Page 206 of Almost Pretend

She falters, her smile fading as she looks at me with wide, confused eyes.

“What?”

“Elle, I—goddammit, woman. You know I’m bad at this.” Muttering to myself, I lift up enough to fish around in my pockets and pull out a folded piece of paper. “Just read it.”

Puzzled, Elle reaches out carefully to take the folded page.

“I feel like I’m back in sixth grade,” she murmurs, unfolding the paper.

Now I have to look away.

I can’t stand to look while she reads my clumsy words.

Miss Eleanor Lark—

I wanted to start this with “My everything.” Because on paper I get to cheese it up, and you are my all, Elle Lark.

I should have told you that the second I realized it.

I should have told you every damned day.

I should have shut my yap instead of screaming and been honest—as bright and honest as you’ve always been with me.

When I was a little boy, I loved Inky because he was different. The kind of different that makes children feel less alone.

The same way Inky found acceptance because he was unique, you made me feel accepted. Like I can be myself—rude, blunt, and strange as ever.

You let me be me without complaints, without trying to change me.

You still care for me just as I am.

But I didn’t make you feel the same, did I?

I called you crazy, chaotic and disruptive. I treated you like an intrusion on my life, when you were anything but.

You were—you are—what I never knew I needed to make my life complete.

Screw chaos.

You bring joy.

You light up everything you touch.

I’m so accustomed to remaining untouched that I mistook change for destruction and love for intrusions. Your joy is not destructive. Your care is not invasive.

It makes me whole and it’s part of what makes you so beautiful.

If you’re insane, then I’m fucking pathological.

I’m insane for everything about you.

All the things you think I couldn’t possibly like about you—your brightness, your impulsiveness, your whims, your goofy pet names.

I’d rather wake up to “Gruffykins” a thousand mornings than breathe another minute without you.

I love them all.

Just like I love you.

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