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I’m still attempting to.
“Yes,” Belcalis says, picking up her drink horn and walking over to the tiny stream of palm wine flowing down the side of the tree trunk. She fills it until it’s overflowing. “There’s this.” She downs the wine in one gulp, then thrusts her horn under the stream again.
Once it’s full, she nods at us. “A good night to you all,” she says. “I’m going to get myself some much-needed rest if we’re all likely to die soon.”
Lamin rises, walks slowly after her. “I’m going with you.” When he reaches the edge of the branch, he turns to Keita and me, uncertain. “I imagine you’ll be leaving soon?”
“Tomorrow,” I say, since there’s no point in holding grudges anymore. Any which way we go, this is probably one of the last times I’ll see Lamin.
I don’t want the memory to be laced with animosity.
He nods, thinking. “I know it’s not my place any longer, but please, don’t leave without saying goodbye.”
I nod. “We won’t.”
He nods. And then he’s gone too.
Now Keita and I are alone, the vastness of the night enveloping us like a cloak. I’m grateful when he immediately moves over and enfolds me in his arms. He buries his nose in my hair, as if trying to douse himself in the scent, the memory.
I do the same, closing my eyes so that his warmth completely surrounds me, protects me. For minutes, perhaps even an hour, we’re content just to remain there, wrapped in each other.
Who knows when next we’ll get the chance.
Finally, Keita stretches, moves my legs over so I’m sitting sideways on his lap. “So,” he begins, his eyes glowing in the darkness, “the world may truly end?”
“Seems possible—well, probable, given all that we have to face.” After my conversation with the gods, I’m suddenly not the Deka I was a mere day ago, confident that everything would work out.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that the universe conspires against me, that it throws out every obstacle it can to muddy my path.
Keita nods as he looks up at the stars. Then he sighs. “Hard to believe that.”
“And yet it is what will come to pass if we fail. I saw a shadow vale in the water, Keita. It was there, this ominous, awful thing, and it was right beside the Hall of the Gods. We can’t escape what’s happening, no matter how hard we try.”
“We can only fight.” Keita nods once more, his eyes weary. “Then again, that’s always our only option, fighting. Is that all life is—fighting, struggle?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. That’s all I’ve ever experienced, especially these past two years.”
“Me too.” Then he sighs. “I wonder what life is like for other people, the lucky ones.”
“I don’t think there are any.” When Keita looks down at me, I shrug. “Once upon a time, I thought you were one of the lucky ones. Then I learned your story.”
Like the stories of most of my other companions, Keita’s is horrific. Deathshrieks slaughtered his family when he was a child, killed them as they slept in the summer house they’d built near the Temple of the Goddesses. The temple their cousin, Gezo, the former emperor of Otera, had neglected to mention was there.
Only later did Keita learn of Gezo’s treachery. The former emperor had sent his family there on purpose, to ensure that they all died before their branch of the royal line became too popular and threatened his reign.
Keita glances at me, then nods. “Perhaps you’re correct. Everyone has their pain. Some just have more than others.”
“Indeed,” I agree.
And then I lapse into silence, allowing the insect calls and nocturnal birdsong to swell and fill the space where our words should be. And there are so many words now, so many things to say, except I don’t want to say them, because voicing them makes them real. Makes them final.
The silence continues, lingering longer and longer until I can’t bear it anymore. I look up at Keita, my entire being suddenly desperate as I place my hand on his cheek. “Keita,” I begin, not surprised when he looks away from me, unable to meet my eyes.
He knows what is coming.
After all, we’ve been avoiding it for the better part of a month. For an eternity, it seems, given how desperate everything is all the time. “If I become a god—”
“When you become a god.”
