AllFreeNovel
Share Us
His dark brows dipped in concern. “People who are fine don’t fall sleep on the kitchen floor, Peyton.”
I shrugged off his totally sane argument. “I cleaned, it so I know it’s clean.” I got to my feet and put the island counter between us. “Maybe I’m just a weirdo who likes sleeping in dumb places. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Yeah, well, it’s too fucking bad because I am worried. It’s the middle of the day and it looks like you passed out on the floor.”
“Maybe it’s because I don’t have shit to do!” The words were so loud they echoed in the kitchen, and I ran a hand through my curls, forcing myself to stop yelling. Damn, maybe being locked away was getting to me even more than I realized. “I can’t go to work and put everyone there at risk. I can’t go out for a run because some sicko might see me and kill me. I can’t do anything because there’s a killer out there, and now I can’t even fucking sleep. Maybe I ought to just go back to my life and take my chances.” At this point, staying here was starting to feel as dangerous as running into whoever had killed Chloe.
“Don’t fucking say that,” he growled at me. “I won’t let anyone get to you.”
Yeah, except you. “At this point, it doesn’t fucking matter.”
He stepped around the counter and reached out to me, frowning when I stepped away. “Dammit, Peyton.”
“No.” I very nearly stomped my foot, but managed to stop myself from that entirely childish gesture. “You don’t want me, and I can’t afford to let you break my heart again. You want the truth? I fell asleep on the floor crying, because I got another fucking message from some weirdo claiming that we belong together, and you know what that made me think? It made me think about you.”
His brows lowered, but he didn’t make another move towards me, instead holding onto the counter as if holding himself back. “Me?”
“Yes, you. This weirdo, murdering stranger messaged to say that we belong together—the man who apparently tried to kill me thinks that we should be a couple now, and all I could think about was the fact that the only man I actually want, is the only man who doesn’t want me back. D’you know how pathetic that is?”
“Peyton…” Rocky swayed forward as if he was about to move towards me, but his fingers tightened on the counter, and he stayed where he was.
“I have plenty of men who want my body, that doesn’t mean anything,” I continued before he could say anything else, because it was all building up inside me and I couldn’t keep it in anymore. “If anything, I think I’m starting to fucking resent that. Some unknown creep, some guy who might be a stranger or might secretly be a friend, is texting me threatening messages about how he and I belong together. But no one knows me well enough to want my heart, so what does that mean?”
Rocky blinked at me, looking confused, and honestly, I was probably ranting and making no sense right now, but I couldn’t stop the way my brain was rushing around and this anger, this rage inside me at my helplessness kept bubbling up and up through me. I couldn’t stop the flow of mixed-up words coming out of me.
“Nobody fucking wants me, nobody ever has. It’s so stupid that I care about that, because fuck everyone, fuck the whole world for not wanting me. I’ve dealt with that all my life, I should be fucking used to it by now. I have Lisa, but just like Aunt Myra, who knows how long that will last? I don’t need anyone. And I hate myself for wanting you, when you don’t want me back.”
Rocky’s lips thinned, and his hand curled into a fist on the counter. “I do want you, Peyton.”
“You don’t, Rocky. Not in any way that matters. You don’t want me enough to risk hurting your son. That fucking sucks, but I’ve accepted it, okay? But this back and forth? I can’t do it.” I turned, and once more, like the frightened little girl I tried so hard not to be, I ran.
I ran to my room and hid, because in the end, that’s all I’ve ever been.
A scared little girl with nowhere to go and no one reliable to turn to.
Chapter 19
Rocky
I knocked on Peyton’s door, my heart cracking in half listening to her sob and knowing my actions contributed to her pain.
“Go away, Rocky. I’ll be fine, but I’m not in the mood for conversation right now.”
Shit. I felt helpless knowing there was nothing I could do to stop those tears. There is something you could do, my conscience nagged, but I shoved that thought away.
I felt awkward and stupid and useless. I felt like a villain. A piece of shit father and a worse lover.
The way Peyton spoke pulled my head out of my ass, forced me to look at my actions with her from a different angle. And when I pull back from my desire for her, the way I was drawn to her laugh, her smile, the soft flowery scent of her red curls and the way she gazed at me with those big blue eyes as if I was the only man in the world… When I took myself out of the equation and looked from her perspective, it looked very much like I was using her.
I made it clear that I didn’t want to be with her because I couldn’t do that to my son. But I kept fucking her. I kept seeking her out, holding her close and giving in to my desire to be near her.
But the fucked up thing is that I still wanted her, even if I couldn’t fuck her.
I loved the way she felt wrapped in my arms last night. I loved falling asleep to her flowery scent and waking up to see her wild red curls strewn on the pillow beside me. I loved coming home and seeing her pottering around the kitchen or lounging on my couch with her phone in one hand and the TV remote in the other. It brought a sense of peace to my heart.
She was so vibrant and feisty and blunt. She said what she thought, swore like a sailor, and smiled like an angel. She was vulnerable and strong all in one, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her, even when she wasn’t around. I hadn’t even looked at another woman since she barged into my life, and I was afraid to think about what that might mean.
But how could I tell her all this? How could I tell her that I didn’t just want her for her body, like she’d implied? If I did, it was going to make things harder for her.
