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A hand rests on my shoulder, triggering my body to tense. I raised this person who stands behind me, but I don’t know who they are. I turn and sit, staring into the green eyes that match my own. I shake my head, not being able to understand what’s just happened. Tears continue to tumble down my cheeks.
“What did you do?” my raspy voice quietly asks.
“No footprints on the ground,” she whispers. “He knows too much. I was hoping to have you out of the cabin before he came home, so it didn’t have to come to this. Why couldn’t you listen to me?”
“I hate you!” I groan.
“You can hate me now, but one day you will understand why.”
An explosion behind us throws a dark cloud up into the sky. The cabin must be fully engulfed in flames and I want to scream. I want to bury my fist in her chest. I want to drag my nails down my face and show this world how much hate bubbles at the surface of my skin. The ugliness wants to show its side and seep from the scratches that wait, but my world isn’t ready.
“We have to go.” She pulls at my arms, dragging me up. I reluctantly allow her to yank me to the metal box of a car that will carry me away. She assists me in standing by her and she opens the door. I take a step forward and she softly whispers. “I’m sorry.”
“People say sorry a lot. Rarely do they mean it. Adam didn’t say it unless he meant it.” I cock my head to get in her face, but she doesn’t falter. “You don’t mean it.”
Her eyes glisten, and I see she’s trying to hold her tears back. There is more she isn’t telling me, and I don’t understand why she is holding back. She and Adam would be perfect together in the end. Sniveling liars leading me on. Both of the sons of bitches.
“I…” she says.
I can’t bear to hear her voice any longer, and I cover her mouth with my hand, pushing her away.
I fall into the car and slam the door. She runs around the car and jumps in the driver’s seat. The car rumbles to life and I become more aware of the sounds that fill the air, the crackling of the burning cabin. The wind purrs in anticipation of spreading the wild flames. She gingerly drives the car over small sticks, leaves, and rocks, leaving the inferno. We can hear emergency vehicles in the distance. The sounds overshadow anything else. My mind is playing in a loop from the past to the present. Good, bad, and most of all, the loneliness that sinks into my physical mind. Once again… I am alone.
Fuck your world and the promise of a better tomorrow.
We turn out of the almost hidden driveway and take off down the road. A minute or two later, we see the responders coming toward us, so Reese pulls over, letting them have full reign of the road. The emergency units fly past us one at a time. When the last one passes, Reese resumes the route as if she isn’t the cause of the destruction.
We drive for a bit before pulling into a ratty run-down motel. Reese gets out to walk inside to get a room. The pool has a closed sign and the lounge chairs are rusted out. The old fluorescent lights flicker. It looks like the start of a horror film. This place matches my dreams and I no longer fear the reality that sits before me. Reese comes out from the lobby holding a key and drives us around to the back of the motel that faces the woods. I force myself to follow her inside. She drags a couple of bags to the room and my petty ass watches without offering to help. She digs through one bag and holds her hands out.
“Here.”
She holds a head shaver along with a small bag that has a change of clothes and toiletries. I look at it, then at her.
“Trust me.” She continues to push me along. Whether or not she knows it, she not only burned the cabin, she burned the bridge to our relationship. She lets out a huff and finally relents explaining more of her actions to me. “We need to leave the country for a bit. For safety, just in case any other people decide to pop up from the shitstorm that Adam and DuPont created. There are a few we haven’t found,” she says softly while looking worried. I have to wonder if it’s genuine.
I grab the bundle of shit from her hands with force. I’ve never been so harsh with her, but at the moment, I don’t want to be gentle and understanding. The monster in me has awakened and when my time comes, then I’m gone. I’ll never be able to look at her or talk to her without hearing the sounds and seeing the flames burning behind her.
I stand in a dingy bathroom, looking at myself properly in the smudged mirror. The semi-put-together Kevin is no more. The scared-and-depressed Kevin is no more. I turn the clippers on and run them through my hair, taking away the past pieces of myself as they fall into the sink before me. Like a discarded weight, they fall like a flower petal in the wind. I take my time and let my military mind take over for the moment. Clean and tight lines. My hair is now gone and I stand unrecognizable. Here stands the empty-and-hateful Kevin. I run my hand over the stubble of my beard like I had once watched Adam do as he was deep in thought. How did it turn into this? How?
I place the clippers down and turn the shower on. Discard my clothes and let the steam of the hot shower fill the bathroom. Stepping in, I pray it washes away this anger, but I am not so lucky. I take my time cleaning up just so it’s less time to look at Reese. I am baffled, stunned, just straight confused about how I missed it all. She showed her true colors, and it blinded me.
My skin prunes from the steam and water, so I force myself out of the sanctuary. I wipe the steam from the mirror and look at my clean-shaven head. My hair was always high and tight but never buzzed all over. My eyes droop from exhaustion while my mind struggles over wanting to heal. I feel slightly numb walking out.
I get dressed and meet Reese, who stands at the door to pay the delivery guy. She quickly shuts the door.
“I got Chinese. Are you hungry?” Hope fills her voice.
I shake my head and crawl into bed. I turn my body away from her, wanting to create this boundary, and I hope she catches on. Food is the furthest thing from my mind. I close my eyes and cover my face with a pillow to seal off any light or sound. Call me crazy, but I miss the basement. There was a crack in the foundation that I used to focus on when I woke up from a night of terror. My body would shoot up from the bed and my eyes would immediately focus on it. The way it was uneven and almost broken, resembling a tree breaking through the concrete. I used to think it was stupid, but more and more, it was my focus point.
I ignore my sister, who sits on the opposite bed. I fall into a restless sleep and can’t find any comfort. Tossing and turning forces me to sit up. The clock reads 0320 hours. The devil’s hour.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and drop my head in my hands. I want to cry, the old Kevin would cry, but this man now… just wants to breathe. Running my hand over my head, wanting to grip my hair, I forgot for a moment that it is no longer there. I have nothing to hold on to.
I turn the side table light on and I finally stand from the bed, walking over to the small table and chair in the corner. My thumbs tap the table as I look around the dimly lit room. My eyes focus on Reese’s computer and I quickly grab it. I look up the history on the web browser and I see flights booked. Destination… a place we have both wanted to go since we were kids. My heart hurts deeper at seeing this.
I look back at her sleeping and relent in my anger for the moment. We had always talked about seeing parts of the world together. It was the ultimate middle finger for our parents, who both left us as kids.
Okay, little sister, one family vacation before we part.
