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I don’t even think I exist anymore.
When he pulls back, my eyes fly open before I can stop them.
But I can’t find it in me to regret it—to wish I had savored it more—not when I find Mason’s eyes still closed, lips parted, like maybe he too felt timeless for a moment, just as I had.
It’s an image I just know that I’ll carry with me until the day I die, and maybe even after that. For all I know, this will be the moment that will play on repeat for billions of years—just another star in the sky to be wished upon.
I wish…
Mason’s eyes open far more gently, slowly than mine, like he’s waking up from a long sleep. Our eyes connect for one heavy, yet soft beat, and try as I might to catch and dissect the emotion gleaming back at me from those nearly translucent blue eyes of his…
I can’t.
It’s gone.
It might’ve never even been there to begin with.
He drops his gaze, light brown hair curling over his brow, hiding his eyes. His cheeks are red, but something tells me it’s not for the same reason I feel all hot and tingly and out of breath, like I might faint.
Movement in the corner of my eye draws my attention to where Izzy’s rolling the Coke bottle between her hands, looking a combination of impatient and nervous as she darts glances between me and the back of Mason’s head.
She smiles when I catch her, and I’m grateful, suddenly, that she’s not facing him. That no one but me got to see that look on his face, whatever it meant.
It’s a secret for me and me only, one I’ll take to the grave. Even if I did only imagine it—even if it was only my own hopes reflected back at me, fragile that they’ve always been, buried so deep, I never let myself really acknowledge them until now.
Tears sting my eyes as all at once reality rushes forward, time picking up again, and I find myself throwing myself back into the drywall with a dull, reverberating thud.
I hang my head, letting my hair fall around my boiling hot face.
The music seems louder now, no longer muffled by the blood roaring in my ears. Though I still feel it—my thrashing heart. It beats against my ribcage, like it’s seconds away from bursting out, and exposing all my secrets to be feasted upon.
Fingers rubbing over my sternum, I try to soothe it. Like maybe I could reassure it enough to stay put. I don’t want anyone else to see what hides inside.
It was just a meaningless kiss.
Just like the first one I had with Kasey.
Was that really only minutes ago?
I’m distantly aware of Mason returning to his spot next to Izzy, and when I peek up, I’m not at all surprised to find his face devoid of the color that was there a moment ago.
His jaw ticks when he bows his head toward Izzy and says something in her ear that has her rolling her eyes. She then leans forward to set the bottle on the carpet once more.
“No way. Fuck this, I’m done.”
It’s Waylon who says this, and it’s met with boos from the girls.
He’s scowling, and his face is all red, and I suddenly feel very, very self-conscious as it hits me—really hits me—what I just did. As if the shock of what just happened had been somehow keeping my anxiety at bay.
I kissed a boy.
In front of a room full of people.
I might as well have just stripped naked and cut open my veins and stood here for people to gawk at.
The giggles and whispers amongst the girls seem louder suddenly, and when I glance up, I find Dana staring at me. It feels like everyone is. Though there’s one person I can’t bring myself to look at.
Not now, not when I blew that all up in my head, and created something out of literally nothing.
