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“You wouldn’t. You’re too humble, so I’m saying it.”
“You’re going to give him the wrong idea.” I shoot Liam a pleading look.
“Instant replay.”
I take a deep breath and look at Xavier’s name. “I had some good stats.”
For the next thirty minutes, I recall what happened during the season, with Liam interrupting to tell his version when he thought I was downplaying my accomplishments. And as we make the drive back to my house, I can admit it’s easily the most honest and enjoyable talk I’ve had by his graveside since the first time I visited, and there’s no question in my mind that’s because of Liam.
He made it feel like we were having a conversation with Xavier, and it gave me a glimpse into what life might be like if he were still here, and I could introduce him to my boyfriend for real.
That thought is as comforting as it is heartbreaking, and even though I’m no longer carrying the weight of what to say to Xavier, I’m more conflicted than ever.
Having Liam there felt so right, yet I’m still not ready to say it feels right enough to come out.
I know that makes me an asshole. Liam basically admitted he’s serious about me when he said he wanted Xavier to like him, and I’m not giving him that same courtesy.
Fear is holding me back, that much I know, but I’m not sure if it’s fear for my future or fear of my feelings that’s tripping me up.
This is all happening so fast. A few months ago, I was bracing for a solitary life because I didn’t think I was capable of being with another person sexually, much less romantically. Now, I have a boyfriend I really like. Someone who deserves a man that wants to be all in. I think I want that man to be me.
Am I in love?
I don’t know how to answer that except to say for the first time, I think I can see that in my future. Maybe it’s time to explore what that would be like.
***
“These two don’t know when to quit.” I shut my phone off and toss it on my desk. “I said I’d think about going, not that I would.”
“You don’t want to go to the New Years party at Bennet’s frat?” Liam asks as we drop our bags on our beds. It’s our first day back on campus since the dorms just opened, and while we don’t technically need to be here for another three days, we were both eager to get back to our space.
“Do you?”
“I hadn’t given it much thought. I assumed we would since Cameron and Jagger have been blowing up your phone about it.”
“I never confirmed we were coming back tonight.”
“What would we do if we didn’t go?”
“Hang here. Get some food, watch a movie…” I lift my shoulder in a flirty who knows way that Liam doesn’t see since he’s focused on unpacking his bag.
“We did that for a whole week at your parents.”
“True, but there are things we can do while we watch a movie here that we couldn’t do there.”
Liam pauses in the act of putting his socks away and glances at me over his shoulder.
When he doesn’t comment, I continue, “And here, I can kiss you at midnight. Anywhere you want me to.”
Liam not so subtly adjusts himself. “What are you saying exactly?"
“I’m saying, I’m ready.”
His Adam’s apple bobs with an audible swallow. “Ready for what?” He licks his lips.
“To lose my virginity.” I reach out and grab him by his waistband, pulling him to me so I can press my lips to his.
The instant we connect the weight of our looming decisions fades, and the only thing I’m conscious of is Liam. His soft lips. His warm breath. His wet tongue sliding against mine, making the chaos in my confused mind fade to nothingness, and replacing it with the calm only he seems capable of bringing me.
