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I could hardly even think straight, could not comprehend how this happened.
How could my own mother not love me?
Didn’t she know she was my world? What I went through for her?
Incapable of another step, ugly words vile on my tongue, I felt the foundation of what I built my life on crumbling right beneath my feet. Yet, no matter how much I wished it might, the street did not open up and swallow me whole. “I am loveable. I know I am.”
Even still, the life had been sucked right out of my chest.
Dismissed. I had no value to her. She’d already gained her house, after all. Found a husband and birthed ten fully human children.
Right there, out where everyone could see, hiccupping sobs stole my breath.
Just like they had when that same woman dropped me off at the academy, trading me in for her cash prize.
How many times had I seen the itty-bitties come in heartbroken, crying like I did? How many times had I scooped them up, held them tight, and promised them they were wholly loveable? That they were wanted?
“She sent me letters. She made that cake.” Had Cyderial really ordered her to write me every year? I couldn’t tell, not when he was looking at me with so much pity. “Why did she let me think she loved me?”
Without those letters, I would have given up long ago. “Cyderial, they abuse children at the academy, trying to turn us into soldiers. And I survived it, because I wanted my mother to have a great life, even if mine was awful.”
He didn’t admonish my outburst or gloat. Cyderial gave me time, drawing me to his chest so I could cry all the harder, and held me when I was weak.
Arms tight around my body, he murmured softly, “To be frank, my dear, it went better than I anticipated. And I am proud of you for standing up to that ingrate when he bullied your brother. Being thrown out of a house for defending your family is your birthmother’s failing, not yours.”
But if I hadn’t said anything, maybe I would’ve still been there. Maybe my mother would have served me some of her special tea.
And all of it would have been a lie, so what did any of it matter?
“You’re a bully, and I stand up to you all the time. That doesn’t make me special.”
“I love you.” A kiss landed on the top of my head.
And though it felt nice, his declaration could not have been from the heart. His love would never be the love I lost from my mother. Sorrow finding a friend in its closest compatriot, rage, I felt the flutters of real anger and drew back to snarl, “That’s different! You heard a song and went crazy. Your love has nothing to do with me as a person. It’s purely a biological response.”
“Lorieyn, that’s not true.” He dragged me right back to him, with no care for the gaping crowd. “I am capable of love, you know. And I choose to love you, with your smart mouth and hidden agendas. I love all the things about you beyond a purely sexual impulse. Which, yes, I have that too, but I have loved you enough to wait ten agonizing years for you. In that time, your mother forgot how much she loved the little girl you once were. Maybe she had to. I expect the loss of you would have been devastating.”
Like that, sorrow swept away the anger, my lip quivering, as I said, “I remember her being really nice. She’d hold me until I fell asleep and dressed me in pretty clothes she made just for me.”
“Someday, you are going to be an amazing mother, and you will remember this moment when your children need you most. You will be there for them.” Cupping my face in his hands, Cyderial was oh-so gentle as he wiped away my tears. “You will protect them. Even when they are a hundred years old, you won’t forget—they will still be your little ones. You are not the kind of person who could give their baby away for profit and move on with her life.”
Eyes wet, tears all over my face, my meaner parts had one more jab. “If you had not taken me away from her for all those years, she wouldn’t have stopped loving me.”
“Do you really think that’s true?” It wasn’t said in cruelty; it was said in compassion.
No.
I loved her fiercely for ten years, honored her every day in my heart. She birthed other children, real children, and my value to her had already been cashed in. Knowing the cost of bearing me, she had chosen before I was born to give me up and walk away.
Such adoration in his eyes, Cyderial offered a soft smile. “We must take these moments of disappointment and turn them into something we can build from. We can choose not to repeat the mistakes of our forebearers. We can choose not to let other people dictate our worth or our happiness. Jae should be ashamed of her lack of pride in her wonderful hybrid daughter. You are remarkable, you are brilliant, and you are loveable.”
Sniffing, I pressed my shaking lips together and nodded.
It was difficult to associate the man talking so compassionately and wiping away my tears with the cold-blooded general I despised for so long. They were two entirely different creatures. And to imagine I was accepting comfort from him?
Who was I?
How could I have allowed myself to cry in public?
