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“I’m sorry. I don’t like it about me, either. My friend — the one who texted you — was being a dick and he told me you took the bait. He sent me another message right after telling me the truth. After I smashed my phone.”
She frowns, then as if only just remembering what I blurted out, she says, “You love me?”
I stare up at her. “Yes. I don’t know when this went from being a deal to something more, but in all honestly it was never a deal for me. I thought deep down you were hung up on money and I wanted you to have it. You deserve to live a good life. A life where you don’t have to struggle. The lines got blurred. I started to fall and I fell fast.” I run both hands through my hair. “You have to believe me, Princess. I don’t want to do this without you. I can’t live without you. What we have is special. I’ve never felt this way before.”
Her lips part and I see the anger dissipate. “Alistair, you thought I was a gold digger! How can I forget that? How can I forget you tried to set me up and lied about it?”
“You can’t, but I did it because I’m a jealous arsehole and I’m also madly in love with you. The idea that another man could be where I’ve been. That he could get to be with you when you’re mine… I saw red. And then I couldn’t see straight at all.”
She sinks to her knees and cups my face. “This isn’t a game to me.”
“I know that now.”
“You can’t just make this better with words, Alistair. The fact you don’t trust me hurts. The fact you think I’d even want to sleep with any other man except you…” She trails off and I hang my head. “It just isn’t true. You’re all I think about day and night.”
It’s a relief to my ears, but I know I’m not out of the woods yet. “I can’t do this,” I say, my voice cracking. “I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you. I only just got you back in my life.”
A long silence passes. “What are we going to do?” she whispers.
“Just say you’ll stay. Don’t leave like this.”
She takes a long breath. “I won’t leave. I’m not happy, but I won’t do that because I learned a long time ago not to run away from my problems.”
My eyes meet hers. I know I can’t make this right with words, or by using sex. I know I have to. “I’ve never had to answer to anyone. I’ve always kept my guard up, thinking that would protect me from falling in love. But with you, nothing is simple. This feeling I have inside of me, it feels nuclear. Like I will die if I can’t have you.”
We’re both still on our knees. “I was wrong to trick you like that. I should’ve just manned up and asked how you felt, but where I come from; you don’t show affection, Charlize. I love my parents to death, but we’re also a family who don’t show emotion or affection in public, or behind closed doors. When you touch me, I feel this pounding in my chest that can only be described as atomic. I need you and I didn’t realise how much until I thought I could lose you.”
She stares at me, and for the first time in my life, I’ve no idea which way this will go. “While I appreciate that, and the fact you are who you are and don't know how to love, I was more than willing to be the one to show you.”
“Was? As in past tense?”
She cups my face again. “That's not what I meant.”
“Tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.”
“But you won’t believe me. There will always be doubt. Somewhere deep inside you’ll always be wondering if I’m playing some game, and I can’t live like that. I won’t live like that. At first, I admit, that’s all this was. I would’ve said and done anything to be with you. And I did. But then things changed. All I’ve ever wanted my whole life is to be loved by someone. To be their everything. To belong to someone. And the first time I’ve ever felt that, Alistair, is with you.”
I press my forehead to hers. “I love you. I won’t let you go. I’ll show you. I’ll prove it to you.”
She takes a long breath. Deciding my fate has never felt so long and exhausting. “I think we need to take a step back.”
“No.”
She pulls back to look at me, her beautiful blue eyes filled with remorse. “Yes, just for a beat. Things have moved so fast. If we’re really declaring our love for one another, we need to actually date one another and not just base it all on sex, lust and money.”
“I can do that.” I never expected she’d want more from me. “I’m a creature of habit, Charlize. But I know I am capable of more. I didn’t think you wanted more. I thought you just wanted the sugar baby thing and nothing else. Now I’ve come to realise that it’s not enough. It could never be.”
“It isn’t enough, I agree,” she whispers, to my relief. “Not when I feel this way.”
“So I’m in with a chance?”
“I just don’t want any lies. I can’t handle sneaking around and you trying to catch me out. While I get why you did it, that wasn’t cool, Alistair. You could’ve just asked me how I felt, and I would’ve told you. Even if it meant losing you.”
“You think telling me you love me would lose me?”
She gives me a pointed look. “At the time I didn’t know you felt the same way, asshat. Try to keep up.”
I smirk. “Trying real hard over here.” She smiles and my chest tightens. “I’m really sorry. For everything. I never meant to hurt you. I’m bad at this.”
