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Groaning, I blindly feel around the pillow for it, and automatically silence it before cracking open an eye to see who it is.
Mason.
A glance at the time in the upper corner of the screen shows it’s only a little after nine o’clock. I haven’t been sleeping well, so I took an Ambien as soon as I got home from my shift at the cafe I’d been working at for the last couple months.
Frowning, I let it go to voicemail, and turn and bury my face back in the pillow.
We haven’t talked in weeks, not since the night a brawl broke out at O’Leary’s, and I’d stormed out once the dust settled. All because he told me he’d wrap my hand and called me JJ like everything was just fucking dandy and back to normal, and like he didn’t fucking kiss me two nights prior. Like I didn’t tell him I hate him and to leave me alone and I was done.
All that effort I put into rationalizing what happened in the cemetery back in September—convincing myself that Mason would surely regret it. Not only that, but agree with me that it was a grave mistake, one made in the heat of the moment, born out of his grief over my sister finally coming to a head…
All that effort thrown out the window the second he backed me against a fucking wall and put his lips on mine.
Asshole.
Now I’m just pissed off and confused.
My phone vibrates again, this time with a text message.
Blowing out a harsh breath, I mutter curses to myself as I roll onto my side, unlock my phone, and pull up my messages, squinting as my eyes adjust enough to make out what it says.
Mase Face
I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I found out about Will nd Way earlier
My brows knit, and I knuckle some of the grit still clinging to my eyes. Pushing up on my forearm, I squeeze the phone in my hand, rereading what he wrote.
Three dots appear, and a moment later another message comes in. Followed by several more in quick succession.
Will said you knew. Everyone knew apparently except for me.
I guess I just feel like a dumbass and idk, i always come to you when i feel like a dumbass
I hate that Way didnt feel like he could come to me
And here i thought you and Will had something going on LOL
I make a face at that, and shake my head, “What the fuck?”
Fuck. Sorry. Just ignore these.
A sharp exhale leaves me, and I go to lock my phone and do just that, when three damn dots appear again, disappear, then reappear, and finally?—
Maybe you were right. Maybe I am just confused. I’m so scared of losing you, J. And when I’m scared, I get desperate and impulsive and latch on like my life literally depends on it. It’s actually something I’ve been working on in therapy… stuff that goes back to when my dad left. And it just got worse after Izzy
So i get why you’re angry and done with me. I put you in a shitty situation all because i don’t know up from down anymore, and i’m so sorry. I’ll never forgive myself if we can’t come back from this. And even if we do, I still prob won’t for what I did later that night
I never would’ve called you by her name in my right mind. You have to know that. You have to know you two have always been separate to me. Before she was gone, and after. This codependent thing we’ve got going on… it’s a me thing. Not a her thing
I frown, reading that, fingers clenching around the phone.
Three more dots appear, disappear, then reappear again a moment before another message appears.
I don’t know who I am without you. And I’m not just saying that cuz of these last four years. I hate myself for jeopardizing our friendship. For hurting you and not thinking things through first. You mean too much to me to gamble what we have, just cuz kissing you felt good
Everything in me stills at those four words.
Kissing you felt good.
