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Somewhere in the distance, I can hear my name. People are looking for me, they sound frantic. I should call out and let them know that I’m here, but I don’t. Eerie calm settles over me the ugliness in my head stops as the wind whips around my body. My dress flaps in the wind, sounding like the wings of a bird.
I wonder if I could fly.
I could just let go. Give in to the darkness and be free of this torment. There’s freedom right there for the taking if I just make the leap. Who could blame me, anyway? I’ve survived more than any person should ever have to. This moment of peace—of clarity—could be the rest of my forever.
“Oh my God, Rose!” Hannah cries out in horror. “Slade! Matthew! She’s out here.” Distantly I think about how odd it is that she didn’t call Slade Master. Is she still upset at him for earlier?
“Holy fuck!” Slade shouts.
I was terrified of him when I first met him. I feel silly now. He’s been by my side, keeping me safe for weeks. The real threat was never Mr. Perfect or Damon. No, the danger has always been the darkness within me. No one can save me from it.
“Rose, sweetheart, you need to come on back down here,” Slade coaxes. I’m confused as to why he doesn’t want me on the balcony. And why he’s moving towards me so slowly with outstretched arms. “Just grab my hand, sweetheart.”
I close my eyes, just wanting him to go away. For everything to just go away. I turn my focus back to the skyline and think again about what it must feel like to fly. To soar high up in the clouds free from everything. I close my eyes and spread my arms, pretending that they are wings.
Just before I take flight, his voice breaks through the numbness.
“Stop!” Matthew demands. “Don’t you dare.”
I drop my arms to my sides uselessly. I look over my shoulder toward my salvation. “Matty?”
Seconds later, he’s yanking me off the ledge and into his arms. He holds me so tight my ribs creak. I don’t have a chance to complain because his mouth crashes down on mine in a punishing kiss. He kisses me like I’m his first and last breath. Like I’m essential. Abruptly he stops the frantic mating of our lips and tosses me on his bed. Before I even stop bouncing from being tossed so forcefully, Matthew has me rolled onto my stomach and pulled up onto my knees.
My brain still hasn’t caught up with what’s happening when his hand cracks down on my left butt cheek. Hard. So much harder than last night. “You think you can just walk away from me?” He sounds furious. He hasn’t even finished the question, and he lands two more solid smacks on my ass, alternating from my right to left butt cheek.
“Ow! Matthew, what the…” I start to ask what the hell he’s doing, but words fail me when he spanks me two more times. Each spank harder than the last.
“You don’t get to question me. You took ten years off my life with that little stunt you pulled.” His words are angry, but his tone is fearful. Three more spanks land, this time on my upper thighs. “You tried things your way. Now we’re going to do it mine.”
“What does that mean?” I choke out between spanks.
“It means that from now on, you’re not just my girl, you’re my submissive. It means that I own your pleasure and your pain. It means that when you’re lost, I’ll find you.”
“H-how?” I stutter.
“Do you remember that first time when you kneeled for me?”
Of course I remember. He petted my hair, and my rushing thoughts stopped. “Yes.”
“You were wound so tight after the incident with Mr. Perfect that I thought you might crack. You saw Hannah at Slade’s feet getting comfort, and you wanted that too. Without understanding what you’ve been doing, you’ve been submitting to me all along.”
Didn’t I just have this very same thought? It’s true that when he’s in control, I’m calmer. The ugliness in my mind quiets. “I have,” I admit.
“It’ll be like that, but more. When your mind goes to that ugly place, and you feel yourself sinking, I will spank you or pleasure you… or both. You’ll do what I say because it’s what you need. Together, we will silence those demons and set you free.”
It sounds too good to be true, but he’s already proved it’s possible. He quieted my mind with pleasure before we left for dinner. Afterward he mastered my body with pleasure and pain until the only thoughts in my mind were of Matthew.
“Yes, please.” I know he’s not asking for permission. I already gave that to him when I agreed that if my way didn’t work, we would do things his way, but it feels necessary to make sure he knows that I want this. I never want him to feel like he’s taking something I’m freely giving him.
He lowers my chest to the bed and puts a pillow under my hips, propping me up. There is no warning before he starts. The first few swats are gentler than the earlier ones. Before long, he’s spanking me harder. I fight my need to cover my butt with my hands. It goes against instinct to not try to protect myself, but I trust Matthew. He won’t take things farther than I can handle.
I try to count how many times he spanks me, but I lose track. My whole butt feels like it’s on fire. He moves from my butt to my upper thighs, and I yowl in pain. This time I do fling my hands back to protect myself. He must anticipate my reaction because he quickly has my hands pinned to my lower back in one of his.
The spanking continues, and I sob so hard my body shakes from it. The pain morphs, and with each stroke of his hand, my mind clears a little more. Realization sets in about what Matthew stopped me from doing. Anger flares bright inside me. Anger at myself. At everyone who hurt me. I’m just angry.
I struggle against Matthew’s hold, but he doesn’t relent. Cold fear replaces the anger at how close I came to ending it all in my numbed state. I’ve survived too damn much to let memories of Red House destroy me. Never again. Determination fills me, and I relax into the mattress, taking my spanking with as much grace as possible. Knowing deep down that I deserve it for scaring everyone—including myself.
I lose myself in the steady rhythm Matthew sets. Tears still stream down my face, but it’s not in despair. It’s a cathartic release. It’s an exorcism of the darkness.
