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“No baby, I think it was just a lucky coincidence. Fate. I really was out there about to end it all when I saw you. It was almost like the heavens decided that it was time for me to move on, and they made my ultimate blessing look like the source of my torment. Because that was a sign. And I needed something obvious because nothing was helping,” Colin replied. Olivia was aware of his eyes on her profile, but she wasn’t quite ready to face him.
“True, I’ve almost had this man committed more times than I care to talk about. He was doing okay for a while but began to spiral with the guilt that was eating at him,” Jonathan chimed in, clearing his throat, and sitting back further in his seat.
“What happened, Colin? I need to know,” she said, finally turning her eyes onto his. She slightly recoiled at what she found there.
“Will you leave me again? If I tell you?” he said hoarsely, his hands fisted hard, turning his knuckles white. She leaned forward and placed her hand onto his thigh.
“No,” Olivia said honestly. She loved him, even though what he was about to tell her was probably going to destroy her mentally. “I think we’re stuck with each other. You just drug me back from one of the most obscure places on earth,” she gave him a small smile, feeling his thigh tense.
Her smile faltered as he turned in his seat to regard her with eyes that looked tortured, bleak, desperate, and absolved. She gulped a desperate breath of her own, feeling her lips quiver as she waited for his next words.
“Baby if you don’t want me anymore after I tell you this, you can go. You don’t even have to pay me the money back,” he said, his voice coming out hollow. She briefly wondered if he really even meant it.
Ouch, Olivia thought, feeling her heart crack further. She didn’t want him to say that; she never wanted him to give her an inkling that he’d ever let her go.
Olivia took a deep breath. “Colin, were you drunk when you hit them?” she asked, letting the words linger in the air around them. Jonathan took a deep drink of his whiskey and leaned forward, gazing at the two of them intently.
Colin stared at her for a second. Because how could he tell her this without talking about his mother. The one person he’d never wanted to talk about again. His face tightened.
“No. No, I wasn’t,” he said, his voice coming out gruffer than he intended. He glanced over at Jonathan, who nodded his head encouragingly at him. Colin turned his eyes to the table in front of him, momentarily steeling himself to set his secret loose. His hand shook as if the physical action would be enough to keep the mental grip on his internal torment. He turned his eyes back to Olivia’s, finding a small measure of comfort that she was still staring at him in the face.
“It was late, and storming. I was driving home from a friend’s house. I had just delivered his money from selling his supply of coke, and had gotten my cut,” his eyes were tight on hers. She stared back, not even wanting to blink, surprised that he used to be a dealer.
“My mother had been in treatment for health problems, and I was selling drugs to help my father pay for her hospital bills. Sounds rather familiar, doesn’t it?” he said quietly. She nodded her head, her eyes widening.
“It was around the time that modern cell phones were just coming out, and they were still the little Nokia phones, with the keypads that you had to press multiple times to get one letter out. Well, my father had texted me to let me know that my mom had suffered a heart attack and was being rushed to the hospital. I was reading the text message and began driving too fast to rush to be by her side when I hit the car with the family inside. I didn’t see the stop sign through the rain in my haste and t-boned them going ninety miles an hour. The mom and dad, teenage daughter, child, and baby all died on sight. I don’t know how I made it,” Colin whispered, blinking back his own tears, breathing hard. Not wanting to relive that moment.
Oh My God, Olivia thought, her eyes holding his in disbelief as something flowed between the two of them and her head bowed under its force.
Olivia’s heart finished shattering. Feeling it painfully splintering to pieces, she scooched closer, placing her lips on his forearm. She looked startled as a tear splashed on his arm; she was crying.
“I killed five family members that night and wound up in a room at the same hospital that my mom died at just hours later. I couldn’t even say goodbye because I was strapped to so many machines to monitor my brain activity. I was so close, but couldn’t even say goodbye. I lost my father shortly after too. His whole life ended up turned upside down by grief, and he moved to another state,” he paused and scrubbed a hand down his face.
Colin took a deep breath before continuing.
“I had to move in with Jonathan. I haven’t seen my dad since before my mother’s funeral. I know you saw the picture of me next to her casket. I had to arrange it myself with Jonathan and his family’s help. My father abandoned me before the funeral and didn’t even say goodbye. He made sure to call me a killer before he left. Apparently, mom was doing ok after her heart attack, but when the nurses told her that her son got into an accident, killing an entire family and I was laid up in a nearby room, she’d had another fatal one. It was my fault.” Colin’s body tensed and he looked away from both Olivia and Jonathan, unable to face either one of them as he struggled to get a handle on his emotions.
Olivia felt her jaw drop as her stomach flipped. Her hand went to cover her mouth and she let out a shaky exhale. Her grief turned into rage and she bared her teeth as she felt herself turn red. She started trembling, her blood pressure shooting through the roof.
“No!” she gritted out so violently both men slightly jumped. “I refuse to let you believe that. That’s a sick man who would turn his back on his son like that! To pick up the pieces by yourself? To call you a killer when it wasn’t even your fault! Heart attacks happen. Cancer happens. Fucking liver disease happens!” she almost screamed this last part, and Jonathan and Colin both reached for her at the same time, slightly alarmed by her outburst.
‘No! Let go of me. Tell me tell me you don’t think you killed your mom. Tell me!” Olivia implored, reaching forward and grasping both of his arms in her hands, clutching hard. He turned red eyes to her, his pain plain as day on his face. “Baby please…” she whispered now, digging her nails into his skin.
God I’ve been so blind. How did I not see this pain? she thought sadly.
“It doesn’t matter, I killed that family, and my mother died shortly after she found out. Facts are facts Olivia,” he said harshly. His eyes were back to being hard, and he was closing himself off once again.
Olivia shook her head, feeling like she was underwater. She was back in that pool, feeling like it was her drowning instead of Allison. She gasped and sat back in her seat, her eyes widening. “Wait…your dad abandoned you. Do you feel like…” she turned eyes full of heartbreak onto him. She felt nauseated, truly scared she was going to be sick. She blinked, feeling a lone tear slide down her face.
“Allison. Do you think I abandoned her? Have I been fucking triggering you this whole time with my situation?” she half whispered, her eyes bouncing back and forth between Colin and Jonathan.
“Wow…this has taken quite a turn,” Jonathan said ruefully, sitting back in his seat and folding his arms tightly.
Colin remained quiet, unsure of what to say. He hadn’t expected the conversation to go this way. He kept his eyes on the table in front of him, unwilling to meet her eyes.
Olivia leaned back and took a deep breath, thrusting a hand through her hair. “Oh my God we’re so fucked up. This is so fucked up. You can’t even answer my question,” Olivia whispered, her eyes staring unseeingly at his chest. She began to cry silently. “What do we do?” she asked. Her green eyes imploring, looking over to Jonathan who looked just as stricken. Her friend who usually had all the answers was suddenly mute.
“I can’t say that’s made me exactly comfortable, that my best friend is raising Allison,” Colin offered as politely as he could, carefully meeting her gaze. Her mouth tightened.
