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The first time Riggins kissed me in the clearing, rain falling around us.
They all slam into me, painful and burned, not stopping even when I fight to keep them back. I sob and sob, heartbreaking, gut-wracking sobs that you might be able to hear for miles, but all I hear is the rain.
The rain and Riggs.
Riggs pulls me into him as he sits in the grass next to me, rain soaking him to the bone as well. His hair clumps in stringy, wet strands around his face, but he looks so fucking handsome all the same. Water drips off him, off his long eyelashes I used to stare at while he was sleeping, and I wonder if we had a baby boy, would he have long eyelashes like his, too? It twists in me, the painful reminder, and I need space; I can’t fucking breathe when he holds me.
Or maybe it’s the opposite; maybe I can only breathe when he holds me. Maybe it's that I got so used to not breathing when he’s not holding me that when I finally got the oxygen, it feels unbearable like blood flowing back to a body part that lost circulation, pins and needles in its wake.
“Let me go,” I beg
“No.”
“Please, Riggins. I’m begging you. Let me go.” I fight his hold, but he holds tight, containing me.
“I won’t, little star, I can’t let you go.”
“Please, I need you to just leave me. Go back to your life, go live your life, live your dream.” I pound on his chest, not caring that I might hurt him, just desperate for him to let me go.
Life was so much easier a few weeks ago when I was numb. He came back and stirred it all up, wracking the pain up.
“I can’t,” he says, low and pained and I pull back to look at him and it could be the rain, but his eyes are glossy as well.
“What? What are you talking about?”
His head shakes, a sad, slow movement. “Don’t you get it? I can’t live my dream, Stella. I haven’t dreamed in seven years. My dreams are nothing without you little star.” I smack his chest, angry at him in so many ways.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth, and you know it. And you can’t live yours, either, not without me. I see it in your face. You’re a fucking shell of who you used to be. Where is she, Stell? Where is my star?”
“Long gone. Burnt out.”
“No. She’s hiding. I know she’s under there because every once in a while, she comes out. She smiles at me, and my life feels like it has fucking light for the first time in a decade. Like my sun is back.” I open my mouth to argue, but to say what exactly, I don’t know. “I love you, Stella. I never stopped—Did you?” he asks.
“No,” I whisper in the field for no one else to hear but me and Riggs.
Except then Riggins opens his mouth to say something, to say more that will shift my understanding of our relationship and of my world, and I decide I can’t take it. I can’t. I think if he says more, I’ll lose it, and I might never find it again.
Instead, I do the only thing I can think of to prevent that from happening. I put my hands on either side of his face and pull him to me.
Then I press my lips to his.
27 PLEASE
NOW
RIGGINS
“Where are you bringing me?” she whispers into the quiet of the cab of my truck, shivering despite the heat cranked high. We’re both absolutely drenched, and the rain continues to fall.
Normally, it would just be yet another reminder of her, of what we once had, but right now, my jaw burns from where her cold hand pressed on my skin, my lips on fire from where hers touched mine.
It wasn’t the first time we’ve kissed since I’ve been back, but I know, down to my core, it was different. Something new, something changed. Like she came to a realization, whether she wanted to or not.
A part of us had healed.
And finally finally, she admitted she still loves me.
