AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Until now, I haven’t really had anyone who understood what I’ve been going through. Not anyone around my age. Not anyone who nearly destroyed their life because of being unable to cope with the grief.
Sure, Will gets it so some degree—he moved back to Shiloh after his boyfriend committed suicide after all.
But he didn’t lose his shit like I did, like April did…not in any obvious way that I’ve seen at least. He moved away to move on. To find himself again. To start over. Seems pretty healthy from where I’m standing.
Hell, it’s what Jeremy did.
Or, rather, tried to…
He didn’t have to keep coming back.
At the sound of my name being called, I snap out of my quick-to-sour thoughts. One of the staff waves me over from where the lounge opens up into the lobby.
Time to go. I turn and glance out the window, frowning when it’s not Mom’s SUV I see, but Shawn’s Impala.
“Here,” I murmur distractedly, digging a Sharpie outta my pocket.
April arches an amused brow when I turn to face her, and I feel my cheeks heat as I gesture for her to lift her arm.
“Maybe…maybe we can get coffee or something when you get out,” I whisper, scribbling my number on the inside of her arm. My eyes lift to hers. “As friends.”
Her lips twist, sadness shining in her dark brown eyes, and she nods. “I’d like that.”
Reaching down for my duffle, I swing it over my shoulder, and we say our goodbyes.
At the front desk, I sign myself out, and gather the few personal effects I turned over when I first arrived, my phone being one of them. Not that I had to give it up, but I didn’t want to be tempted. I needed to focus on me while I was here. Can’t very well clean up the mess I left behind, if I don’t clean up my act first.
Again…
My phone hasn’t been turned on since the drive to New Horizons. Shawn was gonna ride with us, but Mom and Phoebe had showed up with Gavin—Shawn had called Mom too, apparently—so Shawn stayed back with my sister.
She was…upset, to say the least. Not because she couldn’t come with me. But after what she witnessed a couple years ago—finding me when I overdosed… Well, that kind of thing fucks a kid up.
I have a lot of regrets in life, but that might be the one that takes the cake.
If I could go back and slap my stupid high self, I would. Yes, I wanted to be found. I wanted someone to force me to get help, because I didn’t know how to ask for it myself. I was…scared. I didn’t trust myself anymore, and I just…
I needed out.
It was poor judgement—risking it with Phoebe there. And now I have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life.
Wincing at the reminder, trying not to let it get to me—realizing I’m more or less starting over, despite only having sort of slipped—I refocus on the present, shoving the thoughts away before they can send me spiraling, and wait for someone to buzz me out.
The sliding glass doors open, and I’m hit by a blast of chilly air. With October coming to an end—Halloween being next week—autumn is in full swing, shriveling up the red and brown and orange leaves still clinging to the trees surrounding the parking lot.
Shawn’s idling alongside the curb, cigarette smoke curling out from the cracked windows.
I open the passenger door with a grunted, “Hey.”
He gives me a nod, turning slightly to blow out more smoke, before flicking the cigarette butt out the window.
“Thought my mom was picking me up,” I say, shoving my duffle between the seats.
Shawn waits for me to get settled and close the door before answering. “I told her I wanted to.”
I say nothing to that, just click on my seatbelt.
Shifting gears, he steers the car away from the curb. From the radio, “Fell On Black Days” by Soundgarden is playing, crackling through the old speakers. Neither of us say anything for a while, and I toss my phone between my hands, trying to muster up the courage to turn it on. See what waits for me…
