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“Go ahead.” I knew I wasn’t getting fired, since I’d just gotten a job offer. But what else could it be?
“I don’t know how much the boys have told you about their real father.”
“A little.” How could I not know about the murder-suicide of Stella’s first husband and her best friend? Even now, after all these years, people still talked about it. They’d been having an affair and had planned to run away together. No one knows exactly what went on between them on a fateful day not long before Thanksgiving more than two decades ago. Whatever it was that transpired, the day ended with the murder of Rex Sharp, Stella’s first husband, and her best friend, Jennie Armstrong, Annie’s mother.
Stella had married Jasper Moon after her husband’s death, and he adopted the boys. A happy ending for everyone but Annie. She’d finally had hers, though, when she came to visit the ranch around the same time Chloe and I had arrived and rekindled with her childhood sweetheart.
“Before he died, my life was hell,” Stella said. “Other than the boys, of course. Rex was abusive, mostly emotionally, but it might as well have been physical the way his harsh criticism and narcissism crippled me.”
“I understand,” I said softly.
“I had a feeling you might. Which brings me to what I wanted to say.”
I braced myself, prepared for the worst, whatever that would be. Did she suspect what I’d done? Somehow pieced together my past? Maybe she’d happened upon a news item about the murder in a small Tennessee town and she’d put two and two together?
None of these were rational thoughts, since they’d just offered me a dream job, but they flooded me, nonetheless.
“This is none of my business, so please, don’t feel any obligation to tell me about why you moved here,” Stella said. “However, I wanted to tell you that I’m always available if you want to talk about your past or your future. Or anything at all. When I was your age, my self-confidence had taken a beating. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My husband wanted me to feel worthless, and for a long time I believed he was right. I came through it, and so will you.”
“But how? What did you do to get through it?” Obviously, I didn’t want her to know about my marriage or the fact that I’d accidentally killed my husband. Regardless, I was curious to hear what she had to say. Instinct and observation had taught me one thing since I’d been here. Stella Moon was a wise woman.
“Love. That’s all.”
“Love,” I repeated out loud. How simple. If only I could believe it to be true.
We’d reached the front porch of the big house, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. The temperate day had the sounds of summer—the hum of bees flying from flower to flower, birdsong from robins, finches, and warblers in the trees above, a faint rustle of leaves in the warm breeze. Sunshine felt nice on my bare arms and face.
“At the core of all decisions and actions is love,” Stella said. “Jasper came into my life and loved me just as I was, which I can’t imagine was easy. I was a mess, with five little boys and the trauma of Rex and Jennie. My life had gone so terribly wrong, except for my boys. From the moment Atticus was born, I knew my whole life would be about him and then his brothers, one by one. My heart grew each time, stretching wider and deeper to accommodate each of them. Taking care of them dictated almost everything in my life. Which made it easier to know what choices to make. That’s a long-winded way to say that Jasper and my sons helped me to leave the past behind. Jasper’s steadfastness allowed me to forgive myself and love myself again. Without him, I’m not sure what would have become of me or my boys.”
“I know what you mean. After Chloe was born, everything became about her. My job was to protect her at all costs.”
Stella nodded, smiling as she turned to look out toward the meadow. “As hard as motherhood is—the sleepless nights, the worry, the teenage years—loving a child more than you love yourself teaches you who you truly are. The grit and courage demanded of us is awakened the moment we look into our baby’s eyes.”
“Before they’re born, you can’t really imagine how much you’ll love them, right?” I asked. “When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. I knew already that John wasn’t right for me, but once I knew about the baby, it felt like I had to stay with him. I didn’t know how I’d tell my dad what I’d done—gotten pregnant right out of high school—but he took it better than I thought he would.”
“Is he still with us?” Stella asked.
I shook my head, the familiar grief roaring to life. “He died when Chloe was only a year old, but he got to spend time with her. That gives me comfort.”
“Was he sick?” Stella asked.
“Cancer. Pancreatic. He was gone not long after he was diagnosed.” My throat ached trying not to cry. The last few months of his life had been spent in hospice. I’d been with him every minute I could, bringing Chloe with me and practically living there in the days leading up to his death. As much as I wished things had ended differently for him, I was grateful for the time we had together in those last weeks. We’d talked a lot. I’d finally confessed the truth of my marriage and John’s abuse. He said he’d suspected it but didn’t know how to bring it up to me. I’d promised him I’d leave John. The promise had been sincere when I said it, holding Daddy’s hand, with his blue eyes the same as they’d always been, despite his shrunken face.
Daddy had point-blank asked me, “Is he hurting you?”
I hadn’t been able to say the truth out loud, but the tears that spilled from my eyes were all the answer he needed. It was then I promised to leave him.
After he’d died, I’d found I lost courage. The town of Fremont, Tennessee, was small. For generations, John’s family had wielded power and influence. If I wanted to keep a job, I knew I needed to stay married. Leaving was my only option. It took me another two years, even with Daddy’s inheritance, to feel as if I had enough money to survive an escape. If only I’d been able to escape without the gun going off, I’d be free. What would that feel like? To know that nothing could interfere in my life, and I could make my own decisions? Even look forward to the future? It was a heady thought. Some days since moving here, I’d felt a surge of hope that the Underwoods wouldn’t look for me or the police wouldn’t show up at Crescent Moon Ranch and take me away in cuffs.
As it was now, I was in forced limbo. I couldn’t really make plans for the future. And one that involved love in my life with another man was impossible. I could never tell what I’d done, rendering a healthy relationship impossible. Without truth, a relationship had no future. Unlike Stella, I was not blameless in the demise of my husband. Love could not save me.
There were many nights I lay awake, listening to the even breaths of my daughter, and begged God to keep me out of jail just long enough to finish raising Chloe. Considering what I’d done, it was a lot to ask.
“Whatever or whomever you left, I’m sure there was a good reason for it,” Stella said. “But don’t let it be part of the new life you’re making for Chloe. Whatever he did has no place in this new life you were brave enough to start.”
“Thank you. I’m grateful for all you and your family have done for Chloe and me. When I left, I never dreamed I’d find this place or that we’d be welcomed with such open arms.”
“We’re glad you’re here. You’ve given as much as you’ve gotten.”
