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His sadism was only limited to their sexual relationship. Which was apparently very tame at the moment compared to how it could be. When the doctor brought that up, Colin spoke about how he was aware that though they got married very quickly, he wasn’t rushing or pushing the dominant submissive lifestyle they were leading; preferring to sit back and observe what Olivia really responded to and what he felt she could tolerate in their early stages of marriage.
He stated that due to her fragile emotions lately he didn’t want to inadvertently do something to damage her mental health if she wasn’t yet strong enough to tolerate such a dramatic shift in their dynamic.
This information shocked her, at how much he’d been holding back due to her. And she felt comforted and considered.
Olivia appreciated that and expressed so when the doctor asked her.
“Yes,” Olivia said, licking her lips and shifting in her seat uncomfortably. “I had only ever been with one person, one time before I met Colin. And I found that I was utilizing other means to satisfy that need inside of me, unconsciously. I worked hard because I needed money, but now looking back, I relished the pain I put my body through. Not knowing what I really needed. I still find myself sometimes, when Colin and I aren’t… aren’t...” she trailed off. Not knowing exactly how to say it.
She pointedly kept her eyes from straying over to her husband.
“This is a safe space, Olivia,” Dr. Tyson said, smiling at her gently. She took a deep breath.
“When we aren’t intimate the way I need it…I feel almost like a ticking time bomb when I don’t get…my needs taken care of. It makes everything else worse. So much worse,” she whispered, knowing her face was bright red. She pulled her hand from Colin’s and gripped them together harshly.
“I’m struggling in my studies right now, I’m back in my architectural program and I’m starting back in the hardest classes after having over four years off and I’m struggling,” she paused, her eyes briefly flickering up to find the therapists kind ones. “I’m struggling with feeling like a failure. I just found out today I basically failed a test. I feel like I’m disappointing Colin, my sister, and Allison. I’ve pulled away from her to protect myself,” she sniffled and whispered her thanks as Colin handed her a couple of Kleenexes. She wiped her nose and crumpled the tissue in her hand. “And I also feel bad because Colin’s opened up a whole world to me and I just want to be worthy of it. So, I can’t fail. I never fail! But I just don’t know what to do. All I’ve ever known since I was fourteen years old is to shut off my emotions and work. Succeed at my efforts,” she sighed.
“You don’t feel worthy?” Dr. Tyson inquired, settling back a little and putting his kind eyes on hers. She shook her head.
“I was killing myself to make fifteen grand a month. For my niece and my sister,” she left out that the niece was actually her daughter. “She has a medical condition. But anyways, life has been so hard, and all I knew how to do was work. Then Colin appeared out of nowhere, literally in a storm and wouldn’t leave me alone for a month trying to get me on a date. I didn’t know he was so well off. With the simple swipe of a card he can buy ANYTHING he wants, things that would take me a lifetime to work for. It just seems so….so….” she paused.
“Go on.” Dr. Tyson said, his ballpoint pen poised over his paper.
“Surreal. Like why did I, of all people, hit the lottery like this?” she whispered. “My parents are dead, my d-niece, dropping out of school to take care of my sick grandpa, barely able to make ends meet. Colin didn’t know this but… I hadn’t eaten in two days when he took me out on our first date. He took me to a restaurant and spent two grand on a meal when all I needed was a three dollar cheeseburger to fill me up,” she refused to meet his gaze when Colin turned his attention rather noticeably towards her.
“So, you’ve been surviving with a scarcity mindset, and the drive of a hustler, and then you up and marry a man- a self-professed sadist at that- within months, who gets off on the power of making money. And having a ton of it at that…and you’re surprised why your mind can’t settle? Why you’re so emotional?” Dr. Tyson said softly, not even scribbling in his notepad. She scrunched her nose.
“Olivia, I love you,” Colin said softly. “Even if I was financially broke, I would still love you. My money, yes, is a bonus and I want you to enjoy it. How I built my company is a product of the trauma I have to live with for the rest of my life. I love that someone who actually needs it, who damn sure deserves it, can use it. And won’t take advantage of it? You are a blessing to me. You’re a gift baby,” Colin reached out and grasped her hand once more, giving her a firm squeeze.
She tentatively met his gaze and bit her lip as she tried to decipher the look on his face.
“So, Olivia, you haven’t asked Colin to give you what you need, and Colin, you’re too afraid to take her there? Why?” the doctor said, shifting in his seat and scribbling on his notepad.
“Tyson, you know me. You know how I am. I’m scared to take her there. I’m scared of running her off. Maybe it’s too soon? We’re too fragile right now?” Colin whispered, his hand tightening on hers.
“Why do you think I’m going to run away Colin?” she whispered, turning more towards him and searching his eyes. He met her look with a sad one of his own. He took his free hand and racked it through his hair in a small gesture of insecurity that she was not familiar with coming from him.
“Because, when you find out what happened when I was a teenager, and then you find out just how real it can get for us in the bedroom… I’m scared it’s going to be too much and you’re going to leave me. That’s why I had that clause drawn up in our prenup. It really was the only stipulation,” he said softly, his hand leaving hers once more and scrubbing down his face.
Her eyes narrowed. “I hit him, shortly before we got here, I lost it and hit him,” she said, turning to Dr. Tyson.
“And why did you do that?” Dr. Tyson asked, scribbling now.
“I think it’s because…. unconsciously…I want that reaction out of him, I need him to give me what I need. I want him to ground me. I won’t leave you Colin. Not because of this,” she whispered, opening and desperate for him to see.
Inside her mind, she was holding the lid off her box of hurts and gesturing for him to go inside and explore.
“Colin, she’s telling you that she’s ready. Do you hear it?” Dr. Tyson said his attention focused now on Colin.
Colin gave them both a short nod.
“Not until I tell her what happened, Doctor,” he said, leaning forward and scrubbing his hand once again down his jaw.
Dr. Tyson nodded. “That’s fair,” he said, closing his notebook. Olivia felt herself deflate slightly, the leather of the couch feeling hot against her body.
“Ok, we’re at the end of session, and we can discuss more next time when we can give the topic adequate holding space. For homework I want you each to write down what it is you want the other to know. We will then read it outloud at the beginning of our next session next week,” the doctor stood up and shook both of their hands and led them to the elevator.
The drive home was harder than the drive there, if that was even possible. Olivia kept thinking about the slap she had given Colin, knowing that he was going to punish her one way or another.
