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“She values family and relationships. If she’s worried about what your grandpa thinks, it’s because she thinks you two might be together for the foreseeable future, and she doesn’t want unnecessary tension with your grandpa.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“No. I haven’t talked with her today.”
“Then how do you know that?”
“Much to your chagrin, no doubt, I know Scottie. I know her better now than when we were together twelve years ago.”
“How so?” Koen asks, sounding a little out of breath.
“I’ve had twelve years to ponder the memories of her. Time bestows clarity. Perhaps you should move away for twelve years and return when you see things more clearly.”
He glances over at me. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
I chuckle. “I’m not your enemy. Not your competition.”
“Doesn’t feel like that.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because she talks about you like you’re the exception to everything. The untouchable exception. The one who can do no wrong.”
“Iampretty close to perfect.”
Koen smacks the off button. “Fuck you.”
I laugh, lowering the incline and the speed before shutting it off. When I get to the free weights, I hand him a clean towel that reeks of bleach. He’s working much harder than I am.
“Listen, Koen. When she talks about you, it’s like I’m witnessing a young girl in the front row of a boy band concert. She’s high on whatever you’re feeding her. And I support her happiness as long as you don’t try to change her.”
He wipes his face, eyeing me with his never-ending distrust.
“She’s the goddamn fountain of youth, Koen. Eternal sunshine. The closest you’ll ever come to feeling immortal. Don’t fuck it up.” I rest a firm hand on his shoulder and squeeze it harder than necessary.
“Why not you?” he asks as I lift weights onto the bar.
“Why not me what?”
“How can you say those things about her and not make a play for her? Why are you so willing to hand her to someone else?”
I pause for a second, staring at the bar. “Because I need her, but not in that way.”
I’ve stopped timingmy meditation. Time is not my friend. It’s nobody’s friend. I think time robs us of living. Time steals the moment. We don’t exist in time because time doesn’t exist. It can be that simple because it is that simple.
What if I stopped trying to understand life? What would happen? When I started this journey (a terrible time reference), I thought knowledge was my friend. The only thing I know now is I feel most at peace when I trust myself and honor my physical and emotional needs. The greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself is nothing. When my mind is quiet, the world is not filled with seven billion people. The world is one—a puzzle with seven billion pieces. When my mind is quiet, the lines between those pieces vanish. It’s a oneness—a wholeness—I have never experienced.
My fear of suffering is gone.
Suffering is resisting. It’s when the body won’t listen to its inner voice. It’s a byproduct of fear itself. I’ve stopped resisting, stopped fearing, and now the pain has no place to live. And I am at peace.
Without the pain, I can think of her and only feel love. The resentment has vanished. The days of missing her are gone because when I am at peace, when I am whole, we are one.
Do you feel that? If you let go of everything, you’ll find that quiet place, and you’ll find me. It’s so beautiful. So simple. It’s perfect. It’s “now.”
Now is not a moment. It’s now. It’s where we always have and always will exist.
I close my journal.
