear while she was out at school, as she didn’t feel comfortable wearing such a magnificent jewelry piece when she went out by herself.
“Sure,” he chuckled, hearing the phone chime softly that his cookies were done.
“Why don’t you ever use the timer on the oven?” she abruptly asked, making him stiffen slightly as he opened the oven, waving the surge of heat from his face. He hadn’t expected her to ask that question. He gave her the truth.
“I can’t handle certain noises like alarms, sirens, emergency lights,” he said gruffly, taking a spatula and beginning to lift the cookies off of the sheet and placing them onto a platter.
Olivia scrunched her eyebrows, taking a sip of her drink, her brain quickly contemplating and reviewing the last few months. She hadn’t had an alarm set since she’d been with him, not having a need for one. He always rose before her and woke her up if she needed to get up for anything. She’d realized how calming that was, but never thought to ask why.
“So, is that why you were so…out of sorts…the day I got lost? I’d noticed something was off, but I just wasn’t sure. I wasn’t comfortable asking,” her eyes met his briefly. “I guess we were both so out of sorts that night,” she trailed off, blushing as she remembered the night he’d taken her for the first time.
“Yes,” his eyes hid a small smile as he brushed over her face with an intense look, turning and placing the cookie sheet into the sink. He grabbed them a plate and loaded up on cookies, taking her hand and leading her down to the basement media room.
“So, what’s the reason why?” she’d asked, pressing gently.
He’d already disclosed he took anxiety medication and saw a therapist every Monday, but she still didn’t know the reason why. Whatever the reasoning was, she knew it ran slightly deeper than the fear she’d harbored over her own secret. The violence of his rare nightmares attested to that. However, she felt a smidgen of resentment that she’d laid all her secrets bare for him to still carry his own.
It didn’t seem right or fair to her, but trauma often didn’t make sense.
She curled herself up against him on the big sofa, having another moment of feeling small next to him. Sometimes their age gap was glaring, especially on nights like this when she was tired and vulnerable from being mentally pushed all day. In a nightgown that she knew he loved, his demeanor next to her was blaringly male.
He placed his arm around her shoulder, his t-shirt pulling tight across his muscles, he was relaxed in gray sweatpants and bare feet.
Olivia was anxiously biting the skin on her finger. Colin leaned down, placed his own teeth around it, tugged it out of her mouth and kissed her. He reached over to haul her leg over his to settle against his thigh. She slowly caressed his five-o clock shadow and stayed patient as he pulled up her leg the way he wanted it. Her shapely calf looked so little on top of his thighs.
“That’s something I think I’d prefer for you to go to my therapist with me to talk about,” Colin confessed, handing her a cookie.
“Babe…I don’t need to go to a therapist with you for you to tell me what’s bothering you,” she whispered, not understanding the magnitude of the situation. And Colin told her so, which made her feel irritated and rejected. Trying to pull her leg back, she stiffened as he placed his hand on her knee, curling his fingers around and gripping her tight to keep her from moving. His eyes flashed warningly at her.
