Page 92 of The Pain We Allow


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It was painful to see.

“Yes Dad, I’m here. I would ask how you’re doing but…it doesn’t look like that really needs to be answered,” Colin said softly. Looking to the side and seeing a recliner, he reached for it, dragging it over to the bed. Sitting, he tugged the lapels of his suit jacket before placing an ankle over a knee and making himself comfortable.

Henry shook his head minutely, taking a deep breath and looking like the very action was tiring him out.

“I’m not doing good, son. I’ve missed you so much. So much, I am so sorry. I have so many regrets.” Henry laid his head back against the pillow, taking another gasping breath, collecting himself. “I’ve been following you for a while, but you became really successful, and I didn’t want you to think I was just showing up because of your status.” He turned his eyes to Colin again, a tear fell out and down his cheek making Colin’s chest tighten with pain. “Son, I am so e-extraordinarily p-proud of you. And your mother would be too. I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to humble myself enough to be there when you needed me the most." Henry’s next breath sounded painful.

Colin sat there silently with his gaze tight on the floor. He put his fist against his lips as he struggled to process his father, giving him the closure he’d spent years praying for. Leaning forward, he bowed his head and clasped his hands between his knees. Lost in his thoughts and memories, he startled, feeling a soft hand land on the back of his neck.

Olivia.

Settling immediately, he reached out to his father and placed his hand around his, making the older man turn his head to the side warily, opening his eyes which rounded as he saw Olivia.

“I’ve died?” he whispered, his eyes going wide.

Olivia smiled and shook her head. “No sir, you’re still with us. I’m Colin’s wife, Olivia. It’s nice to meet you,” she said, leaning forward herself and placing her hand over Colin's and squeezing Henry’s fingers.

Henry’s mouth fell open.

“Do Elena and I have grandkids?” the man gasped, his face looking incredulous. Colin glanced up, piercing him with his stare.

“Not yet, dad,” Colin said, his voice coming out stronger with the realization his father never moved on, stuck in the pain of the past. He’d seemingly died right along with her all those years ago. Jonathan’s information had revealed that he’d never remarried, had no more kids, and worked as a janitor in a middle school until he’d come down with cancer.

Henry visited Elena’s grave and had dinner in the cemetery three times a week, every week, until he couldn’t make the trip anymore.

Colin’s heart suddenly ached for him. He knew what it would be like to fall into a well of misery that seemed never ending. It didn’t take but four months to feel like he was an empty shell of the man he once was when Olivia had been gone. Though it still hurt, a fresh understanding entered his heart regarding his father. He had to endure twenty-three years without the love of his life.

“Son…do you forgive me?” he gasped tiredly, his face looking sunken in as he reached out his other hand for him. “I love you so much. You’re my boy, my only boy. I was so foolish…so foolish. Of course…it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. I was wrong… I wasn’t strong enough for you, not a man,” Henry moaned, his head lolling against the pillow as he squeezed his eyes shut and then a lone tear fell out of his eye, spilling onto his cheek. His breaths labored, his chest falling and rising raggedly, and his broad hand shook in Colin’s.

Colin bowed his head again, placing his head into his hand as he was suddenly overcome himself, his body trembled, and he swallowed back a sob.

“I forgive you, of course I forgive you dad. I love you too. You’ll always be my father, siempre. La Muerte no cambiara eso, papi. La distancia tampoco. Te amo,” Colin gritted out.

Death wont change that. Distance didn’t either. I love you.

“I love you too son...my boy-” Henry’s weak voice suddenly trailed off.

Colin rocked in the chair, struggling with trying to hold back in his tears. When he looked up, his dad was gone, and his hand went slack in his. The monitor beeped, showing no heart activity.

Colin’s tears broke free at the knowledge he hadn’t been too late.

Olivia bent down, kissing the top of his head and running her hand soothingly down his back as he heaved big breaths, feeling the pain washing over him in overwhelming waves.

“Honey,” Olivia said softly, squatting down and placing herself in front of him. She placed her forehead against his. “I’m here baby,” she squeezed his hands and pressed closer, putting her head onto his shoulder and sighing when Colin suddenly banded both arms around her and let out a tortured sound. He hauled her to him tightly and shuddered. Olivia felt his tears hot on her shoulder.

“They’re together now, him and your mom. They’re happy, there’s peace here. I can feel it, love,” she whispered, rocking him, pressing her lips to his neck and breathing him in.

“I would never live that long without you,” Colin said suddenly, pulling back. “I refuse, Olivia. If you go, I go,” he said simply, knowing it was true.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, my love,” Olivia whispered as the nurse came in, alerted that Henry was gone. They ignored her, lost in comforting each other.

“We’re going to get through this. Carmichael can’t win, he won’t,” Colin said, placing his hand on the side of her face. Olivia nodded, the sadness in her heart pulsing, feeling like a thorn was shoved in there that she couldn’t remove.

She wondered if she ever would.

Colin stood up, holding his hand out for her and helping her up gently. She watched as he turned his eyes back to his father and then reached forward, running his hand down the back of his dad’s head, feeling his hair before pulling away.

They made the two hour drive back in silence, after Colin had settled his father’s instructions away. His funeral would be in a few days, and he would be buried next to his mother. Colin planned on having a tombstone of the two of them sitting on a bench, facing every sunrise and sunset together.

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