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“He says we should each do what’s right for us. Right now, that’s the same thing, but I don’t know how long that will last.”
“How long do you want it to last? If there weren’t any other factors to consider.” Dani’s gentle tone has me admitting what I’ve been trying not to acknowledge.
“I don’t know. Forever?” My shoulders hitch toward my ears.
Her eyes go wide for the second time in as many minutes.
“Too early?” I rush to downplay that statement. “It’s probably too early.”
“I mean, it’s early, yeah,” she agrees. “But not impossible. My parents have been together since they were seventeen. Sometimes you just know.” Now it’s her turn to shrug.
“That’s the thing though. I don’t know. Not completely.”
“You mean you don’t know if you want to come out?” Thank God there’s only curiosity, no judgment, in her tone. I’m ashamed to be having these feelings as is, I don’t think I could handle her being disappointed in me for them.
I nod slowly.
“What’s holding you back?” Dani asks.
“Football.” I drop my gaze to my lap, since I can’t look at her while admitting what a coward I am. “It’s like, I’ve had this one dream forever, and there’s a chance it could happen. A slim chance, but it exists. Then I met Liam, and I started having a new dream. The problem is, I’m not sure the two dreams can co-exist.”
I risk a peek at my friend and find her closing her eyes and shaking her head. At least she doesn’t have a disgusted look on her face. It looks more guilty than anything, although why she’d feel guilty I have no idea.
“I should’ve put that together earlier.” She sighs. “I thought you were just overwhelmed with the whole what’s my sexuality thing when you said you weren’t sure about coming out.”
“That was pretty confusing,” I say. “In my head, the question was never about what my friends would think so much as what the NFL would think. I mean, if there’s a gay guy in the league, he’s in the closet, so the idea of being out before I even get there is… Well, it makes you wonder if there’s a reason there aren’t any openly gay guys on the roster. Something I wouldn’t know until I get there, and coming out now might mean I never do.”
“I guess that’s a valid consideration.” Dani’s expression looks as defeated as my heart feels as she rolls her pencil back and forth over the desk. “Is there anyone who might have a better understanding of this than we do? Like, an agent?”
“Maybe, but I don’t know who that would be. I need to talk to Coach but…” I exhale heavily. “Is it crazy to entertain the idea of coming out before I know if I’ve made it?”
“Not if you want to be with Liam forever. With football…at some point you’ll have to give up being on the field.” Her nonchalant tone reeks of simplicity, which makes me feel like the world’s biggest asshole.
The answer was right there the whole time, and I never saw it.
I’ve spent years dreaming about getting to the NFL, but even if I do, she’s right. That’s got a time limit. Ten to fifteen years if I’m healthy, significantly less if I’m not. Meanwhile, I’ve got a guy I might be able to keep forever, and I’m still asking myself what to do?
Why the fuck was I asking the question in the first place?
Liam accepted my sexuality unconditionally, even when we weren’t on the best of terms. He’s helped me find answers without forcing me to acknowledge my feelings before I was ready. He was willing to sit patiently in the closet while I figured out where he fits in my life, and he wants my dead best friend to like him, because he knows Xavier will always be with me. Plus, he’s smart, funny when he isn’t being grouchy, and gorgeous.
He’s the perfect guy. My perfect match. And I’d be crazy to let that slip away for a chance at a career that may or may not come to fruition.
“Dani, you’re a genius.” I pop up from my side of the table and walk around to hers, pulling her up and into my arms.
“I mean, duh.” Her voice is muffled against my chest. “But why do you think that?”
“Only one of the two things I want in life has the possibility of being forever. I know what I need to do.”
***
“Liam!” I burst through the door, chest heaving after my cross-campus run to get to our room. “I need—” The words die on my lips as I see his motionless form curled on the bed, unseeing eyes staring vacantly at my side of the room.
What the hell?
Liam is not a wallow in misery sort of guy. When something bad happens, like having no visitors on his birthday, or his mom forgetting he’s at school, he turns even more surly and sarcastic than normal. He’s never, not once, looked as despondent and defeated as he does right now, and it scares the shit out of me.
Whatever happened must be truly unfathomable to put him in this state.
