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“Back at you, kid.” Pop held out his hand to Chloe, and the two of them walked out of the barn together.
I wiped my eyes on the back of my arm and followed.
6
SAMMIE
Our meeting with the bride had gone well. So well, in fact, that she’d signed a contract, reserving the entire ranch for three days during the second week of December. She’d always wanted a Christmas wedding, she’d said, and the ranch was exactly what she had in mind. Around five, we left her and her mother to enjoy a bottle of champagne and a cheese plate while sitting at the firepit.
“Did I do okay?” I asked Thad as we crossed the grounds toward the house.
“You did very well.”
“I’m glad you were there with me. I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity.”
“You’ve earned it.” Thad’s voice sounded odd, strangely distant and formal.
I sneaked a quick glance at him. Something troubled him. Other than during our meeting with the bride, he’d been strangely quiet all afternoon. Had I done something to make him mad?
During the years with John, I’d come to understand that any small thing could make him angry. The problem was, I never knew what it would be. Something I’d think was perfectly innocent, he took as a slight or criticism. Any innocuous glance at a man when we were out provoked unreasonable jealousy. If I chose to wear something he didn’t like, he would ridicule me and call me ugly. Because of this, I’d honed my life around anticipating his moods and needs. People have described relationships with controlling, volatile people as walking on eggshells, and they’re right. It’s a precarious business, living with an abuser. Strangely enough, one grows accustomed to this way of life. Like an animal in constant danger, we become acutely aware of the actions and moods of our predators. Self-preservation becomes innate. Yet we cannot figure out how to protect ourselves from their unpredictable tempers, thus finding ourselves in danger most of the time. Day in and day out creates a pattern inside one’s mind. Our nervous systems react without us even realizing it’s happening.
Therefore, now, I sensed something troubled Thad, but I had no idea what I’d done. I scrutinized everything that had happened that day, scouring moments for clues to my mistake. He’d been fine at breakfast. After he and Chloe had been to the barn to see the chicks, he’d come back subdued—like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. Had Chloe said something about our past? She would be four in a couple of weeks. How much did she remember?
Did she remember what he’d done to the kittens? And to her afterward? All the times John had hurt me?
I asked him the question I would never have asked John. “Everything all right? You seem…down? Or mad?”
We stopped at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the front porch. Stella had texted that she and Chloe were coming back from swimming lessons and would be there soon. I’d been thrilled when Stella offered to take her to the local pool for lessons, as had Chloe. She’d run out to greet Stella the moment she’d gotten out of her car to pick her up and take her.
“I’m fine.” He headed up the steps, with me following behind. When we reached the front door, instead of reaching for the knob, he turned back to me. “Do you think we could have an honest conversation?”
“About what?”
“About what really happened to you back in Philly. Or wherever it is you’re really from.”
My stomach dropped. Here it came. The ultimatum. He wanted to know the truth about my past. Or what? He would send me away? “What do you want to know exactly? I told you I can’t talk about certain things.”
“I know what you said, and now I’m asking again for the truth.”
“Why do you care so much?” Heat had traveled into my cheeks. Was I angry? Defensive? Frightened? Everything at once.
“How can you ask me that?” Thad’s eyes narrowed as he shook his head. “If it’s not obvious that I care about you and Chloe, then I don’t know what to say. I’m asking because I want to know you. The real you.”
“What do you want to know?” I might as well get it over with.
“Chloe said something to me this morning. Something concerning. I’ve been debating all day if I should say anything, and I’ve decided I have to, even if it’s uncomfortable. It’s about her father.”
It was as if a giant scooper cleaned out my insides and I was left with nothing but cold air whooshing about. I wrapped my arms around my middle. What had Chloe told him? “Can we talk inside, please?”
He held the door open, and we both walked into the foyer. “The den?” Thad asked.
“Sure. Fine.” Blindly, I trailed him down the hallway and into the family room where Chloe liked to watch cartoons or play with her dolls. I sank into the couch, shaking, feeling as if I might be sick. “What is it? Tell me what Chloe said.”
He stared at me for a moment. “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”
“Not really.” I had a feeling, though. A strong feeling.
Thad went to the liquor cabinet and poured us both a drink of whatever amber fluid was in the decanter. He set mine on the coffee table before downing his entire glass. Then he sat on the other end of the couch. I watched him for signs of anger or aggression but saw nothing that reminded me of my husband. Thad’s eyes were soft and kind as they looked over at me. “Chloe and I were looking at the chicks this morning, as you know.”
