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I try to pull away, but his grip only tightens. “You didn’t hurt me, Killian. You pissed me off. I said no and I meant it. I made up my mind that whatever happened before, once you slept with her, you wouldn’t—”
“I haven’t slept with her.”
My heart stops and my gaze snaps to his. I stop fighting. I’m too stunned. “What?”
He shakes his head. “Why would I? I told you you’re the only one I want.”
“But… you’ve been spending time with her like a couple. You’ve been planning your wedding.”
He shrugs. “It’s an arranged marriage, Brynn, not a love match. She knows I still want you. Why would I muddy the waters by sleeping with a woman I don’t want? Why would I hurt the one I do want that way?”
My heart fills up. I never even dared to hope…
I lock my arms around his neck, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss against his cheek since I’m not sure where it hurts from all the punching.
His grip on me tightens, but this time it feels less like a prison and more like an affectionate gesture.
I hate how relieved I feel because I know this is only a temporary reprieve. If he marries her, he’s going to sleep with her, and he still isn’t mine.
It just feels like he is right now.
The way he dangles hope and then drags it away… maybe it’s cruelty more than kindness, but I lap it up like a starving kitten.
I need it now, though. I can pretend my boundaries are still intact and he hasn’t destroyed them. I can imagine he won’t just cross them in the future once he does marry her because I don’t know how I’ll ever bear that.
I think I wish I’d never met him, but since I have, I let him hold me. I pepper his face with the gentlest kisses I can, and when he sweeps an arm beneath me and lifts me up, I let him carry me in to his bed.
I let him lay me down and strip off my ruined clothes.
I watch him remove his.
I spread my legs and let him inside me, and all the time I pretend I’m the one allowing anything.
That I really, truly have a choice with him.
That he won’t drag me to hell and ruin my life all over again every time I start picking up the pieces.
He comes inside me.
Then he holds me.
And as I drift off to sleep in his arms, I feel as safe as I ever have in my life.
I know it’s a lie, but it’s a lie I let myself believe.
At least for one more night.
Chapter Forty-nine
Killian
I leave a note for Brynn on my pillow, then I head to her apartment to feed the damn cat.
I have to meet Sloane, but I knew if I didn’t feed Toast first, I’d return to an empty apartment no matter how many threats I made.
I text Sloane when I park so she knows to buzz me in, then I head straight up to her floor, hoping I don’t bump into Addison while I’m here.
On impulse, because I can’t stop being aware of its weight in my pocket, I slide my hand down to trace the shape of the burner phone just to make sure it’s still there. I know it is, but I still feel better feeling it. It feels like a get out of jail free card.
