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For prolonging this.
For making me hang onto hope for years.
For lying to him so much, and for so long, that I actually started to believe it. That she was out there.
I fucking hate him.
And for the first time ever…
For one sharp, swift beat that will forever be a black spot on my shattered heart…
I don’t wish it was me who got taken instead of Izzy.
I wish it was him.
Because then I’d have my sister back. We’d be together.
I’d have Izzy, and I wouldn’t know what it’s like to kiss someone I’ll never have. I wouldn’t be on the kitchen floor of an apartment I have no place being in, feeling like the reality of her absence finally hitting—catching up with me—is literally going to kill me.
I can’t do this. I can’t survive this.
Without her, I’ve been half a person.
And now without him too, I’ll be lucky if there’s even a sliver of me left.
IV
When we lose someone we love we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind.
—Unknown
I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
If I could, I’d take the tears from your eyes kiss the tears from your eyes
If anyone could wash away these lies I cling
and cleanse me of these lies masquerading as truths
I never meant to make you cry
Tell me, tell me where I go from here
How do I apologize
How do I make you believe the sober truth about drunken lies
How do I turn sorrys into never agains, when I can’t be certain I won’t keep fucking up in the end?
Oh, how I wish you could invade my mind
Crawl under my skin
Feel my heart beat in the cradle of your hands
You’d have to know I’d let you, I’d do just about anything for you
See me, please see me
