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Oliver takes a sip of his coffee and nods. “Do you regret it?”
Shrugging, I pick at the food remaining on my plate. “Not really. It’s more like… I’ve kind of just lost steam. Every week that passes, I just want to put it behind me and move on. Then I can be doing the most simple thing, like brushing my teeth. And there’s this lingering hurt that a few months ago I would have had him at the sink next to me, and now I have no one.”
I shrug, stabbing the pancake. “Then I get angry and I want to make him hurt again. But there’s also this doubt in me that Jared won’t care if I sleep with all his friends, and I’ll just humiliate myself further.”
Oliver is silent for a few moments, but my appetite is ruined so I push the plate away from me. I reach over to steal a sip of his coffee.
“May 14th, junior year.” He finally mutters.
My brows pinch. “What?”
He looks up at me. “That’s the day you lost your virginity to my brother. May 14th, the morning after prom. Jared had bragged about it for days that he got a hotel room and nothing was going to stop him from claiming you. It wouldn’t be till months after when he recounted the story again and Carson asked him if you had even wanted to have sex that morning.”
Bile rises in my throat, my heart a drum in my ear as my blood surges. My breath is shaky as I think back to the first year we dated. I had been hesitant to take the next step with him, but my mother had adamantly suggested I spend the night since Jared’s parents paid for the suite. I barely remember getting there, and I woke up with a hangover that didn’t match the single drink I had, and my dress stripped off. I knew Jared hadn’t touched me as I slept, but my memory was hazy on how I went from struggling to keep my eyes open to his cock inside me as he tore through my virginity.
I swallow, pushing away the raw feelings I had buried down deep. “That was a long time ago,” I whisper.
Oliver gives me a pointed look. “But yet you’re shaky and pale.”
“What did he say to Carson?” I ask instead.
This time Oliver pauses and leans back, his face somber. “Something about you begging for it. Carson punched him.”
My tongue is heavy and I lick my lips. It feels like I never truly knew any of the men I consider friends. I never heard about Carson getting violent with Jared, it makes me wonder what other secrets they’ve kept for each other. “Has Jared cheated on me before?”
Oliver’s eyes widen, his mouth slack. “I would have told you if he did.”
I cock my head to the side. “Would you have? You didn’t even tell us about Brittany cheating.”
“What happened between my wife and me is no one’s business,” he says, and his jaw tics.
I nod. “Exactly. Would you have told me if you knew, or would you have trusted your brother to confess like your wife did?”
“I would have told you, Jen. Because if there’s something that Jared was obsessed with, it was you. Obsessed with being the only one who had you, obsessed with how hopelessly in love you were with him. It fueled his narcissism.”
Flexing my clenched fist, I rub my arm. “You would think that would have been enough for him to stay faithful.”
Oliver shrugs. “He’s like our father, it’s never enough. He constantly wants more. He’s determined to be revered, desperate to be wanted.”
“Yeah…” I agree half-heartedly. I don’t have the energy to hash out all of Jared’s horrible qualities.
He clears his throat. “Anyway, we kind of got a little off-topic. I wanted to say that I don’t regret what happened between us. I don’t feel any shame. Granted, I didn’t do it to get back at Brittany, so maybe that’s why.”
Oliver gives me a shy smile. “I think you just snapped a thread that has been ready to break for a while now.”
It eases some of the guilt churning in my stomach and I nod, then shrug. “I’m still sorry I provoked you. I was hurt and I wanted someone to hurt with me.”
“I know, Jen. But I could have stopped, I just didn’t want to.”
My cheeks flush. “You know it can’t happen between us again, right?”
His smile falters. “Why?”
“Because you're his little brother,” I say with a laugh, confused why he’s even asking.
Oliver frowns further. “Jen, if I have to choose between you or him, I pick you. I’m not saying I want to be anything but friends at the moment. But I think somewhere down the line I would be open for more.”
I tilt my head back, blinking at the ceiling. What is with men confessing their feelings to me in the past twenty-four hours?
