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“He doesn’t think his life matters as much as hers,” I say slowly, carefully. “That’s where that came from. The…the belief he holds, that somehow his life is worth less. That-that we would’ve had it easier had it been him instead of his sister.”
“Well, wouldn’t you have?”
I stare at her, blood rushing to my ears. After everything I admitted before, why would she?—
“Izzy was your girlfriend.”
Was…
“Yeah,” I croak, my pulse quickening. “But she’s his sister.”
Cleo shakes his head. “Let’s forget that for just a moment. We’re not here to compare. Remember?”
I nod.
“We’re only talking about his pain, in regards to how it impacts you.” She gestures at me. “Her loss clearly devastated you. And Jeremy’s your friend, is he not? And not just because of who you were dating and who his sister was.”
“Right,” I whisper.
“I can’t imagine watching a dear friend hurting is easy. Especially when there’s no easy way of fixing it. It’s not like Jeremy could actually switch places, right? That’s not how it works.”
Throat thick, I nod. I don’t even want to think about that possibility…that-that choice…
“Combined with the fact that he’s hurting too…well, it’s completely valid to want to be the martyr in this kind of situation. Not only would trading places with her release him from his pain, but it would release you from yours.”
“But it wouldn’t,” I say harshly.
Cleo’s brows rise. “No?”
I scowl. “Of course not. That’s…that’s the problem here. He’s under the…delusion, that my life would’ve been better off had it been him instead of her, and?—”
“Wouldn’t it?”
My mouth slams closed, and my gaze snaps to hers.
“Given how insistent you’ve been that she’s still out there…how heartbroken you’ve been for years…” She shrugs. “Can you blame him, or anyone for that matter, for assuming something like that?”
My heart slams against my ribs, and I give a little shake of my head, though I’m not really sure what I’m responding to. Or if I just…don’t want to hear this.
She holds up a hand. “You don’t have to answer. This isn’t about making choices on dilemmas that will never come to pass. It’s about accepting that things aren’t always black and white. I’m not trying to be cruel here. I just want you to…to think about it, about all that we talked about today. Everything you revealed.”
And then it hits me.
“You think I overcompensated,” I whisper, as something seems to just…crumble in my head. A sickening feeling twists my gut.
She lifts a shoulder. “I can’t tell you that.”
“I loved Izzy. I thought…I thought we’d be together for the rest of our lives. I didn’t even…” Question it. My words trail off before I can finish the thought.
And a voice in my head pipes up, quiet, and foreign after having been silenced for years.
But you did…
You did start to question it.
My eyes burn, and my jaw starts to tremble.
“I know you did,” Cleo assures me. “I have no doubt in my mind that you felt that way.”
