Page 98 of Under His Guard

His eyes are wide and Luke’s mouth falls open.

“Clara, you can’t mean…I want you to stay with me, to come back home.”

“I don’t have a home right now, do I?” I turn down the corners of my mouth in a frown. “The police have taken over everything because it was broken into. Twice! No, I just…can’t. I don’t want to.”

Luke steps forward, reaching for my hands, but I pull back. The proximity is too much.

Nausea is already swirling through my gut again, and I can’t stay here.

“The hospital is letting me off for the next few days. I need to go.”

“And where is that? Where are you going to go without my help?” Luke’s brows are at his hairline.

“I don’t really care, Mr. Shaw.”

That’s what really smacks the anger out of his expression.

My words replace his irritation with shock. Hell, it’s practically horror on his face, like I’ve called Luke the worst name in the book.

That swell in my stomach draws my attention again, and I have to suck in a breath through my nose to fight the tears.

I never wanted children. I really didn’t.

They’re so much work, a time commitment that I don’t, in fact, have the time for.

It’s different when you find out you can’t have children, at least not carry one, but it was also a massive relief.

I was robbed of the ability to make that hard decision because I was barren.

But now…

I kind of hate Luke for putting me in this position. I hate myself.

And still, this display of his is making the idea of being the mother of his child even less appealing.

Memories of living with my aunt and uncle crop up randomly. I can see them locking Regina and me in our room without food.

I can see them lamenting the fact that they were saddled with us after my parents’ accident.

“You fucking useless kids. We didn’t ask for you. Just because some fucking mugger got your folks because they were dumb enough to put themselves in that situation doesn’t mean we gotta be nice to ya.”

We had to scrounge for food more than once. I had to keep them away from Regina on more than one occasion.

You don’t bring a child into the world if it’s going to suffer like that. If you’re not going to love them.

And there’s no telling what the foster system would be like. I’ve heard horror stories.

Drunk and not wanting a kid. I can’t put myself, a kid, or Luke through that.

I’d have to be insane to let that play out.

No, you want protection, Luke? Watch this. This is how you protect someone—and yourself.

A wave of numbness washes over me, and at once, I just want to go lie down and not deal with all this bullshit until I physically have to.

“I don’t want anything to do with this anymore. No more of this mess. No more of the Cobras. No more relationship that we thought might actually be something. I’m done.”

Luke is frozen in place, standing in front of me, but I just can’t bring myself to care.

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